would you say something?

[madmotherof2]

Hi

Our family is friendly with 2 other families. Our connection is that we all have children in the same year at school and that due to living close to each other we also walk to and from school together. The other 2 families have 1 child each and we have 2.

We sometimes do things together during school holidays and weekends, however for some reason we've started noticing that the other 2 families are going out more together than all 3 together ( or even us with one of them).

We have a current issue with our youngest ( so the child in common with their children) medically, meaning that he misses out on a lot of things. Life has changed considerably. He's forever being told about what he's missing ( by both the other children and the adults) and it's upsetting for our son.

Today was a recent example, we needed to attend hospital, both other families arranged to go out together, and afterwards Son was told all about it, and it was justified how both families were at home bored, which I understand but it would have been lovely to have been contacted to ask if we'll be able to go along after the hospital.

I don't know, my husband is annoyed by it all, but mainly to how it's rubbed in sons face. He wants to say something about it ( about could it be possible to be more discreet) and I agree but I don't know how to go about it!

However I don't know if we are BU feeling this way? Personally I think we should back away a little, spend time doing things with other friends.

Son is 6

Any ideas?

But you are simmering in silence. You just need t talk to them rather than assume that how they organise themselves is weird, deliberate, strange etc.

There really is an underlying issue. You say you wish they'd ask, maybe they have absolutely no idea what to say, how to start that conversation.

Which is why I made the suggestions I did. You may not think you are resentful, but if you carry on seeing their actions as you have reported here, you soon will be. That isn't helpful to you or your son and may prevent your friends from being able to be more helpful.

TALK TO THEM! Stop simmering and being silent about it.

Hope everything works out well for your son and family x

They might not be inviting you as they think your son will be feeling poorly after his treatment. They might be backing off as they feel guilty/upset when they see your family having to go through this.

I'd like to think the grown-ups aren't rubbing your son's nose in what he's missing.

If you do want to stay friends, take the lead and organise something. If they feign busy, you know where you stand and to move on.

Yesterday was an adult, who told son all about it ( for no reason, he hadn't asked) and when he looked upset and said " lucky" she obviously noticed and started saying that it was an accident ( they accidently arranged to go somewhere hmm) and that both the families were bored at home

I think you can use this as an opportunity to call her, and ask her what that was all about - does she not think your son is going through enough at the moment to then know that they are all having a jolly time whilst he is in hospital? And add a 'I thought we were friends' in there as well. I mean, it is no accident that they seem to be out having fun whilst your son is going through chemo, is it?

Thanks all, I've really appreciated all the advice, it's been good having somewhere to write it down!

I'm going to have a think about what to say and then maybe approach them, I'd hate to fall out with them, but they aren't going to know what's bothering me if I don't. I kind of think it's to do with the treatment, but that doesn't really stack up as we all openly talk about that, they know his limitations etc. So in my mind they know what he can and can't do and are organising to do whatever he can't. I know I'm over thinking that, but with the level of activities over this half term I can't help but think that!

Thanks everyone xx

So in my mind they know what he can and can't do and are organising to do whatever he can't. I know I'm over thinking that, but with the level of activities over this half term I can't help but think that!

Oh! I had a thought... is it possible that they are making themselves available to you and your son, in non tiring ways, when he is not in hospital? Then going out when he is in hospital, doing the things that he can't do but would have been spread out across the week in any usual holiday period.

It's a difficult time for you. But they're not mind readers. Just talk to them. About including your son and also about being subtle about stuff he can't do or isn't available to do due to appointments.

Hi all, thanks for all of your replies, very much appreciated!

I think I've not been overly clear on it all though. I don't expect them to not move forward and not do things as my son can't join in. There are things that we know, and DS knows, are not a good idea. However, for instance the trip yesterday would have been absolutely fine, and I think my friends would have known that, it's just sad that they didn't ask ( I didn't know in advance so that I could ask if we could join in)

I hate to think of anyone thinking I expect others to stop their lives just because of what it going in ours, however as our friends I feel abit sad that there seems to be something like this going on. Since the children broke up on Friday they've been on 3 outings ( and are going on another tomorrow that I don't think they know I'm aware of). I don't know, maybe I'm wrong to feel this way but I feel quite sad that they couldn't have asked if we'd like to join them on one of them? And what would suit DS? Maybe next holiday I'll try and get in first with some ideas.

Personally, I'd suggest an outing for tomorrow ' as you haven't had chance to catch up much this half term'.

If they don't mention it then seriously think about what kind of friends they are. Sadly with illness and disability you do find what real friends are made of.

Thanks doris, I've had a chat with my husband about it, I'm going to send a message asking if we can go bowling at some point in the future as DS loves it and was abit sad that he missed out yesterday. I feel that's not too confrontational but also means that something nice comes out of it.

Some people really don't seem to think there's anything wrong about eong open, even showing off to everyone, about what a good time they have had: it seems to be their "done thing" on Facebook and Instagram. They are so used to trying to make scarcely-known people jealous of their lives that it has probably affected their real-life, in-person manners and tact!