To think that friend should not blame me for her DH getting drunk?

[Cicero7]

The background is that my friend was at uni with me and have, I thought, a friendship going back over many years. Her DH and my DH get on well and they have been on holiday with us and our DC and are godparents to DC1. I used to meet friend for lunch quite often when we both worked in the city, but much less since she changed jobs, although kept in contact.

Friend's DH likes a drink and friend will drink wine although I think she is a bit wary of alcohol, as her father was an alcoholic. I only know this because her DH told me, as friend is very private and does not confide in people although she is very interested in other people's problems - not in a negative way, as she is supportive - but just doesn't share anything of her background.

Anyway, friend's DH had to come to see a client in the town where we live and suggested meeting for lunch, which I was happy to do. We did have several drinks, I would say about 5 over about 3 hours. We were just chatting and catching up (all very open and above board BTW) but after a few drinks, friend's DH confided that he was finding it difficult because friend's new job was situated several hundred miles away and, although she came home at weekends, he was finding this difficult. I think he couldn't understand why she didn't want to be with him and was hurt by this. (Friend and DH have no DC together although he has 2 from a previous marriage so no problems re childcare etc).

The conversation then progressed to my saying that I was very fond of friend but found it difficult that despite our years of friendship, she still did not feel that she could confide in me. Friend's DH said that she didn't confide in him either.

Anyway, we finished lunch/drinks, friend's DH went home and I thought no more about it other than it was a nice lunch and feeling a bit sorry for him.

I then saw my friend for lunch a month or two later and she was distinctly off with me. She was amiable on the face of it, but said she didn't know why people had children if they weren't going to look after them themselves (I have worked full time for most of my career but by the time I met her DH had started working from home on a self-employed basis so more flexibility which is why I was free to meet her DH for lunch). She also said that my DC were disrespectful of me, which I was very hurt by. In my view, they are just normal DC but in any event much older now. She said that it was good to be working away from her DH as he would then appreciate her more.

After this lunch, I did not hear from friend apart from Christmas cards (in her DH's writing). She ignored various chatty e-mails and I thought this must be the end of the friendship but I persevered because we have been friends for so long and because she is godmother to my eldest. She was also very kind to my other DC when they were young, even coming to look after them for a week as she said I and DH needed a break. It was a random offer which we were happy to accept but came entirely from her. She also has about 7 other godchildren - she offered to become a god parent when DC1 was born but now seems to have lost interest entirely.

Eventually, last week, we met up after she and DH accepted my invitation to go out for lunch for my DH'd birthday. She was very chatty and friendly but 'explained' the fact that we had not met for several years by saying that her DH had been in a terrible drunken state after having lunch with me and had even lost some of his possessions on the train home. Her DH looked a bit sheepish and said that this was true. He also teased me and said, as I was drinking a glass of water (I had wine as well) - 'Oh look, Mrs C is drinking water, that's a first'. I just laughed and didn't really comment.

Friend and DH gave us big hugs when we left and invited us to stay at theirs , which we couldn't on the date suggested, but I suppose the friendship is sort of repaired. However, I am left a bit 'meh' about it or probably, more accurately, remain a bit hurt.

Also, her DH got very drunk on cocktails when they had dinner with us about 20 years ago (apparently urinated in the street on the way home), which she used to remind us about every so often.

Sorry this is long, but AIBU to think that people's alcohol consumption is their own responsibility and that I should not be blamed if her DH drinks too much. For what it's worth, I have lunch quite often with friends, some of whom don't drink alcohol at all. It doesn't bother me what people drink but AIBU to think it is not my fault if a consenting adult drinks too much?

Or was it my fault to have discussed her with her DH and maybe he told her and she thought I had betrayed her. i had in mind that the DH might have said that I thought she did no trust me as she didn't want to confide in me. Perhaps it was a betrayal and it is all my fault, but I still feel hurt at the commenst about my DC. Whatever anybody's grievance, I don't think it is right to criticise their children. My DC used to think friend was wonderful but are upset to have just been dropped.

Nope not your fault at all. And it's very strange she thinks it is

I don't think the alcohol is the problem here. The problem is that you have grown apart from your friend because she hasn't had children and you have. Perhaps she is unable to express that directly because it is too painful for her.

Her husband sounds like a wet lettuce.

Actually OP, I can imagine feeling a bit peeved if I came home after a long week working away, to learn that my DH had gone out with my friend, got drunk, talked about me, moaned about me, lost possessions, and generally been in a shabby state - all while I was grafting. Especially knowing about her uneasy relationship with alcohol.
Of course it's not your fault as such, but I'd still have felt upset about it.

Honestly, the friend should have had an issue with her DH. Blaming his 'friend' for leading him astray - does she think he is 12?

But I would totally avoid discussing a friend in future with her DH - does sound a bit like you were bitching about her and goodness knows how he then relayed your comments to her.

I can't believe you got drunk with your friend's husband and slagged her off to him. That is not the action of a friend.

It's hard isn't, because throughout your friendship you have never really had the kind of closeness from her in which she would actually talk about what is going on. So you can only guess at what she is up to here.

I'm not sure how you were supposed to be mindful of her sensitivity around alcohol if she herself never told you, her friend, about her life.

It sounds as if she deflected anything about her by helping / being involved in others.

In your shoes I would be hurt that she ignored and blanked you for a couple of years, having taken a very passive aggressive route to you over whatever upset her.

Her DH confided in you more than vice versa, if the most that you said was that she doesn't confide.

What would happen if you met up and asked her why she blames you for her DH getting drunk? Told her how hurt you felt or how unfair it was to have a go at your kids? Said to her that you would rather talk as friends than not communicate if there is s problem? Tell her that you care about her, that your kids missed her but it is hard if she doesn't talk about herself? Ask if she had ever felt sidelined or taken advantage of as godparent?

This sounds so much like one of my friends, except that mine has a child. She is having a hard time, the dream life she wanted hasn't really panned out that way, and she is reacting by being quite bitter and very critical towards other people. It isn't about them, it's about her loss of control over her situation. Maybe it's the same with your friend? I've backed off a bit from mine tbh, because she is unfortunately just not nice to be around right now.

I can't believe you got drunk with your friend's husband and slagged her off to him. That is not the action of a friend.

This

I don't think you are friends anymore.
Assigning blame about why that is is probably not worth it

It wasn't intended to be bitchy but I can see how it might seem so, more a case of probably a bit too much being said 'in vino veritas'.

My friend is one of those people who at first sight is bubbly, chatty, always doing things and wanting to help people. She talks to strangers all the time, in a good way (maybe that's a bit of a generational thing, pre mobile 'phones') and has on occasions met strangers on trains and invited them back to her house as they had nowhere to stay.

When I met her again after the gap, I was conscious that she always had to be talking, never silent, or companionable silence, she had to fill the silence. And she has always been like that, at university she always surrounded herself with people. And the ones she seems to have kept in most contact are a bit eccentric - single males - who are totally unassuming and non threatening.

I had some problems at work which I was very upset by, and she was sympathetic, but she has also had serious problems on a couple of occasions, but will never discuss it; you would only know from some throwaway comment or if her DH said something. I think it is partly a pride thing. For example, she was effectively constructively dismissed from her last job but never mentioned it and clearly doesn't want to discuss it. I am not saying she should, if she wants to keep it private.

However, Blu has it spot on - it's a bit hurtful when there is no reciprocation of trust, although I am sure that this stems from her background. I kind of feel that the friendship has gone as far as it can - I can't see that talking to her will make it better; she will just become defensive and it will make it harder to have any friendship at all.

I don't know why she didn't have DC, but I think probably because DH, who is a bit older, already had them, and she was focused on her career. She was a very hands on stepmother to DH's DDs, but now they have married and moved away and I get the impression that she sees very little of them.

I think perhaps Brew is right and there is some issue around not having DC. She went out of her way to volunteer to be a god mother, which is why she ended up with so many godchildren. I know that she has set up a charity to support disadvantaged children (it came up on an internet search when I was trying to find her new professional contact details). Again, she has never mentioned this to me.

When we last met she was telling me how I must support a charity which involves families hosting young people (typically young university students), who don't go home at Christmas and what a wonderful thing to do and how I must consider it. She has since sent me the details and is insisting I should do this as it's so worthwhile.

I am sure that it is, but it's not what I would choose to do at Christmas, as I regard it as time to be spent with my own family, who would not appreciate a stranger joining them for Christmas lunch. I am sorry if this sounds mean.

She once told me how much she loved DC as I must, as I have three. I said that of course I loved my own DC, they were perfect, but I wasn't necessarily keen on other people's and she looked really shocked.

Anyway, I've digressed and if there are other factors at play, I suspect I will never find out. It's just a bit sad and frustrating but I guess true friendship means accepting people for how they are.

I blame her DH to be honest who is sweet but weak. I think he must have either said something about our conversation (and believe me I didn't say anything derogatory, just that I wished that she could open up to me a bit more given how long we had been friends), or he has blamed me and used me as an excuse when she became angry with him for getting drunk.

I don't think she would have an issue in our meeting up for lunch given that he was in my town for work reasons and we have all been friends for a long time. I just don't know. Perhaps I am over thinking it.

Her husband is responsible for his own behaviour! It's not your fault he drank too much. However, I think I would be a bit put out if my husband went out for a 3 hour boozy lunch with my friend and had a good bitch and moan about me working away and apparently not confiding in anyone enough. That seems pretty disloyal.

Some people just don't feel comfortable talking about personal things or emotionally unloading, it's just a different personality type surely? Probably why she then started avoiding you in quite a PA way.

She was out of order to be criticising your kids though, did you pull her up on it at the time?

Sounds like you have grown apart really.

Aargh. Mega cross post!

This lunch with her DH was over a year ago? Ancient history, move on!

i don't really know why you are still friends as you don't seem to like her very much? You sound very patronising about her charity work and other interests and saying that your three children are perfect but you don't like anyone else's, would make me feel pretty small if I'd just told you about some charity work i'd been doing for disadvantaged children.

Some people don't confide, I don't really. Doesn't mean I love my friends any less, but there are things I don't ever talk about.

And don't underestimate the effect a drinking problem can have on your attitude to others drinking. My dh has had in the past a tendency to drink to excess and a propensity to alcoholism (family precedent). If he drank in the way you described at lunchtime with one of my friends it would make me exceptionally anxious.

She doesn't like you. So why be friends with her?

Of course I like her!

The remark about children was semi-jokey and I know from threads on here that many parents feel the same way. Children can be very demanding but you cope because you love them so much and they bring such joy. But we've all seen the toddler tantrums in the supermarket etc and felt a bit sorry for the parents. That's all I meant, nothing more sinister.

It may be relevant that other uni friends haven't seen her for a while either.

The bones of the situation is that you went out and got drunk with your friends partner and you both bitched about her. He's obviously told her. I'd be pissed off too.

Sorry OP but even if not done with malicious intent you actively joined in a negative conversation about your 'friend' with her DH. I'd be peed off too. And you haven't been nice about her on this thread so can't see why you think you should still be friends.

I can understand why she is upset too. From the comments made about your job and you working out of home it sounds like her husband has repeated some of the conversation you had about his issues with her working away from home. You don't seem to like it that she has expressed an opinion on your working arrangements, and what she thinks you should or shouldn't be doing and any impact on your family. I think she probably feels exactly the same way about you discussing her working patterns with her DH and the impact it's having on their relationship. I think the comments about you WOH were a bit of a taste of your own medicine tbh.

I would be very hurt if my friend and my partner discussed me behind my back in the way you say you did.

I won't maintain a close friendship with someone who never confides in me. Especially if they effectively play 20 questions to find out lots of details about you. I can't trust them, because they aren't letting me know enough about themselves in order for me to feel i know them well. I keep the friendship at friendly, but not close. Otherwise there's a power imbalance which is not how friendshios shoukd work.

Test it, if she asks you personal questions about something, reciprocate - ask her directly about something personal about her.

You've overstepped the normal inter-personal boundaries and dissected her character with her husband, without her being present. Obviously you've offended her. Most people would be!

You honestly can't see this? You have further dissected her character on here in tiny detail and come up with her having children as a reason for what you appear to see as character flaws. Can you imagine if someone did the same to you? No wonder she "doesn't open up to you", if its likely to result in a psychological critique of her every action and attitude! I'd mortified and deeply embarrassed if I thought a friend had discussed my character like this on a mass media forum.

I think she must be a very decent person actually, to still be on speaking terms with you. You sound a bit tedious company - I'd be scared of making a wrong move or saying anything out of place if you were around.

And 3 hours boozing is not just lunch.

Can't you possibly teach yourself to not comment on people's characters, and to respect inter-personal boundaries?