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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you say something?

37 replies

madmotherof2 · 29/10/2015 22:10

Hi

Our family is friendly with 2 other families. Our connection is that we all have children in the same year at school and that due to living close to each other we also walk to and from school together. The other 2 families have 1 child each and we have 2.

We sometimes do things together during school holidays and weekends, however for some reason we've started noticing that the other 2 families are going out more together than all 3 together ( or even us with one of them).

We have a current issue with our youngest ( so the child in common with their children) medically, meaning that he misses out on a lot of things. Life has changed considerably. He's forever being told about what he's missing ( by both the other children and the adults) and it's upsetting for our son.

Today was a recent example, we needed to attend hospital, both other families arranged to go out together, and afterwards Son was told all about it, and it was justified how both families were at home bored, which I understand but it would have been lovely to have been contacted to ask if we'll be able to go along after the hospital.

I don't know, my husband is annoyed by it all, but mainly to how it's rubbed in sons face. He wants to say something about it ( about could it be possible to be more discreet) and I agree but I don't know how to go about it!

However I don't know if we are BU feeling this way? Personally I think we should back away a little, spend time doing things with other friends.

Son is 6

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Hassled · 29/10/2015 22:16

Yes to backing away and doing different things with other people. They've not been especially kind and thoughtful, have they?

As to whether you should say anything - ideally yes, because their behaviour is just not fair on your son. In reality I probably wouldn't have the guts - but by removing yourself from their company as much as possible, hopefully they'll get the message. And even if they don't, they won't have the chance to tell your son about the things he's missed out on. I hope he gets on OK with the medical issues.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 29/10/2015 22:16

Yes, back away.

"We did this without you. Nerr!"

Life's too short for that kind of wankery.

Madeyemoodysmum · 29/10/2015 22:25

Agree. Spend time with others your son needs fun not being subjected to being excluded.

Bloomsberry · 29/10/2015 22:35

It sounds like you all need to live less in one another's pockets. It sounds like quite a claustrophobic dynamic, with two families doing something together and then immediately telling the child what he'd missed but also apparently feeling the need to justify the outing...

I would diversify my friendships.

Original poster
madmotherof2 · 29/10/2015 22:40

It is quite claustrophobic! The problem is it started off with doing the odd thing, to suddenly doing a lot, to now it being the way it is!

I'm tempted to say something, I'm pretty close friends with both of the mothers, one would be mortified that DS is getting upset and the other would find an excuse as to why it's acceptable. She's lovely, we get on brilliantly, but she's very opinionated about a lot of things. Funnily enough though, if the tables turned, and her DS was the one missing out, she'd be very vocal and very cross about it.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 29/10/2015 22:45

Hi. Look, we dont mind you just going off and not inviting us, but can you give it a rest rubbing our sons face in it please? He doesnt understand when people are mean like that. Ta.

gBean · 29/10/2015 22:56

They sound like a set of Wankers.

BackforGood · 29/10/2015 22:59

Sounds very claustrophobic to me too. I've never understood this "leaving me out" thing. Surely everyone does different things, at different times, with different groups of people, and different sizes of group and different dynamics of group ? If friends of mine go out, I hope they have a nice time, not whinge about why I wasn't asked - particularly as clearly you couldn't go as you had a hospital appt to get to Confused

lexigrey · 29/10/2015 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wizzywig · 29/10/2015 23:08

As a mum of SN kids, honestly just get used to it. Unfortunately there are folk out there that will do that. Just go for quality not quantity with your friendships x

lexigrey · 29/10/2015 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2015 23:46

I'd back away really and not say anything.

If your only connection is having kids at the same school and living nearby, that's not really a huge basis for a friendship.

They're entitled to do things without you and not have to swear their kids to secrecy IYSWIM.

I think 'school gate' friends are pretty easy come and easy go really.

It might be better for you and your DH to concentrate on your own (non school related) friends and let your child ask if he can invite someone over now and again (not necessarily these kids).

He's only 6 so has plenty of time to make his own friends, without his parents having to be friends with their parents.

I think sometimes the waters get muddy when the adults get involved with school friendships.

Mmmmcake123 · 30/10/2015 00:02

Hey OP some posters have mentioned sn issues that would make a day out hard work. You haven't said what your dc's med issues are which is fair enough.
I think that if a child has medical or sn needs, people shouldn't just choose to exclude them, however I think they don't always know how to include.
It sounds like you did have a fairly good relationship with these people so I would tell them what the situation is like for you and dc.
Others say let them go, or hey welcome to sn world, but they're aren't always a bunch of new people round the corner for you to hook up with.
Backing away could lead to difficulties finding other friends and your family becoming a bit introverted or centred around people who also have same difficulties.
IMO but not knowing your dc med issue, I would try to relate to them.
If it doesn't work then ditch Cake

Original poster
madmotherof2 · 30/10/2015 01:11

My Son doesn't have SN, he's going through chemotherapy.

OP posts:
Wtfmummy · 30/10/2015 01:26

Really sorry to hear that OP. I hope his treatment is going well.

I would have a quiet word with them if I was you. Keep it simple but if i were one of the other mummies then I'd want to know

Good luck x

MidniteScribbler · 30/10/2015 01:30

Is it that they are 'rubbing his face in it' or is it just that they mention things they have done that you weren't included in? It could be that your rather sensitive, so just mentioning something may seem mean to you, but it's just normal conversation.

Original poster
madmotherof2 · 30/10/2015 01:55

midnite, I think I am more sensitive about it at the moment as DS is having a hard time of it. It just seems very obvious that they are regularly doing things that either we are not invited to or its not something DS could do.

More often than not its dropped into conversation, which I appreciate can't be avoided. I suppose it's the joy of the fact that there's 3 children, when 2 go out together and have a great time it becomes the main topic of conversation which obviously naturally DS can't join in with. Sometimes it's spoken about in a non nasty way, in other times it does feel more rubbed in in a " nerrr we had a great time at such and such didn't we....!)

I'm not going to say anything, I value the friendship of the mums, and I'm not sure how well it would go down if I brought it up. I think we'll just try and back away a bit.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 30/10/2015 07:06

Is it the kids that are saying 'oh we had such a great time at..'

If so I wouldn't see it as being rubbed in his face. Kids just don't think sometimes.

Could it also be that the other families don't know what to do for the best. Maybe think that you won't or can't go somewhere because of ds' treatment.

If ds really wants to go somewhere with them I would plan a day out with both of them, or speak to the mother that's more open to listening and tell her how ds feels.

You may find there is a reason for it, that's not about leaving you out.

Yes they will do stuff together without you. But if you want to remain friends and ds wants to, too. I would speak to them.

Original poster
madmotherof2 · 30/10/2015 07:40

Hi Enjoralass, it's mainly the kids ( and the adults think it's adorable) , but sometimes the adults too. Yesterday was an adult, who told son all about it ( for no reason, he hadn't asked) and when he looked upset and said " lucky" she obviously noticed and started saying that it was an accident ( they accidently arranged to go somewhere Hmm) and that both the families were bored at home. I understand that, however DS was hardly having a thrilling time on a hospital bed at the time too. I don't know, I am sensitive at the moment, but that upset me as that mother knew we were only going to be at the hospital for a short time ( she was texting me whilst I was there) so it saddens me that she didn't ask if we'd like to go, or that this was their plans and would be like to come along if we get a chance. It just feels like we're being avoided. Which is sad as we were all good friends way before the chemo started. I feel like asking them if they think he's contagious?! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
madmotherof2 · 30/10/2015 07:47

Sorry forgot to add in, I do wonder if they don't know what to do for the best, but then ask me! I can always say no (there's been a few things over this half term, and I think there's another day planned on Saturday) but I don't get asked if we'd like to go, the first thing I know is when the facebook updates start!

It's just all weird, it's never been like this ( we have all done the occasional things without one family) and suddenly it's like we don't exist?!

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 30/10/2015 08:05

I really doubt that any of them intend any harm and are finding it hard to work out how to simply 'be' in light of your son's treatment.

Could you arrange for this to be a treat... a way for him to be included when he isn't there?

A video, video call, pictures and a story, little keepsakes like rocks, flowers, IOUs - places to go when you are better, anything that stops your little boy from feeling left out and allows those parents and kids to live their lives without feeling guilty for being able to do so.

You can't go on resenting them getting on with their lives, it isn't healthy for you. You can't stop them either. So you can either stop being friends and ignore them, which might be OK in the short term, or you could talk to them and discuss how they can become part of your son's treatment and help him enjoy their friendship even when he isn't with them!

Original poster
madmotherof2 · 30/10/2015 08:18

Hi blanche, I'm not resentful, it is hard and I appreciate we can't, and don't, expect them to live our life, it's just weird?! So for instance, yesterday, we were unavailable for 2 hours of the day, both other families knew this, and they manage to squeeze in an outing within that time?! I don't know, I just find that a strange thing to do, it felt deliberate?! Which is weird as it's not really the way I'd expect them to be.

It feels like there's an underlying issue, perhaps they've had enough of us, perhaps they don't know what to suggest about DS, I just wish if there was that they'd say something!

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 30/10/2015 08:28

Op, you are living through a very difficult time.

People act very oddly when things like this happen. Maybe they don't know what to say, are worried about saying the wrong thing, want to say something, feel awkward, worried they will upset you or say the wrong thing.

I wish we all found it easier to know what to do in these situations. Some people are great at it. I know I am not. I never know if I am doing the right thing or wrong thing and sometimes end up not doing much at all out of fear of upsetting someone more. Then beat myself up about not being a better person.

Do you really feel you cant start the convertsation?

hazeyjane · 30/10/2015 08:33

Considering your circumstances I think they are being pretty unthoughtful. I think I would have to say something.

derxa · 30/10/2015 08:35

What a difficult situation.
People are very strange when it comes to serious illness. Also I've been in this 3 family situation and it always leads to this type of scenario.
I feel for you and your little boy. He is having to deal with a horrible illness and he is old enough to notice that he is being excluded.
Lower your expectations of these 'friends'.