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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling a friend coming over who is upset.

33 replies

Duggee · 30/10/2015 13:21

I have a friend who I've been friends with over 10 years. We get on well and she is a good laugh. However when she has a partner she rarely sees me except for when we all meet in a group which is fine.

She's had problems through the years and I've been her number 1 support through all of this. She needs a lot of time and emotional support each time, which I give but find hard as I have children and she doesn't.

So last a few weeks ago she spilt up with her boyfriend of 3 years. I've supported her here in my home and over the phone. Stayed up late with her crying, juggled 3 children and comforting her too.

She's due to come over tonight and stay until tomorrow and I just can't do it. I've no reserves left as I feel so tired myself physically and emotionally. Ds2 wakes multiple times during the night and has a chronic health condition that gives me anxiety. My friend is also very messy and does not help wash up, tidy etc (not that expect guests to usually) but cannot be dealing with the extra mess right now!

What im asking is AIBU to cancel her coming over tonight? She has said it helps not to be alone so she doesn't get too upset. I feel guilty cancelling in the situation. I would be upset if it was me in need the other way round.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 30/10/2015 13:25

Does she support you when you need her to? If the answer is 'no' then I'd cancel.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2015 13:26

Just tell her that you are not feeling too well, and want and early night tonight, any good friend would totally understand.

welliesandleaves · 30/10/2015 13:26

It sounds as if this friendship is a bit one way. You also sound exhausted and drained so I would just tell her you're not feeling well and will have to cancel.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2015 13:27

Even if she did support you, if your not feeling good for whatever reason, tired, emotionally drained, you have every right to say no, not tonight.

Lulu1083 · 30/10/2015 13:31

Duggee you said you'd be upset if it was the other way round, has it ever been that way?

From what you said about her disappearing when she's in a relationship I would seriously think about if she is ever there for you when you need it.

If you can't handle her at the moment, don't. You can only give so much, sounds like you have a pretty full plate already so take care of you and the dcs first.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 30/10/2015 13:31

You could simply ring her and be honest and say "look, I'm sorry, but I am absolutely done in and I have to cry off tonight" but at the same time book her in for another day if possible.

Or ass others have said, just say you're not well or one of the kids has some vomiting bug or something.

You're not being unreasonable and you're not being a bad friend.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/10/2015 13:33

Don't feel guilty. Cancel it immediately and explain fully why. If she pushes, just say you're sorry but it's just not possible: unfortunately you only have so much energy to go around and your kids come first.

Has she ever put her life on hold to support you?

Original poster
Duggee · 30/10/2015 13:33

I've never had anything major happen that I've needed her for. I was upset around the birth of ds as she was meant to be a birth partner if I needed to go to hospital (was having a home birth with dd at home too). I called her to let her know I was in labour all good, but when I rang in the morning to say he'd been born, there was no reply. No phone call back despite leaving messages and no visit etc. So I was hurt. She's not a bad person, just doesn't realise!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 30/10/2015 13:35

That's a huge failure to hold you and your needs in mind. Huge.

Please cancel - get as much rest as you can. She sounds like a very entitled person who's on the take, perhaps without even realising it.

Most people have a number of lovely qualities but you kind of have to have some deal breakers regardless in relationships.

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2015 13:38

Anyone who comes to a friend's house and makes a mess isn't a welcome guest, especially if she makes a mess in a house where there are young children. She should be helping you tidy up, not make things worse!

Cancel it - say you're not well enough.

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 30/10/2015 13:40

God I can't stand people like this, your a bloody saint! Why don't they realise that as an adult you need to learn how to support yourself & not be so intrusive in other peoples lives.

I get that she needs support, everyone does but she's taking it to far. I had a friend like this (also no kids) who just couldn't understand that I had other priorities other than babysitting a fully grown adult for a weekend everytime she felt sad.

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 30/10/2015 13:42

By the way we are no longer friends, it was the only way I could get my sanity back. I suggest you start limiting her dependency on you.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/10/2015 13:44

Sorry op but it seems to me that she's only interested in your friendship when she hasn't got a man draped over her arm. Yes harsh but true.. YNBU.

Badders123 · 30/10/2015 13:51

I had a friend like this once.
She only ever wanted me when her latest love affair when tits up....even phoning me at work!
I got wise to it in the end.
We are no longer friends.

bronnie98 · 30/10/2015 13:55

CANCEL. Life is too short. I had a toxic friendship where I just felt it was all one way, I had a newborn at the time and she just didn't get it. I just had to cut her out, nothing nasty I just couldn't fo it anymore. Don't regret it to this day. x

OnlyLovers · 30/10/2015 13:59

I'd cancel purely on the grounds that she doesn't bother her arse to help cook or clear up, TBH.

YANBU.

Original poster
Duggee · 30/10/2015 14:02

Thanks I've cancelled. I do feel bad though!

OP posts:
welliesandleaves · 30/10/2015 14:03

She sounds very selfish and I just wouldn't keep going along with it. Friendship is about give and take but she doesn't seem to show you any consideration whatsoever.

LittlePie14 · 30/10/2015 14:10

I had a friend like this. We fell out over it (she just wouldn't turn up when we were meeting and wouldn't text to say so. then would ignore me for a few days to avoid it). When we 'got back together' another friend said "if you do, then you must just accept that this is the way they are, if you can't then don't". best advice ever and it sounds like you are a saint and accept her. but don't do it at the risk of your own sanity.

expatinscotland · 30/10/2015 14:15

I'd let this one drift. Sounds very one-sided. I had a mate like this. It was always about her latest man, she could never go 5 minutes without another guy (and yes, she had kids). It got tedious as hell.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2015 14:25

It does sound very one sided, she wasent there when you needed her as a birth partner. I would start saying no from now on, and feel empowered. She sounds a bit a user tbh.

eddielizzard · 30/10/2015 14:36

don't feel bad. perhaps she'll value you more when you're not always available. sounds like she's taking you for granted.

Viviennemary · 30/10/2015 14:45

Cancel. Tell a white lie that you or your DC have a bug. She sounds a bit too much like hard work.

itsmeohlord · 30/10/2015 14:47

Tell her you are not well. This isn't even a lie, you sound utterly exhausted.

Dismalfuckers · 30/10/2015 14:57

Oh my goodness, I have a friend who sounds so like her. Though she came to stay with me and family for weeks when she suffered a bereavement, but refused my request to help me with younger child when older one had to go for an MRI scan on the grounds that she might be on holiday, she hadn't booked yet. It was then I realised our friendship was not balanced!!

Don't feel bad, YANBU, you sound exhausted and in need of a night snuggled up in front of the TV, or with a relaxing book.

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