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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be really upset DD 12 has no good friends?

45 replies

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2015 08:14

DD is in yr 8. She went to a small primary and is now at a very large secondary. She is still good friends with a handful of her primary school friends but they seem to get together regularly now and don't invite her. She sees them individually but 2 of her best friends are getting together with a bunch of others for Halloween and a sleepover and she is not invited.

In the meantime she had a vague plan to meet up with a new friend (she has a couple of new friends she has made since at secondary but they don't seem great mates), to go trick or treating but that has just collapsed, so we are back to mourning about not being invited to the party. I am good friends with both parents of the party girls (in fact we're all supposed to be going on holiday next summer!) but don't feel I can get involved.

This is really upsetting me. I had a miserable time at secondary school and seeing it happen to DD is really chiming with me and it makes me so depressed. It's even making me question my own friendships and has sent me into a spiral of self esteem issues, which I'm pretty sure are clouding my judgement here. So AIBtotallyU??? WWYD??

OP posts:

GlitteryRollerGirl · 30/10/2015 08:34

Sorry, but I wouldn't be going on holiday with these two families if the daughters keep excluding your DD. I can't imagine it would be a very pleasant experience for her.

PrincessHairyMclary · 30/10/2015 08:36

If she isn't already perhaps get her involved with an activity to widen her social circle.

BabyGanoush · 30/10/2015 08:36

You can't always invite everyone to everything

Sounds like she has friends, but is unlucky this Halloween

Not a big deal?

HPsauciness · 30/10/2015 08:37

I didn't want this to go unanswered. It is hard, I worry a lot about my children's friendships and are always rather anxiously asking 'have you made any new friends yet?'

It does sound like your dd has made some new friends though, perhaps they aren't getting together for trick or treating, but that doesn't mean they aren't friends. Perhaps you could encourage her to text them and ask if they'd like to go out to the cinema another time?

As for the original group, I think it's best she leaves that if she is now not really part of the new group. Help her maintain the individual friendships she has, but if the group is going to exclude her or even just not be that welcoming, just leave them to it. These things do move on after secondary and reform.

I know it's hard but try not to get into a spiral of depression about it yourself, it won't help her at all.

Are there other places you can make friends? My dd's have enjoyed Brownies and Guides, but any type of hobby would do. It doesn't mean they have great friends from there, but they do enjoy being in a group and going away as a group and I think they feel more part of things than if they just relied on one or two school friends.

HPsauciness · 30/10/2015 08:38

I didn't see the bit about the holiday, perhaps rethink if they are genuinely not really friends by then. Forced friendships won't help anyone and that's nearly a year away.

TurnOffTheTv · 30/10/2015 08:39

Y8 was hideous for my daughter. Bounced from friend to friend for the whole year. I think it's tricky when you move up, and have friends from primary, then you meet other people you get on with, but aren't sure what to do about old friends etc. It seems to settle down by y9. My DD has a really good group of core friends now (Y10)

Susiesue61 · 30/10/2015 08:41

It can take a while to make really good friends. DD is in year 9 and only became friends with her current group during the summer of year 8. She is quite outgoing and had lots of vague friendships, but didn't really get invited in the whole sleepover thing as she wasn't anyone's 'best friend'!

This has really picked up over the summer and now she is going out a lot more It is upsetting to be left out of things but encourage her to make lots of friends and some of them will be her type!!

Original poster

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2015 08:45

Thanks all. Yes, I will encourage her to join more groups and try to develop her own interests more. She's a follower rather than a leader and she needs to develop more initiative really.

I really need to get over myself though as I can see my own insecurities are clouding my judgement. I try to explain to her that I had the same problems at school and this finished with her saying 'does our whole family have loser signs on our backs that we can't see?'!

And yes, I am in serious doubts about going on holiday with this crowd but not sure how to broach this with the parents as they are clearly unaware of the problem...

OP posts:

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 30/10/2015 08:53

I could easily go through life without making friends as I'm not very good at initiating things. Like your daughter, I'm a follower, but I have moved area recently and really
Plucked the courage to be the instigator.
It's particularly hard at age 13 but like pp said above, can she text friends and suggest cinema?

Whippet2 · 30/10/2015 09:15

I had exactly the same problem at secondary school. My 2 'best' friends made friends with other people a lot easier than I did and as my parents were quite strict compared to theirs I was often not allowed to do the things they were.....not that I got invited in the first place! I can honestly say it was the worst time of my life and as soon as I could I left and did A levels at college instead of staying a 6th form. My 'friends' ended up bullying me by year 10 and I managed to summon up the courage to walk away from them and force myself to make new friends. Try to get your daughter involved in clubs etc so she can find new friends. I would also pull out of the holiday if you can. In my experience parents are often worse than the friends themselves and I often felt my friends parents didn't like me, an awful feeling for a child.

Rebecca2014 · 30/10/2015 09:16

I wouldn't go on holiday with them either. There a good chance they could leave your daughter out when your on holiday, do you want your daughter to feel the odd one out on holiday?

I feel for your daughter as the same happened to me. I wish I had the confidence and self esteem to make new friends. You should keep encouraging your daughter to make new friends.

wowis · 30/10/2015 09:21

Hi OP, could you not say something to your friends about it? Like 'I'm abit worried about DD, has she fallen out with your DD? They don't seem to hang about as much now and she's a bit down about it..' etc. They don't have to force their children to interact but if theyre not aware maybe they could suggest seeing your DD more?. I have this with friends of mine but because were close we just talk about it...if it helps as others have said above I met my lifelong friends in yr9 so although this bit is hard does not mean at all that she or anyone in your family! is a loser or destined to be friendless.

BertrandRussell · 30/10/2015 09:26

If you're good friends with the party parents, I would most definitely ask what's going on. Not in a confrontational way- more a "Do you know what dd's done to upset Jemima?"

If I was the parent, I would most certainly have been asking why your did wasn't invited

BertrandRussell · 30/10/2015 09:27

Sorry- if I was the party parent, I would be asking.......

Original poster

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2015 09:32

Well, DD spent the afternoon yesterday playing with one of the party friends, whilst I drank coffee with the mum. Their younger siblings are friends too and in the same year so they were playing too. They all had fun together but I could tell she was niggly when we left as her friend had gone on about how excited she was about the Halloween party! Aargh!

DD is in separate classes to many of her mates and many of her esteem issues might be related to her dyslexia and being in low ability groups.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2015 09:34

Have to say that the friend's mum is very alpha mummy in the popularity stakes and is forever having dinner parties etc... I don't think she's ever had anxiety over this sort of stuff. She is probably just proud her DD has so many mates.

OP posts:

wowis · 30/10/2015 09:39

aww that sounds so hard for you and DD. I don't know why she wouldn't be invited if they were all playing..do you not have the sort of friendship where you could say 'is there a reason my DD not coming? I;m just worried something has happened I'm not aware of.. etc' (maybe play the 'concerned i've missed something 'rather than angry or hurt she's not invited etc)

Lndnmummy · 30/10/2015 09:52

That sounds so hard OP. Just wanted to say that you and your dd sound lovely!

As she is 12, perhaps you could have a gentle chat with her about transitions and friendships, and how at times in our lives, friendships change but you know that in time she will make new ones as she is a lovely girl who is a grear friend? Say that you will help her with new groups/new things she wants to try and if she feels down about it to always talk to you?

I had a chat with my much younger sister to that effect when she was 13 and she still talks about it now. It is hard as we just want to fix things for them but perhaps the best support would be to say to her is show her that at times in life things are like this and we have to work to make it better and that all will come good in the end.
By the way I obviously think that the alpha mum and her precious daughter are evil witches who do not deserve your prescense on their shitty holiday

Nearlycaughtawoozle · 30/10/2015 09:54

Your DD's experiences sound very similar to those of my DD. She was really unhappy for the first few years at secondary school - no secure friends and being bullied at various points. She also had undiagnosed dyslexia and dyspraxia and had really low self esteem (which was picked up on and used by some of her "friends"). Guides was a really positive focus in her week.

I would not go on holiday with these friends - I cooled a friendship with someone whose DD could not be relied on to be consistently kind to my DD. If she's having a tough time, I think it is important that family and leisure time is as much a haven as possible.

waterrat · 30/10/2015 10:01

I think u need to be careful not to put your own insecurities onto her. It's only November it's not surprising she has not made many friends yet.

It would be better yhat you make light of it and encourage her to feel positive rather than reinforcing the idea that she has got a big problem

BertrandRussell · 30/10/2015 10:12

I really don't understand why you didn't ask the party mother.

Original poster

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2015 10:18

Thanks for your kind words Lndnmummy - I have tried to have that chat with her. I'm also very conscious to try and keep the balance right waterrat. (She is in yr 8, so has been at secondary for over a year btw, she's August born so still 12)

I'm stalling on the holiday plans (the 2 party mums are already booked in). I'm not going to be booking anything till at least the new year... we'll see how things develop. I don't want to write off these friends of hers, I think that things at their age do ebb and flow a bit so we'll see. I do agree that holidays are a haven (this half term has for the most part been precious respite from it all!) and I'm not booking a holiday that she's going to be anxious about.

OP posts:

wowis · 30/10/2015 10:21

OP a few of us have suggested talking to the mums or one of them at least..why would you not?

Original poster

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2015 10:26

It just feels awkward - they've even discussed it in front of me (the 2 parents), as I stood there fuming quietly - though they obviously don't see a problem. I think I'd embarrass DD if I asked for her to be invited. It's because the 2 girls have new mates they've made in classes that DD isn't in - one of the girls said it's because DD would feel left out. Irony...

OP posts:

wowis · 30/10/2015 10:34

eugh....thats really difficult. They must feel your daughter is doing something else and this is with 'their new class' etc. I think if you feel you can't talk to the parents about it maybe leave this one but perhaps organise a sleepover at yours with the three of them? Get them excited about that? You may find the holiday strengthens the friendships again. The other option is withdrawing a bit I suppose but it depends how much you value the mothers friendships in your life..maybe they're not that good friends if they can't see why this would be an issue...it really does sound difficult though and I would find it hard on my DD's behalf too. Id minimise it for her as in 'it's just because its with others you don't know' etc then plan a get together/sleepover so she has something to look forward too. If they are funny or don't take up the get together offer well you've got your answer I suppose. Kids are so fickle at this age but sensitive kids get bruised by it. bless her.

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