to think adopted children shouldn't have to stay in contact with birth parents

[LittleLionMansMummy]

This was a new one on me when my dsis went through the adoption process. I had no idea that children are encouraged to remain in contact with their neglectful and abusive birth parents. As if adoption isn't hard enough already?!

Dsis adopted two boys 18 months ago. Siblings, 6 and 8 at the time. Their new lives are punctuated with the turmoil of having to write letters two/ three times a year to their birth parents. How are they ever supposed to settle? Every time they write, it is followed by a period of insecurity and unsettled behaviour. How can this possibly be in their best interests?

FFS.

Have you ever heard...

As someone who has been adopted I find the whole idea of open adoption totally u fair on the children & the new family. As far as I can see it's used to help the birth mother/father feel better about themselves.

I also have family who have open adoptions & one child has visitation with her abuser on a regular basis... Yes very helpful SS.

The whole thing is misguided & frankly fucked up. Everyday I feel sorry for the children "In care".

I thought there would be siblings.

They could be returned to the Mother (in theory) and that is why the order has bee in place, that doesn't mean that it is forever.

You would probably be surprised at how many children leave their secure Foster Placement, or Adoptive home in the teen years and try to reconnect with Birth Family.

You can live were you want at 14 and even in the case of severe abuse, some young people have a need for the acceptance of their Birth family.

You'll see it on here, it often takes into your 30's+ to decide NC.

My DD is younger than your nephews, but I always write to the BF and will continue to do that.

Our contact was not specified in the adoption order, it was just an agreement between the BF and my husband and I.

I see that not all adoption cases are the same and perhaps I should have stressed in my post 'if they've been abused or neglected'. I still find it hard to see, how in this specific case (obviously can't go into details) it's the right thing to do. I think I will suggest to dsis that she writes the letters instead.

anyone

If the court order states that so many letters are to be written and these are not, then BF can challenge why the contact arrangements have ended in the courts.

Yes, Phoenix I can see that BF could challenge if that were the case.

I've just never heard of contact being specified in an order as opposed to an agreement.

Wonder what happens if the DC simply refuse to write them... I can see that DSis would need to... But then that really is in the birth family's best interest as opposed to the child's.

Sorry to hijack LittleLion

Guess the advice is that every adoption is different but no, YANBU and DSis should be encouraged to act in DCs best interest, not Birth Family's, within the limits of what is contained within the order. If it was simply an agreement (I.e. Not court ordered... Which this doesn't sound like) then she can stop.

It's very rare anyone to be in an adoption order.

Every day is a school day phoenix. Thank you.

I have never heard of adopted children writing their own letterbox letters, certainly not at this young age. Most adopters will either keep letterbox letters for when children are older, or digest them as appropriate for the children at a time when they are able to cope with them.

There are many extremely good reasons why adopted children should have some kind of contact with their birth family and not just have a black hole. These include not setting up birth family to be a fantastically rich fantasy family who live in a castle and would make everything perfect for the child; actually seeing people who look like themselves; understanding where some of their traits (good and bad) come from. Even bad letterbox/contact can help with some of these. If letterbox doesn't come or is badly worded, older children will understand their birth parents' limitations more.

What would happen if your sister breached the order.

I have a loving close bond with my mum and I would struggle to write a letter every few months.

What would happen if your sisters DC would to write negivate things, like dear Jane I hate that I have to write to you I wish you would leave me and my mummy alone.

I'm an adopted child, and I think it should be entirely up to the child as to whether or not they want to remain in contact with a birth parent. I agree with an above poster (also adopted) that open adoptions are unfair. I do think things should be put in place if the adoptee wants to contact the bio parent at age 18 (but not vice versa), but only if the bio parent agrees. I never wanted to contact my bio mother, and she would have had very good reason not to want me to contact her.

You word it as 'should be encouraged to' write. Is this the actual wording in the decree? This to me means that it's not something they actually have to do, nor does it say that she must actively coerce them into doing it. If it were me, I'd interpret to mean I'd say 'If you want to...' or 'It might be nice if you…' maybe once a year rather than 'You must…' or 'You really should….'.

I'd suggest that your sister take the adoption decree to a family solicitor and get a legal interpretation of the actual wording of this 'contact clause' and any ramifications of stopping or differentiating from it. Sometimes legal language appears to 'mandate' something when it really doesn't. Unfortunately, the reverse can also be true. She might also see if there could be a point in time where this can be altered, perhaps due to the children's negative behaviour.

I seriously looked into adoption, but the open evening I attended was awful and it was clear the attitude was "you will be looking after these children for the poor, poor birth parents who are unable to" which to be honest wasn't what I wanted to hear!

I went for fertility treatment - realise this isn't for everyone either.

she has had such poor advice.horrifying. should be adult to adult. end of children dont need to do anything about unless adopters deem it appropriate to drop information they learn from letters into conversation. Open adoption is for the child's benefit. drspouse explained the reasons why very well. Imagine if there was no letterbox contact? these children could grow up to be teens and search for birth family on social media and any risky adult could exploit that. Open adoption means they will hopefully feel able to do any searching with their parents support.

However, other adoptees have said to me that they are glad they had some kind of contact during childhood, even if it's just the occasional letter. Though I do know others who had this and wish they hadn't. Many adoptive parents write letters (and receive them and interpret them for their children) because they want to be sure they did absolutely everything they could to improve their children's sense of having a biological connection of some sort.

It's now a lot more common to do this though and in this case saying "this is WRONG I tell you WRONG, we are going to refuse" is not particularly helpful.

I also know that some older children and teens say "right, Mum and Dad, will you just stop writing these letters, I don't want you to communicate about me and I don't want to receive any information". But many adopters feel that till that point, it's not the adoptive parents' decision to make, because you can't go back in time if the children say "but I would have wanted you to do that" when they are adults.

We are adoptive parents and have absolutely zero information about one of our children's birth father's beyond his ethnicity (and even that's a bit uncertain). The other one we have a possible candidate's name. We would love to be able to have some kind of contact, photo, information, anything really. Our children will want to know about their birth fathers in the future, even if it's negative information that we have to share carefully and in graded steps.

So I guess we see the other side of the coin, to be honest.

should have been a full stop after end of.

I disagree, I was adopted in the 89's and having no contact with my birth parents was very damaging.

80s

AndNow so sorry to hear that. That's why it's so hard to know what to do, because we as adopters want to do what's right by our children both now and for when they are adults, and adult adoptees can and do say different things.

if its upsetting the children then you have every right to have it stopped.

The childrens welfare comes first and foremost and SS and the adoption agencies should know this (theyre always fucking useless).

you can have letterbox contact but keep any letters for the future if then the children ask or are ready to face things.

If theres any harassment from BP then a court order is available.

Abusive BPs have no rights, the children and adopters HAVE.

(1st hand knowledge).

Hope the children are okay now.