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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have had this reaction to what DH did/said to me?

54 replies

cashewnutty · 31/10/2015 11:49

Here is the background. I am an overweight woman in my 50's. This week i have made a very determined start at losing weight. DH is well aware of this. I am also a bit hormonal at times and had already said to DH this morning that i was feeling strangely weepy.

DH has been to Switzerland on business and returned late last night while i was asleep. When he was at the airport asked him to get me some specific make up but he wasn't able to get it. He said there wasn't much else to buy at the airport other than chocolate, watches or penknives, so i said to buy DD some chocolate and not to worry about me.

This morning he was in the kitchen with DD and i saw he had given her a big bar of chocolate. I laughed and said "where is my chocolate watch with penknife attachment" (this was very obviously done in a joking manner). He leapt up with a gleeful smile and went into his rucksack and rummaged about and pulled out a package. I though, how nice, he has managed to find something to get me. He turned round the package and held it in front of me and it was a pack of Lindt mini chocolates. I looked crestfallen and said to him thanks but no thanks i didn't really want any chocolate as i was dieting. He laughed and said "oh, they are not for you, they're for me".

I have no idea why but this tipped me over the edge and i went up to my bedroom and burst into tears. I felt that was a horrible and insensitive thing to do and say. He doesn't really get why i am upset about this. He also is a bit cross that i won't go into town with him now. I look like a puffer fish.

I am not one for melodramatic weeping but this just made me feel like crap when i was already feeling a bit low and weepy.

Was IBU?

OP posts:

Debbriana1 · 31/10/2015 11:57

Form experience of dieting I think your hungry and the fact that he didn't bring you perfume tipped you over. It's not about the chocolate. How long have you been been dieting?

notasillysausage · 31/10/2015 11:58

Sorry, in the nicest way, you were being a bit over sensitive. You told him not to get you anything, he didn't.

Debbriana1 · 31/10/2015 11:58

It's meant to be "from my dieting experience"

TheWitTank · 31/10/2015 12:02

I do think you are being a bit over dramatic over this, sorry. Especially crying to the point of having a swollen face and refusing to go out. I do understand it's horrible dieting though!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/10/2015 12:03

You told him not to get you anything, so he didn't. It's a shame that he couldn't get what you asked for, but at least he tried.

From experience, Swiss airports sell hugely expensive pens, and masses of chocolate. It would be a really difficult place to buy for someone on a diet.

You sound really low. Is that normal, or is a crash from cutting out sugary things in your diet?

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 31/10/2015 12:03

You told him not to get you anything, he did anyway because he wanted to - but when you were then disappointed because they were chocolates he recovered you refusing his gift the best way possible by saying they were his!

YABU I'm afraid, good luck with the diet!

ZeldaTheWindBreaker · 31/10/2015 12:05

I have no idea why but this tipped me over the edge and i went up to my bedroom and burst into tears. I felt that was a horrible and insensitive thing to do and say. He doesn't really get why i am upset about this.

It sounds as though you also don't know why this has upset you so much, so why would your husband know?

I think that you're perhaps feeling a bit low (lack of sugar, typical misery/boredom/frustration that accompanies most diets at the beginning) and you're perhaps just associating these feelings with an innocent act committed by your husband, as it's easier to blame others. Not meaning that in a horrible way at all! I'm the exact same when i cut out chocolate etc.

I become very irritable and it's always because of something somebody else has done. I think perhaps you should apologise to your husband and just explain you're feeling a bit down and don't mean to take it out on him.

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 12:05

If I were you I'd get in a nice hot bath with a book and tell him not to come back home from town without a bottle of perfume.

Original poster

cashewnutty · 31/10/2015 12:06

I didn't expect anything at all. He just looked so joyful when he went to his rucksack and pulled out the package. He wouldn't have bought me perfume or any sort of make up. He could get the make up due to the liquid rules and changing flights in London.

It was more about thrusting chocolate in my face. My favourite chocolate. He knows how awful i feel about being overweight and how determined i am to lose weight. I have only been dieting a week. I am not finding it easy as i need to make big changes to the way i eat. DD and DH are natural skinnies who eat a lot of chocolate. I know i just can't eat like them. It was like being given a massive slap in the face and i just felt so upset. If you knew me you would know this is not how i react to things. I am a sensible, stoic sort generally.

OP posts:

Badders123 · 31/10/2015 12:11

In the nicest way....get a grip.

SurlyCue · 31/10/2015 12:11

Do you ever see those memes on FB that say "I'm sorry for what i said when i was hungry" or "hangry"? There is a reason they exist. Its because so many people can relate to them. I know myself well enough now to know not to let myself get hungry. I get completely irrational and weepy.

Make sure you are eating enough to keep yourself ticking over. And you know a little bit of chocolate does wonders

Dulceetdecorum · 31/10/2015 12:12

Would this normally upset you? I suspect not from what you have said. Could it be the hormonal changes making you a bit more sensitive than usual? That's exactly how I was (before HRT) too.

yorkshapudding · 31/10/2015 12:13

I'm not sure I understand. Are you upset because you initially thought he'd bought you chocolates when you're on a diet or because it turns out he bought them for himself not you?
Or are you actually upset that he didn't get you a present? If it's the last one then, to be fair, he did explain that there wasn't much on offer.

Either way, I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish but it really doesn't sound like he meant any offence. I feel for you, dieting is tough, especially when you're hormonal and all you want is to comfort yourself with a big piece of cake. It will get easier.

VintageTrouble · 31/10/2015 12:14

Well no it is a mean thing to do - pretend to give someone a present and then laugh at them and say it's for yourself.

That's not nice.

yorkshapudding · 31/10/2015 12:14

Sorry, cross post, I can see why you felt like he was rubbing it in a bit if they were your favorite chocolates.

Scoobydoo8 · 31/10/2015 12:16

Can you have some counselling as you're starting this diet.

It's very lonely dieting when those around you can seemingly stuff themselves without putting on weight.

And it looks like he doesn't see your weight as a problem so can't empathise. It might be somewhere to let off steam.

hooliodancer · 31/10/2015 12:18

Ok, the upset sounds like hormonal rage to me.

I understand how you feel, I once threw a bar of chocolate at the wall when my partner gave it to me as a.gift.

Have you ever dieted before or is this the first time? I ask as if you have, then you probably know what works for you. If not, then actually, for me, 2 squares of chocolate per night are essential. I can't deny myself completely as I would fall off the wagon! So the portioncontrolled chocolate he bought would be perfect. Maybe this was what he was thinking? Then said it was for him when he saw your face?

Bumbledumb · 31/10/2015 12:19

Sounds to me like your approach to weight loss is doomed to failure. You should be able to incorporate the food you love into your diet and still lose weight. An occasional mini chocolate is not going to stop you losing weight, but will make life more enjoyable.

wannaBe · 31/10/2015 12:20

so, he bought you chocolate as a surprise. yes you'd been dieting for a week but he bought you some chocolate because he knows they're your favourites. If you'd been happy about the chocolates he would have given them to you and everyone would have been happy. Instead you said you didn't want them, so he recovered the situation in the only way he knew how - to say that he'd bought them for himself. It seems clear he didn't - he bought them for you but you refused them.

And now you're sulking.

I can understand why he's annoyed/upset. You're behaving like a spoiled brat, and crying to the point of not wanting to go out is over dramatic. Get a grip, apologise for your outburst and go into town.

Original poster

cashewnutty · 31/10/2015 12:20

I don't need counselling. I really don't. I know was feeling bit low and hormonal this morning, which i had already told him.

I do accept my reaction was quite dramatic. It just seemed so unsupportive. He has absolutely no idea how it feels to be either overweight or to try and change eating patterns, He can eat whatever he likes and it has no effect on his weight or health.

OP posts:

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 31/10/2015 12:20

Reading your op and the sequence of events, I think he bought the chocolate for you thinking he was being kind and that you could probably get away with a bit of your favourite chocolate on your diet and then he saw your - 'you are pissing in my diet' face - and then furiously back pedalled pretending it was for himself.

LeaLeander · 31/10/2015 12:21

It sounds like your DH couldn't win no matter what he did.

You seemed primed to find fault regardless.

I know it's tough dieting but that is not your family's fault. You seem to resent that they are natural skinnies and they probably know that and feel irrational guilt. And if you have a history of failed attempts at reducing there is probably an element of "here we go again..." In their thoughts.

In my experience the people with most success in dieting, quitting smoking, reining in spending and other behavior changes just go about it quietly and don't expect others to assume any of the responsibility for their success or failure. You could have graciously accepted the Lindt and put it in freezer as a special holiday treat. Or given to a friend.

Original poster

cashewnutty · 31/10/2015 12:21

I have incorporated a little chocolate and wine onto my diet. I absolutely need to. But i also know how hungry i get and would rather use calories for filling and healthy types of food rather than junk.

OP posts:

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 31/10/2015 12:22

On not inthat would be a different thread

yeOldeTrout · 31/10/2015 12:25

You burst into tears & mega-sulk over the gift you didn't like that you didn't want & that you told him not to get even though you were also pointedly asking about the gift he didn't buy & you told him not to get.

Poor man, you're completely messing with his head!

Totally irrational but I think it's probably hormones messing with your head & not really you.

Ideally you'd find a way to laugh with your DH about how daft you're being & feeling. If you can laugh at your daftness then there's room another time for him to confess when he's being daft too.

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