about them sharing a room?

[playtoad]

Looking for opinions pls :)

I live in a 5 bed house with my 2 teens, who each have a largeish double room. With that and my room, there are 2 other rooms, one a reasonable double - about 10x 10 I think, and a single about 6x 9.

At the moment I've got a spare bed for guests (and not much else) in the smallest room, and the larger room is a home office cum general room, I sort laundry in there, store stuff (presents bought early), all sorts really.

I'm in a relationship with a man with 2 DC (different sexes) who he has 2 days/ nights a week. We plan to move in together next year, as a lead up to that we think his DC need to get used to spending more time and staying over at my house.

So I need to find them somewhere to sleep.

I was thinking in the short term of sorting out my larger room and putting 2 beds in there for them. However they are different sexes so I don't know if people think that's ok? (they are 6 and 9, btw). I was thinking if I do that, then I can use the little room as an office etc.

Longer term though, assuming all goes well and OH moves in properly, I'm assuming I'd have to give up my office so they could have their own rooms?

I don't think you're being selfish, it's your house and your space, you have your own DCs to consider as well; to ask occasional overnight guests from the same family to share a room is really not unreasonable if it's the easiest solution for you.
BTW, what happens with your DCs when you stay over at his?
Perhaps your house is not really big enough for all of you to live in it together in the longer term, especially as the DCs grow up, and as you're used to having a fair bit of space. How big is the DP's place?

Ah sorry, missed this. Are you planning on moving him into your house? I think that makes a difference.

Personally, I would give them the larger room to share and use the smaller room as your office/laundry room. They don't need to have their own rooms if they only stay there a couple of nights a week.

I don't think you need to decorate at all yet, just an extra bed in your office room would be fine. When I was in this position I explained to my then-boyfriend's children that I needed them to tidy up before they went back to their mum's as I had to dry laundry in that room when they weren't there. They were perfectly happy with that.

I think it's best to save decorating until they're properly moving in, they their father can help pay for making their rooms properly homely for them (and most of the furnishings could presumably be brought from their existing rooms at his). For now you just need a second guest room.

Or they could certainly share at those ages, but if they don't do this anywhere perhaps it would be best not to make them do so at yours.

If you already know they would choose not to share, YABU to make them.

Isn't there enough for them to deal with having to spend their contact time with their dad in someone else's house with three people who aren't their family?

Wouldn't it be better for future family relationships if you did your best now to accommodate them in a way that makes them feel most comfortable? You do want them to be happy to come to yours, I assume? It isn't going to help anyone if they start telling your OH that they aren't comfortable in your home and would rather keep contact to his.

You don't need to decorate or buy two beds. Let one of them use your current spare and make space for a single bed in the larger room.

Sharing a room is fine OP. Absolutely fine. Just go for it. I speak as someone who stayed at my Dad's once a week as a teen. I shared with my sister and/or bunked in with my step sister.

It never bothered me that we didn't have our own rooms or keep our things there (in fact I chose not to). My step siblings were there 24/7, it was their primary home, and my home was with my mum, so it just made sense that we shared. I still felt welcome, in fact I still do now I'm in my 30s.

I'm not going to comment on individual family arrangements, but just want to say I think its a waste turning a 5 bedroom house into a 4 bedroom one because you want to store stuff. Doesn't your house have any cupboards? Its such a waste of a bedroom.

If it is your own home, as opposed to rented/housing benefit/housing association, there is no obligation to room children of different sexes separately. We have 4 dd, 2 of each, who have to share a room in our owned 2 bed house. We are not in a position to move due to being screwed over by builder and Estate agent massive negative equity and are not a priority for social housing as we have a roof over our heads.

That said, if they are spending, what, 1-2 nights maybe every fortnight, I'd not bother with separate rooms yet. By all means, have space which they can utilise as they wish for playing and so on. But actually, they are guests in your home as your oh has a home which is his and theirs. for now I'd say the guest room would be fine. It can be 'their' room with single beds that can be pushed together for a double when you have other guests staying. I can't imagine they would want their belongings scattered over 3 homes so expect they'll still be bringing an overnight bag for now. Anything which gets left can be stored in the guest room until they need it back.

We stayed at friends with our kids so regularly at one point, we had toiletries, blow up mattresses and bedding for the kids stored in under bed boxes. It was out of their way and they could use their guest rooms for other guests. But we didn't have to lug it back and forth every time we stayed there.

When you get your own home together, then you need to consider whether you need a 5 bed or bigger house. Or a massive garden which can house your office/summerhouse at the bottom.

Me and my DC haven't stayed at OHs house. I've stayed there on my own, but not with them. His is only a 3 bed house anyway - his room and one for each of his DC.

I think for now while they're staying over a bed each in the bigger room would do, I'll put everything else in the smaller room.

Yes, OP, why is he moving into yours? Are you putting him on the mortgage/deeds? What about his current place?

YY to the PP who said it's a shame these 2 kids are spending their father contact time in someone else's family house. Talk about being moved from pillar to post. Do they walk around with suitcases permanently what with mum's house, dad's house and now yours?

How do your children feel about other kids in their home?

Imho parents should wait til kids grow up before moving boyfriend and girlfriends in.

Also you don't have to have beds permanently up, murphy beds or pull down beds mean the space is available where the bed would usually be.

This is more for the long term solution.

Like this

Don't redecorate yet. Get A few posters of their fav characters, get dp to bring over their special bedding. Have a chat that when dp moves in permanently they can help u decorate their own space (shared or not).

Yes be a bit of getting used to not having a spare room as such but you can always have office stuff in a big cupboard in the room making it multi purpose

Yes, I'm only expecting them to bring an overnight bag at most at this stage, so they won't need lots of room, even at OHs they don't have lots of toys etc as most of their stuff is at their mums as they spend most of their time there.

We're planning to live here together. There aren't many bigger houses locally, its mostly 3 bed semis, I think we'd struggle to get anything with more bedrooms short of buying some massive (and massively expensive!) old house. I might just have to give up a separate office long term.

Dull practical note - get bunk beds that can be split into 2 singles - then when/if you need to give them separate rooms you don't have to go and buy anything new bed-wise.

He's not moving in yet. When he does I won't be putting him on deeds - he owns his house and I expect will rent it out once we live together.

As for it being a shame the DC have to spend time here well atm they don't do that, but we're planning to start, hence asking about them sharing a room. Because we want them to get used to coming here, and be sure it works for us all, before they move in properly.

What's the alternative to them coming here? That they spend all their contact time at OHs, and then we suddenly spring a move on them out of the blue?!

I think expecting people to live separately until all DC have left home is bloody ridiculous. I'm certainly not waiting another 12 years.

What does your DH think?

Is your DH planning on increasing the amount of time he sees his kids or are his times going to continue the way they are?

Is there a reason you are only thinking 'short term'. They can't really share a room indefinitely so might you as well sort it out now rather than later.

I think if you want the kids to feel part of the family and not visitors it would be best if they had they own bedroom.

Are the kids going to be aware that it's your house and not yours and your DHs?

It's fine, they have separate rooms at their mums and dads. They are only staying at yours occasionally so don't need their own rooms yet.

OP - get legal advice re him moving in. Are you planning to marry? This area is a minefield.

You didn't answer re what YOUR children think about it all.

I would have hated to have 3 "homes" as a child. Especially after my parents splitting up. Poor kids. No stability. Imagine carting all your school stuff all over the place.

If my DParents had put their lovelife before me I would have gone NC.

I think (if his DC get along with one another) they may even be happier sharing at first, in a strange house/ new set up etc.

My 10yo girl and 8 yo boy (and their 4.5 yo brother) choose to share a room on most Friday and Saturday nights, and during school holidays (they are not allowed on school nights as they keep each other awake and all get up when the youngest wakes at 5am, where normally the older two would get a precious extra 45 mins and the youngest wake me instead...).

At my in-laws the older 2 share and the youngest either shares too or sleeps in his grandparents' room, as they only have the one spare bedroom because the other two rooms that used to be bedrooms are full to bursting with junk, but that's their prerogative and they still love staying over there in school holidays.

Your DP is being an UR nob to expect you to fork out for beds/room decoration for his children. He should be happy you are willing to give up the space to accommodate them and should foot the bill himself. His incredibly selfish attitude is what you should be concered with.

However you act as if these children are simply and inconvenience and I don't believe that in a 5 bed house you don't have any room for an office/PC desk anywhere else.

Oh has no plans to change his current contact arrangements. So its likely to carry on at 2 nights for the foreseeable.

I'm just looking at the short term because that's the immediate issue. Short term I need to make a space sp they can sleep over. Longer term they need proper rooms.

I've discussed it with my DC. They're not bothered so long as they keep their current rooms and those rooms are 'off-limits' which I think is fair.

We have no plans to marry. There are no legal issues as he'll be keeping his house, and this will stay as mine.

And his DC won't be having 3 homes. They'll do some sleepovers here. Eventually this will be their home in place of their dad's house.

That's pretty normal in a lot of families I know, and more complex where there are then more DC from the new relationship (we're not intending on any more I should say).

Don't let him contribute to the mortgage then, OP.

I think it's sad though, that this is perceived as "normal".

And just because it's common, doesn't make it right.

Do you have a daughter, OP? Why should she put up with a strange man in her home?

Doubtless of course, you'll say your DD (if you have one) LUFFS your DP and can't wait for him to move in.

It's not natural tho, imho.

Its perfectly normal.