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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about them sharing a room?

69 replies

playtoad · 28/10/2015 17:13

Looking for opinions pls :)

I live in a 5 bed house with my 2 teens, who each have a largeish double room. With that and my room, there are 2 other rooms, one a reasonable double - about 10x 10 I think, and a single about 6x 9.

At the moment I've got a spare bed for guests (and not much else) in the smallest room, and the larger room is a home office cum general room, I sort laundry in there, store stuff (presents bought early), all sorts really.

I'm in a relationship with a man with 2 DC (different sexes) who he has 2 days/ nights a week. We plan to move in together next year, as a lead up to that we think his DC need to get used to spending more time and staying over at my house.

So I need to find them somewhere to sleep.

I was thinking in the short term of sorting out my larger room and putting 2 beds in there for them. However they are different sexes so I don't know if people think that's ok? (they are 6 and 9, btw). I was thinking if I do that, then I can use the little room as an office etc.

Longer term though, assuming all goes well and OH moves in properly, I'm assuming I'd have to give up my office so they could have their own rooms?

OP posts:

mungo8 · 28/10/2015 22:19

Biggest room guest room as well as bedroom for one of the children with a office in a wardrobe and small bedroom as bedroom for the other child if it only for a couple of nights a week xx

slithytove · 28/10/2015 22:39

Have to say it doesn't sound good.

Will the rental for his house be paying his mortgage for him while you pay yours alone?

LaLyra · 28/10/2015 22:49

Surely longer term they can bring their furniture from his house to yours? So if it's a very short term 'staying over' then a foldaway bed or something will do. Then when they move in the moving of the furniture and decorating is the way to make it "their" space?

Cheby · 28/10/2015 23:04

left I can't speak for OP's DD, but I 'tolerated a strange man' in my house because I wanted my mum to be happy, and because I got to know him and he became part of our family, and while I don't consider him a father to me he is an excellent grandfather to my DD, he gets on well with my DH and I enjoy his company.

Blending families can be tricky, but if everyone takes things slowly and considers the feelings of all involved, it can work and work well.

Epilepsyhelp · 28/10/2015 23:17

Alarm bells too at the fact that he would expect you to pay for beds and decorate?! This should be a joint expense for you both at most, really he should pay.

I also hope he'll be contributing to your bills and paying some rent (not contributing to mortgage) when he moves in with you rather than just have his own investment growing.

As for your actual question (!) I think they're absolutely fine to share for now and I would definitely want to maintain some flexibility in the rooms for the five out of seven days a week they aren't in them - double bed in the big one to double as a guest room and a desk you can use in one of them. I don't think the feeling of being welcome or otherwise comes from whether or not you share a room. If they're part of the family then it's ok to consider all the family needs, not blindly pretend they're there seven days a week.

hesterton · 29/10/2015 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marilynsbigsister · 29/10/2015 07:37

I think it's sad though, that this is perceived as "normal"
.And just because it's common, doesn't make it right.

Really ? So women or men with children from a previous relationship are 'wrong' to plan to live together ? Get a grip

OP you sound lovely and are really taking your time to be sure this is the right set up for you, your dcs and dp and kids.

Just to give you the heads up in case you don't already know that there is a perceived wisdom on MN from a certain element that unless you 'the step-mother' immediately treat your dp's children absolutely equal in every way to your dcs from the moment they are mentioned, then you are wicked and heartless.

Back in the real world of blended families, whilst you still have separate households, your partners dcs ARE guests therefore putting them in the bigger room to share is more than acceptable. They will probably bring a bag of stuff which will leave with them, returning your room to you when they aren't there.
Once your dp moves in, they can still share a room if they are only there 2 days a fortnight but now they will have their actual bedroom with their stuff in it,so you should move your office into the spare room. That however is a way off yet, as is separate bedrooms when they reach puberty.
I do not subscribe to the view that having to share a bedroom 2 nights a fortnight is going to lead to long term psychological disturbance. Children are extremely adaptable. Your dcs have their own bedroom as your dp's have - at their mothers where they live. To pretend that children live with their dp when they visit 2 days a fortnight is just an absolute nonsense. This doesn't mean that they shouldn't be made to feel absolutely welcome but does not mean you should turn your home on its head leaving 2 of your bedrooms that you currently use, empty 12 days a fortnight for children who live elsewhere.

throwingpebbles · 29/10/2015 08:21

left get a grip. Seriously. You have no idea about any aspect of OPs life other than what she has posted about sorting out room shares for the short term

I left my ex H because he was incredibly abusive. My children have welcomed my new partner with open arms, my boy always asks when he will get back from work. I grew up in a nuclear family but am now learning that there are all kinds of different "normal".

op what does your OH think about what the best sleeping arrangements would be for this interim period? I think you are doing the right thing having occasional "sleepovers" while you all get used to each other by the way it will help you work out what will work long term. We have been doing sleepovers with a view to DP moving in properly in due course and our kids all just share one room together for those nights as they think it is a great adventure

rainbowstardrops · 29/10/2015 09:30

I too think that you are right to blend your families gradually. Very sensible.
Having to blend families obviously isn't ideal and isn't what you'd wish for when you first have children but it happens. I am honestly at the people who are slating you.
Oh to live in a perfect bubble.

LizzieMacQueen · 29/10/2015 09:40

If you have a 5 bedroom house with all bedrooms upstairs is there no space downstairs for a home office?

iamanintrovert · 29/10/2015 09:58

Could they share the existing guest bed for now? Then you wouldn't have to change anything until you're sure that the move is going ahead.

FinallyHere · 29/10/2015 10:55

Wow, regardless of the final arrangements, the idea that you don't want to ask the two new children what they want because you suspect that the outcome will be inconvenient for you speaks volumes. As does your own DC's views that so long as they are not inconvenienced in any way, they don't mind what happens.

I understand the principles, but my heart goes out to the two new children. Would it really be so difficult to ask them what they would prefer, maybe for the long term and ask them whether they can live with whatever short term arrangement you are planning? Or are they to always be expected just to put up with what you decide, with least inconvenience to yourself?

As for the financials, if your partner ally thinks its up to you to finance any changes for his children, in the absence of any other context, well, words fail me.

SusanIvanova · 29/10/2015 11:58

Oh for Christ's sake, this devolved into ridiculousness quicker than I expected. OP your plan to have them share for now is absolutely fine. MN tends to lose its mind over stepchildren being treated like normal children and not the delicate porcelain they so clearly are

YANBU OP, as long as the kids get comfortable in your home and the bedroom situation remains under review it's fine. Your partner needs to be the one that provides for his children though, furniture etc needs to come from him.

Oh and there's nothing wrong with your children wanting to maintain their private space. They are teenagers. If this thread were about your own kids and not stepchildren then no one would be critical of them wanting their own space. However AIBU in particular has this strange idea that all things must be shared all the time with stepchildren and resident children are evil and selfish if they want some space.

yankeecandle4 · 29/10/2015 13:27

I think for now the sharing arrangement is fine OP. Obviously long term if your house becomes their fathers house and by default theirs then you will need to rethink.

OP head over to step families board to see how difficult this issue may become and the resentment that unfortunately follows before officially blending your family all the best!

ILiveAtTheBeach · 29/10/2015 17:16

What you're suggesting is absolutely fine. It might become an issue when they're older, but for now it's perfectly ok. My kids (one girl, one boy) still have to share a room at their grandparents when we visit, and they are 17 and 18 years old. There's no choice, it's a small 3 bed house. They just change in the bathroom and obviously wear pyjamas that cover everything up. They have also had to share sometimes on holidays.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 29/10/2015 17:55

Left Not everyone has perfect lives (like you). Relationships end. People have a right to move on. My ExH cheated on me with 10 diff women. That's the ones I know of! I found out after the event of course. Despite having DC's, I had every right to leave. I was lucky and fell in love again and remarried, so yes the kids, me and new DH all lived together. These things don't happen overnight, so there's no "strange man" living in the house. I sincerely hope you are never in a nightmare scenario where your life blows up in your face (relationship wise). If it does, you may well change your view point and see that you do deserve to be happy and to move on or you could of course become a Nun

expatinscotland · 29/10/2015 18:08

'I think OH probably feels as it's my house, it's up to me to pay for the extra bed(s) and decorating.'

Why are my alarm bells ringing here?

Bimblywibble · 29/10/2015 18:10

Sharing for now is fine, and redecorating is completely unnecessary.

I think you should get bunk beds that can be separated, so you have freedom of options for the future.

In the longer term, the ideal would be office with lockable drawers and a bed, so that room can be your office normally but also an occasional bedroom, and the children of different sexes get some privacy when the 9 year old needs it. Decorating is a red herring.

yankeecandle4 · 29/10/2015 20:37

*'I think OH probably feels as it's my house, it's up to me to pay for the extra bed(s) and decorating.'

Why are my alarm bells ringing here?*

Step parent board is full of women whose DP's have such assumptions. Please OP keep the arrangement as informal until you are 110% sure that you want to blend the two families; thereby dramatically changing not only your life, but your childrens.

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