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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i have 400 fb "friends" i literally have ONE real friend, is this normal, or

33 replies

TheBitchOfDestiny · 29/10/2015 21:43

...is there something wrong with me? there are loads of people i chat to on facebook, aquaintances, friends but none who i meet up with, or who ask me to meet or include me in stuff

i have a "best friend" ...maybe that's tragic at my age (35 ) to have a "bff" type person. but she is the only one i can rely on, the only one that gets me, and the only one who ever asks me to meet up or includes me in stuff...i love her and we are so lucky to have eachother

my other "best friend" is my dh i guess

i am not close to family, i don't get on with my brother, and my mum and me don't really have a proper relationship, never have. i have never made friends at my dc school (ie other mums) i work very part time but i work on my own so no chance of making friends there

i also have a little set of what i would describe as "casual" friends that are a little group of friends together, if that makes sense. they invite me out sometimes, and vice versa. but i am crap socially and tbh i find it a bit of an ordeal ...they like to do stuff like lunches out and with an 18 months old toddler its not ideal when my kid is chucking food and screeching. also, i feel on the outside as that "group" are all parents at the same school and have that in common where as my dc go to a different school. they are really social people that seem to have massive circles and are constantly doing exciting stuff and are massively in demand unlike me

i had 2 other close friends, that i had been mates with since my teens, but i knew them separately. a couple of years ago i introduced the pair of them, they are now "best friends" ...and we have drifted apart since then. i often ask them to meet up but rarely happens.....yet all over facebook they are constantly meeting up and plastering pics etc, it hurts

i am worried it is me, do i have a shit personality or am i not as nice as i think i am, its getting me down

OP posts:

hibbleddible · 29/10/2015 22:25

It is a really hard one.

It is normal to drift away from friends, and it is also normal to lose friends as you get older.

I can certainly resonate with a lot of your post. I feel like I haven't got many good friends, and the number has decreased as the years go on.

Maybe deactivate your Facebook if it is bothering you? Are you gaining anything from being on Facebook?

CerseiLannistersEyebrow · 29/10/2015 22:28

I'm the same, except no best friend (never had one).

Dogsmom · 29/10/2015 22:31

You sound the same as me, I've got 1 true friend, a group of Mom friends who I see at playgroups although nowhere near as many fb friends because I only accept family and people who I genuinely like and not just know.

So yeah to me I think you're normal.

pinotblush · 29/10/2015 22:34

I personally only have very close people on FB.

I dont understand adding people you dont know.

CatThiefKeith · 29/10/2015 22:41

I have a lot of FB friends, because I have a big family, have moved around a lot and used to work in hospitality and run pubs. I also periodically delete people I don't her from any more. I used to have a rule that I didn't add people I wouldn't give my phone number to, but have added a few Mumsnetters over the years.

If you interact with your FB friends, I think it's fine, but if it's bothering you maybe thin them out a bit?

Longdistance · 29/10/2015 22:47

I'm like you op. Have a bf of 35 years, but not what I'd call real friends on fb.
No one really invited me to stuff, and bff is the only one that gets me too.

Drquin · 29/10/2015 22:51

There's probably a happy medium ..... I suspect many of your "FB friends" are genuine "friends" but circumstances mean you don't see them regularly. So if you're using FB as a means of communication to maintain a friendship, then that's great. A friendship can be a great one, even if you're not meeting for lunch / drinks etc regularly.

Equally, it's no bad thing to have a cull now & again .... Previous advice of who would you give your phone number to is probably a fair starting point.

But also remember, FB can give fake representation of other people's lives. Some folk are the drama llamas ..... Those who never just have a cold or sore head ..... Or at the other end of the spectrum, those who post their photos or check-ins of their fantastic holiday or boozy night-out. Most of us just have nice, normal lives :-)

AnthonyPandy · 29/10/2015 22:53

ssshhhhh but there might have been an article in the Daily Mail about this today.

Maybe.

I wouldn't actually know because I don't read it.

JoffreyBaratheon · 29/10/2015 22:54

I was with my ex for several years. It was only after we split I realised I had never seen him take a single phone call from a friend; or been there when a friend knocked on his door, or met any friend when we went out... Yet he has over 600 FB friends. Makes no sense. Not one of them can ever know him IRL.

GreenPetal94 · 29/10/2015 22:58

I have four really good friends. Only one of them has a facebook account. I have a few hundred facebook acquaintances.

imwithspud · 29/10/2015 23:11

I am similar. I used to have a fair few friends and was part of a few different social groups during my teens & early 20's. Over the years, I got with my DP then a few years later started having babies and it's gradually got less and less. I would say now that I only really have 2 or 3 friends who I talk to on a regular or semi-regular basis. I don't see them all that often, due to a couple of them not living locally and general every day life getting in the way. I actually lost contact with one for a few years but over the past few months we have become close again, so just because you no longer speak to someone you were once good friends with doesn't mean that friendship can't be rekindled at some point in the future.

It used to get me down and I used to wonder what was wrong with me but now I realise that actually, there's naf all wrong with me and I'm actually much happier at this point in my life to be living a quiet life and not having to maintain tonnes of friendships - I just don't have the time or the energy. Sometimes I look back on old times with fond nostalgia but that's all it is now. Times change.

Scoobydoo8 · 29/10/2015 23:13

If you are crap socially and find it a bit of an ordeal you need to do social things that involve something other than just Chat.

Can you look into doing a sport or hobby, naturally you will prob not be able to take the 18 month old but can you get a babysitter once a week for a start.

I'm sure you've posted before about your friends etc

I read a book about friendships and it said it takes 2 years to form a proper friendship so start doing stuff where you will meet likely candidates and be patient.

futureme · 29/10/2015 23:13

I have friends in different locations which I keep in contact with by fb. I don't really have v close local friends.

Enjolrass · 30/10/2015 07:24

I have a couple of close friends in RL.
And tons of people on FB, don't actually know how many.

I use FB for my hobby. We compete all over the UK and there are many clubs. We do official competitions then one of the other clubs may have a 'friendly' comp, so we all keep in touch on FB.

If I can't make It to a comp, there will be updates on FB. I actually only check FB when o get an email to say I have been tagged in something or I am watching for competition updates.

Your situation doesn't sound that unusual. Personally I don't enjoy socialising that much, so a couple of RL best friends suits me.

CoodleMoodle · 30/10/2015 07:52

You have more friends than me OP! I'm 26 and have my best friend, my DH and my DM (plus other family but I'm not really close with anybody else in a 'friend' sense). I've also got a few online friends who I've known for 10+ years and met several times, but have drifted from over the years. Especially as I have DC and they don't. I don't go to toddler groups or have any interaction with other parents other than online. Didn't really make friends at uni, though had lots at sixth form (again, drifted away from). I have about 60 FB friends because I deleted everyone from high school when I was pregnant and hormonal! Now it's mainly family.

I do get lonely sometimes and I know I should do something about it but I'm useless socially and have no real interests or hobbies that aren't solo pursuits (reading, writing, etc). Plus, DD takes up so much of my energy. We live in a tiny village and there just aren't many people here, which doesn't help...

So, not much help to you OP, but I know how you feel. Sort of!

cantgonofurther · 30/10/2015 08:01

I have no friends. Only family. I haven't had real friends since early teens. I only have family on fb and my mum is the only one who likes my pictures etc. No one posted congratulations when I posted about my baby's birth. My mum posted a picture of my baby and got tons of comments and likes.

MrsTedCrilly · 30/10/2015 09:02

I sometimes feel similar, I have an 18 month old so don't get out much, but keep up with people on fb and chat on there, and have text chats and so feel surrounded by friends really but don't see people often. I think maybe people think you're busy with other people or busy with your kids? Friends without kids will assume you have mummy friends. When they see you chatting a lot on there and the amount of fb friends you have, they assume you're already very socially active. I would start making the first move and arranging meet-ups with the people you do get on with on there

GloGirl · 30/10/2015 09:06

I use Facebook but it is a way to connect to my real life friends. I don't delude myself about virtual friends any more. I have been there and you can make wonderful friendships but I know that they are no replacement for physical human company.

Stop talking online to fill the void, start pushing for real connections in real life.

Original poster

TheBitchOfDestiny · 30/10/2015 09:10

see re fb i do genuinely like everyone i have and i know them in some way

many are from mumsnet but we all live in different areas and probably will never meet

a lot are from school, college etc and while i get on with them and like to chat, see updates etc i wouldn't really meet up in RL with them

then there are friends of friends, dh's friends, people i have met at things like ante natal classes, and then family members

so its not that i have a fb full of complete randoms

i guess that being ditched by the 2 friends i mentioned hurt like hell.... if i still had them i would feel i had an ok circle of mates, and also i don't know why they have done what they did, it feels like school. i have no problem that they have hit it off, i am happy for them but i dont get why their friendship has to preclude me? (is that the right word

thanks for the replies, i am glad i am not abnormal

i just feel so envious of popular people with loads of friends, people who are just effortlessly popular :(

OP posts:

HPsauciness · 30/10/2015 09:22

I think you are missing a trick by not valuing what you have. You have two best friends- your husband and your female best friend which means you are well supported, plus a few casual friends you see as and when it suits you.

You aren't friendless!!!!

HPsauciness · 30/10/2015 09:24

Yes, I think you are brooding over the two friends who have ditched you, and understandably that has made you feel a bit rejected and sorry for yourself.

But who really is 'effortlessly popular'? Most people I know are pretty busy working and wouldn't have time for huge numbers of friends (and being a SAHM is quite hard as people go back to work and so aren't available in the daytime).

HPsauciness · 30/10/2015 09:26

I don't mean to trivialize it though, it's horrible when people cut you out and you really can't see the reason. I don't think FB is helping though, as it then shoves their fun in your face. Can you still see them separately (and get off FB as it doesn't seem to be enhancing your life as you still feel unpopular despite all your contacts)?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 30/10/2015 09:31

I have about 120 FB 'friends'. Apart from family, I would only count 2 as friends. 1 I see about once a month, the other about three times a year. Got DP then that's it :-(

catsrus · 30/10/2015 09:33

When my DC were very small (20+ yrs ago) I was in that position - I was kept sane by a group of online friends I "met" in a chat room. We are still friends now, I've only ever met most of them 4-5 times in those 20+ yrs but we are all real people and real friends. Some of us are now on Facebook so we share that way, we also still have an email list we use to send out personal stuff we don't want to put on Facebook.

I would say to cull your friends list on Facebook to the people you really do want to be friends with and enjoy the fact that you can interact with your real friends on there even though you have less freedom to go out now you have DC.

Original poster

TheBitchOfDestiny · 01/11/2015 17:38

Yes, I think you are brooding over the two friends who have ditched you, and understandably that has made you feel a bit rejected and sorry for yourself

yep hp deffo

but I do think if I had more friends I wouldn't care half as much

But who really is 'effortlessly popular'? ...trust me, the people in the other group are, their social lives make me feel exhausted just hearing about them. one of them had one of those McMillan cancer fund raising cocktail nights the other month. she had to hold THREE. yes THREE to fit all her friends, ie different friends on different nights. I wouldn't have had enough mates do do one tbh. (great for McMillan of course as she would have raised loads) ....and they are already talking about how booked up they are in the run up to Christmas, with meals, nights out etc. me? I have nothing booked apart from christmas dinner at MILs. AND they all work as well.

also I have tried coming off facebook, done it a few times recently. but always end up back on as feel I am missing out. MAD

OP posts:

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