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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think adopted children shouldn't have to stay in contact with birth parents

45 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 29/10/2015 11:31

This was a new one on me when my dsis went through the adoption process. I had no idea that children are encouraged to remain in contact with their neglectful and abusive birth parents. As if adoption isn't hard enough already?!

Dsis adopted two boys 18 months ago. Siblings, 6 and 8 at the time. Their new lives are punctuated with the turmoil of having to write letters two/ three times a year to their birth parents. How are they ever supposed to settle? Every time they write, it is followed by a period of insecurity and unsettled behaviour. How can this possibly be in their best interests?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 29/10/2015 11:33

I think it should be decided on a case-by-case basis.

Phoenix0x0 · 29/10/2015 11:34

Was this amount of contact (letterbox) written into the adoption order?

Chattymummyhere · 29/10/2015 11:34

I don't think they always are I know somebody not a friend but they post everything on FB. Her children where removed and it's been up to the new adoptive parents if any contact is allowed the birth mother is not allowed to send gifts/cards unless the new parents say she can. Might be worth talking to their social worker if they still have one about the impact this letter writing is having.

steff13 · 29/10/2015 11:34

What happens if they just don't do it?

Phoenix0x0 · 29/10/2015 11:35

Forgot to add!

Has the adoption even been granted yet or is this amount of contact coming from SS?

steff13 · 29/10/2015 11:37

Where I live (Ohio) there is no such thing as an "open" adoption. If the adoptive parents want to stay in contact with the birth parents, they can, but they have no legal obligation to do so. It seems cruel to force children to stay in contact with parents who abused them.

Thefitfatty · 29/10/2015 11:39

YANBU. We had the same situation with my adopted younger brother. Unfortunately his bio mother was (and still is) a first class manipulator who convinced him that we were lying about her beating him to the point of hospitalization, lying about her drug use, etc and that she loved him. He left and went and stayed with her the minute he turned 18. He's now heavy into drugs and living more or less on the street.

SaucyJack · 29/10/2015 11:42

What about parents who don't abuse their children?

Forced adoptions at birth from parents who have LDs or MH problems and are presumed "guilty" before being given a chance are not unheard of.

It's barbaric that they should never see their children again.

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 29/10/2015 11:43

Yes the adoption was granted last year. I think it was because the boys' mum challenged the adoption so it was written into the terms of adoption in order to allow it to go ahead. Or something like that. I've heard of other similar cases. Personally in think you forfeit your right to have children the minute you neglect or abuse them. Perhaps I am seeing things too simplistically.

OP posts:
AnyoneFucoffee · 29/10/2015 11:45

TBH it surprises me that your DSis is getting the children to write the letters rather than doing it herself... Or did I get that wrong?

If your DSis has the adoption order, it's up to her as to whether to continue with contact (although social services won't tell her that).

If she feels it isn't in the DC's best interest (long term as well as short), she can simply stop.

firefly78 · 29/10/2015 11:47

its adult to adult contact. the children do not need to be involved?

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 29/10/2015 11:47

The advice was that as they are old enough to write they should be encouraged to do so. But if what you've said is right Anyone (I have no reason to doubt you) then I might mention that to her.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 29/10/2015 11:49

I was a CP SW, it is decided on a case by case situation and it's very complex because there may be half siblings etc in the future.

This usually follows on from what was in place during Fostering, most 6-8 year olds (as in this case), have had very complex backgrounds and quite a few Foster placements.

There is a settling in period in Adoptions and sometimes the Adoptive Parents/Children decide that it's not going to work.

Research bears this out that this is the best way.

What's making life a lot more complex for Fosterers/Special Guardians/Adopters is Social Media, most children find their birth families, usually during the dangerous teen years.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/10/2015 11:50

I would write the letters myself, typed on a PC.

I would let them do it if it didn't cause distress but as it does I would see me doing it and justifying it due to the problems it causes.

lexigrey · 29/10/2015 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyoneFucoffee · 29/10/2015 11:52

We have a contact agreement in place and my DCs birth mother applied for leave to contest the adoption (although this wasn't granted).

I can stop contact anytime... Although as I say, social services haven't told me this.

Defo worth your DSis seeking advice if it's that unsettling for the DC. She needs to act in their best interest, not the birth parents. Flowers

Lots of people who know far more than me on the Adoption section of this site, and adoption UK forum.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 29/10/2015 11:52

Where there is proven abuse, there should be no contact imo. In other situations, I think it is very important for children to know their roots. In many cases the birth parents do love their dc - they are just not in the best place to do actual parenting.

I think that even if you place a child for adoption, being a parent is not something you can ever really opt out of - you always have an obligation to that child, even if it just answering their questions when they are adults, if they get in contact. It might be more than that (regular letters etc), depending on circumstance. It is about doing what gives the child the most security in themselves.

Hard for the adoptive parents though and absolutely inappropriate in cases of abuse etc.

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 29/10/2015 11:52

They have siblings in foster care who they still see occasionally and dsis has no issues with this. The boys were relatively fortunate in that they had one, excellent foster carer for two years after they were taken away from their birth parents. Then dsis adopted them.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 29/10/2015 11:53

""Perhaps I am seeing things too simplistically""

Yes you are, but as said, if the letter writing is causing distress, then your Sister can do it on their behalf.

Phoenix0x0 · 29/10/2015 11:53

No you are not seeing this simplistically. Every time they receive these contacts, then it just reminds them and re-traumatises every.single. Time.

Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the child/children. In my experience (and yes I am a mummy through adoption), contact is often in the best interests of the birth family.

Unfortunately, If it was written into the order, then if these 'letters' are not written then your DSis would be in breach of the order.

The only thing I would advise is maybe your DSis, writes these letters to the BF (and not ask the children to) so it's essentially a communication between the adults. When (or if) there are replies then maybe your DSis could share these when appropriate.

firefly78 · 29/10/2015 11:54

i think you should ask for this to be moved to the adoption board

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/10/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyoneFucoffee · 29/10/2015 11:54

I write the letters to the Birth Mother and my children are similar ages. I speak to the kids throughout the weeks and months leading up to contact month to see what they want to include. Takes the edge off.

It's another option impure DSis could look at.

AnyoneFucoffee · 29/10/2015 11:54

your not impure! Sorry.

AnyoneFucoffee · 29/10/2015 11:56

Unfortunately, If it was written into the order, then if these 'letters' are not written then your DSis would be in breach of the order.

Have ever heard of that happening, Phoenix (genuine question?)

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