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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your help re leaving

34 replies

Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 08:48

Please could I ask for your help?
Dh and I have come to the end of the road- unfortunately the relationship makes me ill and he has often behaved abusively and in a controlling way. Lots of name calling, etc etc.
Anyway I find out in an hours time if I can take the little rental I've found that would work for ds 5 school, ds 1 nursery and my work. I have my running away fund in place. My heart is literally pounding with nerves. He knows that it's been last chance and I'm on my way out, so this won't be a massive shock. I've spoken to a solicitor and got names of mediators, which he doesn't know.
Could anyone help me phrase an email that will set out what is reasonable in terms of contact and finances?
I thought eow and Wednesday nights as he had said he wanted shared care. We earn the same except I'm on 3.5 days to be with little ds.
The current rent on the house I think he will stay in is too high for him to have anything left over to contribute to our living costs.
He has previously shown a lot of upset at me suggesting I would take the white goods which were a present to me from family. I get that everything during marriage is shared so I don't feel like they are mine, I am just naturally a bit I'd a people pleaser and wonder how others divide things fairly. I don't mind buying replacement beds for the kids and other necessities. I have about 750 quid left over after deposit, first months rent etc.
How should I go about this? He is volatile, but I think he knows he would be happier out of the marriage, but stays in out of duty. In my ideal scenario I would leave with his cooperation, so they we could be united to the dc, reassure them they are not losing but gaining. Older ds loves where we live and loves his df.
Any advice really welcome.

OP posts:
saltlakecity · 31/10/2015 08:56

I'm not sure what to advise about the financial aspects but maybe check out free cycle for white goods.

Good luck.

Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 09:18

Thanks salt, good idea

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 31/10/2015 09:25

If you are married then use the CSA calculator to calculate maintenance, and then the start point for financial negotiations on what you own is 50:50 split - including stuff like pensions and white goods. I'm afraid if his rent is too high for him to afford child maintenance he will have to move to somewhere cheaper or get a lodger or something.

It's going to be rough but try not to be too much of a people pleaser: your kids need you to be financially viable.

Are you planning on doing this while you have to stay in the house together, or are you going to leave then start the negotiations?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/10/2015 09:26

So why do you think he should get to keep them all, when his financial contribution towards your shared child is now likely to only be 15% of his income, you will have nursery fees ect and are likely to be contributing far more than 15%.

Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 09:32

Thanks both. I am waiting to hear when I could move into the new house, possibly very soon IE in the next 2 weeks. I don't know when or how best to do negotiations- it will be rough either way.
I agree I need half to be viable, that is true. I would expect half on childcare kids food, clothes and activities, I think he can afford that OK. There would be nothing more for my maintenance as part time, if that even exists.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 09:34

Any advice on how to negotiate, what is usually acceptable welcome. 50.50 start point I didn't realise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 09:35

Most worried he will insist on 50.50 contact time so I guess I was thinking it would mollify him if I gave more than my share on things we own.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/10/2015 09:46

Not great, but if he's going to be very difficult and is abusive, I'd book movers when you're in and he's out.
Take what is fair. Say, leave beds and other furniture and take white goods, so that it works out a fair division.
Don't offer contact. Ask what he wants and go from there.
As said earlier, maintenance depends on his income and number of nights with the children. He can move if he can't afford the rent.

Then, if you are pt to take care of the children, that's loss of earnings and you can claim against assets or as spousal maintenance. Get a decent solicitor who can work out what is fair.

Lweji · 31/10/2015 09:47

Is he really likely to go for 50-50?

If you do agree to that make sure it's 50-50 weekdays and you get the same number of weekend days.

Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 09:50

Thanks lweji. I spoke to a solicitor who said she would be 250 an hour... No way I can afford that, she suggested we do mediaton which is lower cost then use her to make a legally binding whatnot and start divorce proceedings. Is this sensible?

H won't want to leave current high priced rental as is happy here. Could he be forced to? I don't want it to come to that but I want to be prepared and for things to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 09:54

I think he would say he wants that but I don't think that is reasonable considering little ds age and me working less- I'm the primary carer, really.
He loves his kids which is great but I really would fight hard against 50 50 as he can be depressive and lethargic which means he wouldn't be able to do proper meals sort from pasta peas and cheese, which I am not happy with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 09:56

And obvs, its not just the nutrition I'd be worried about, but what comes with his depressive episodes which is usually total shut down Sad

OP posts:
Oldraver · 31/10/2015 10:01

If you are married then use the CSA calculator to calculate maintenance CSA/CMA is for parents married or not

Whether he wants to live in a place he cant really afford is up to him and not your problem to work round. Your DC's maintenence should come first. . Have a look at the calculator to work out the minimum he needs to pay. If he did insist on 50/50 it would reduce (or probably wipe out) the amount he needed to pay.

I know you want to be fair but dont let this override his responsibilities

LindyHemming · 31/10/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 10:41

Thanks euhemiaSmile

I'm trying my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 10:54

Is there anything else I should be careful of that anyone can think of/ avoid? Aside from disastrous marriage number 2 to another manchild abuser?!Grin

OP posts:
Iammad · 31/10/2015 10:57

Not got any input I can give to help, but just wanted to say good luck and I hope things do go as smoothly as possible.
You are doing the right thing by you and your children.

Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 11:04

Thanks so much lammad. Well wishes mean a lot. I hope so too Flowers

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Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 11:07

Oh BTW ll wants 6 months rent up front, a guarantor and increased deposit despite me earning above the threshold with immaculate credit, rental and work refs Confused

I've agreed to increased deposit but not to the other two. Letting agent to speak to ll but I'm losing hope.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 11:15

If I'd bought my child a washing machine, fridge etc when she got married and her husband became abusive, I would expect her to take those things with her. If she cheated on him and treated him badly, I'd expect them to be left with him.

Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 11:27

Yes my mum expects the same... But it's hard to divide when his family have also given lots inc a car

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 31/10/2015 11:28

His attitude is clear, he wants to stay in the family home, he wants to keep the White goods. Fight for what you can, don't give up for an easy life. He wants his children to move out without a fridge! What a great dad!

You say you both earn the same amount but you work 3.5 days. Do you mean you both earn the same now, but if we're full time you would earn more than him? Or if you were full time you would earn the same as him? Be very clear on this in mediation as the way you worded it could cause confusion.

Lweji · 31/10/2015 12:09

Is there evidence of his mental health?
I doubt he'd actually want or cope with the children for as much as you think he'd want to. Abusive men rarely do.

Mediation is usually best, but being abusive you'll probably end up wasting more money, time and head space on it than on a solicitor.
It may also help to leave most legal matters to later, when he's had time to adjust to the idea and be less likely to be a pain. You don't seem to have many assets, so, I'd just split savings in half, take half the household items and leave it at that. If he doesn't agree then he can spend his own money chasing it.

The main issue will be the children. But again, take them and let him ask about contact first. No need to preempt it.

Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 15:32

Thanks lweji. Yes I don't think on reality he would be able to want or cope with the DC more than eow. He has just raised it with me- in context of me having done again, for the umpteenth weekend in a row all the childcare, cleaning, cooking, organising, party taking etc leaving me with no time to do anything for myself which does give me the rage. I said, this isn't fair is it, as he was feet up watching the gymnastics. He said well you want this all the time. And I said no, I want to look after me and my kids and then get a proper break every other weekend. He said - is that all I get? Every other weekend?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dameshazaba · 31/10/2015 15:35

I explained that little ds is just too young for week on, week off. He said, I want to be able to see my children more than that.

But not do any of the work, I wanted to scream Sad

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