Cancelling a friend coming over who is upset.

[Duggee]

I have a friend who I've been friends with over 10 years. We get on well and she is a good laugh. However when she has a partner she rarely sees me except for when we all meet in a group which is fine.

She's had problems through the years and I've been her number 1 support through all of this. She needs a lot of time and emotional support each time, which I give but find hard as I have children and she doesn't.

So last a few weeks ago she spilt up with her boyfriend of 3 years. I've supported her here in my home and over the phone. Stayed up late with her crying, juggled 3 children and comforting her too.

She's due to come over tonight and stay until tomorrow and I just can't do it. I've no reserves left as I feel so tired myself physically and emotionally. Ds2 wakes multiple times during the night and has a chronic health condition that gives me anxiety. My friend is also very messy and does not help wash up, tidy etc (not that expect guests to usually) but cannot be dealing with the extra mess right now!

What im asking is AIBU to cancel her coming over tonight? She has said it helps not to be alone so she doesn't get too upset. I feel guilty cancelling in the situation. I would be upset if it was me in need the other way round.

Don't feel bad OP. It's not like you've cancelled on a whim - you don't feel up to entertaining.

She was your birth partner and didn't turn up! Or call you!

Cancel - just be honest and say you just can't as you're tired and emotional yourself. A friend would be fine with that. Say you'll rearrange when things are calmer. I wouldn't though.

I'm glad you've cancelled - if you're not up to it, then you're not up to it.

Does she also invite you to do happy/nice things? Like going out for a meal or just meeting up at someone's house for a chat & a pizza and wine without there being a crisis?

Or does she have other friends for that?

I only ask, because I used to have a friend very much like that. When things were going well for her I hardly heard from her, but when she had a crisis she'd be here. Actually, though, that's fine if the relationship is mutual - if you can also call on her to drop everything in an emergency. But it really doesn't sound like you can.

Lavender She was OP's birth partner if OP had to go into hospital - she didn't, she had a home birth.

You need to cancel if you're not up to it, that goes without saying. If she's a good friend, she'll understand. If she's not, you've lost nothing.

You don't sound like you've got anything left to give.

i'm glad you cancelled.
i would retreat from this 'friendship' on the basis that she's no friend at all.

she sounds selfish, trim. cancel-tell a white lie whatever it takes

Cancel, you need to put yourself and your family first. If it helps you not to feel guilty tell yourself that you wouldn't be the most help to her in the state you are in but really, it doesn't matter whether you'd be helpful for her or not - you must put your family and yourself first at the moment.

I have a friend like this. When her life is going well, she disappears for months. When things not so good, will be texting and phoning all the time, asking for help . She can be great company but I've decided enough is enough.
This isn't really a friendship, don't think you have a friendship with this woman either.