To not be interested in BIL's OW and think my MIL is being unfair on ex-SIL?

[MtnBikeChick]

I can't work out if my feelings about a situation are unreasonable or normal.

My husband has never been close to his brother or the rest of this family. His brother has been very unkind to my OH in the past and I saw the repercussions of that (hurt, mainly). The brother had an affair 3 years ago and left his wife (my SIL) when she was pregnant. I am godparent to their two children. He moved in with the OW quite quickly (she had another child from previous marriage). BIL abnd SIL are now divorced (less than a year) and BIL has a daughter with OW. Family relations are fairly tense but main situation is that MIL has becme very close to OW. SIL was very hurt by MIL behaviour after the separation and affair (having OW to stay in her house before they were divorced, etc), and I have a lot of sympathy for how she feels. As a result, ex-SIL and MIL no longer speak or communicate (there has been lots of 'blocking' on facebook, etc (life without facebook would be simpler!)

I have actively avoided meeting OW and her kids. We don't see BIL often anyway, and I have no interest in meeting this woman. I ensure my kids see their cousins via my ex-SIL and that is that. I don't want to become pally with the OW. For me it is too soon. I know that soon enough they will probably decide to get married (sigh...) and I am not sure what I will do about that. Maybe they will do something small anyway. Ex-SIL is still very hurt, angry and raw about it all and I really do feel for her. My OH couldn't give two hoots and travels constantly with work so any arrangements with his family are made by me.

Am I unreasonable?

*until not thrill

Very similar situation in our family, but DH did want to continue his relationship with his DB, so we have had to include his new W (SIL2) and her children. Unfortunately, this made SIL1 feel excluded, and we have had no contact with her or 2 DNephews for a while. I would prefer to keep a relationship with SIL1 and not bother with SIL2, but don't think she would permit her DH (BIL) to maintain a relationship with us if she knew we were in contact with the ex - previously her best friend.

I have been the DIL in this situation - down to being pregnant when the ex walked out. My ex's family never contacted me again - it's been 7 years silence! He had the affair, but of course, I have no idea whatsoever what he may have told them about our marriage and it may well be the case that they believe I am a terrible person. Who knows sure as hell don't care My only upset about it is that they didn't acknowledge the death of my dad (which was within days of the ex walking out) and then later, the birth of the baby. It wouldn't have killed them to put a sympathy card through the letterbox or send some kind of congratulations when the baby was born.

I did once bump into my sister-in-law in the supermarket and she was polite but distant. I suppose from their point of view, my ex is their family, not me, so there was no need to maintain a relationship with me. They were probably a little embarressed and I know my ex had the OW in there like a shot, presumably to make it clear where his loyalties lay, and they probably didn't want to have to answer questions or just feel 'funny' around me. I also have to say that as my SIL remained 'family', I am not sure if I would have trusted her 100% so whilst in the OP's situation, she may be grateful for support (particularly in the early days), she may eventually back off naturally. I can't really envisage that in the long term, I could have remained friendly with the ex's family, although I never relied on them for help with the children or anything else either.

It is, of course, not the baby's fault but if you have acknowledge his birth and that acknowledgement has been ignored then you have more than done your bit, in my opinion. Manners cost nothing - recognising that you are coming from a difficult place and that you have divided family loyalties should be enough to keep BIL and the OW...I don't know, humble? By acknowledging the baby you were reaching out and they have chosen to ignore that. Continue to acknowlege the child's birthdays, Xmas etc. in the same way you do for other children of the family and you are doing your bit. You are under no obligation to offer this woman friendship and can maintain a distance without being rude about it.

YANBU to be loyal to your friend. Nor is your OH unreasonable to want minimal contact since BIL has been so shit. Your MIL is being unreasonable there.

MIL is probably overcompensating from yours and others lack of caring about BIL?OWs relationship, plus she wouldn't turn away her own grandchild and its mother. SINBU to play happy families if she wants to, SIBU to expect you both too.

Send the baby a card/gifts but remain polite but distant. Taking out what's happened with your SIL, it sounds like BIL is a twat anyway and your OH could go NC if he wanted again, so BIL should be glad for what he gets.

Your MIL doesn't sound like a bad woman from what you've said here.

Just a woman who has been caught in the crossfire of her son's behaviour.

I can understand why your MIL would side with her son rather than her exDIL, even if that son is selfish and manipulative.

She has her grandchildren to think of, the one he has had with his new partner and the two he has with his now exWife.

He sounds the type to cut her out of his life and the lives of his children if it suits him, and there's no guarantee that your SIL would allow her to see her children either.

So by siding with BIL and welcoming his new partner, MIL has ensured she keeps contact with her son and all of her grandchildren fathered by him.

I don't think she can be blamed for that.

She's wrong to be pushing you to make a relationship with him and his new family, but I think the nature of these types of relationship means the most reasonable people (you and your DH as opposed to BIL) get asked to give the most, often to make life easier for the person stuck in the middle (MIL).

Your BIL may not be that bothered about seeing you and your DH, but is he the type to play the victim just for the sake of it to MIL, saying you have sided with his exWife etc?

In these situations I think family members would be best to say out of it. We are no contact with my PILs and several family members have taken it upon themselves to try and fix things or intervene or take sides or judge. I wish they would stay out of it, because it never helps. People know their own minds and make their own decisions. And they never seem to know the full story either.

I can understand your SIL being hurt too, your BIL and his new partner have behaved appallingly towards her and her children, and it must hurt to see MIL welcoming them.

I would be honest with both your MIL and SIL. Tell MIL that you and your DH in particular will arrange contact or not in your own time. And tell SIL that although you are not happy about it, at some point in the future you are probably going to meet this woman, if not through your own choice then at some occasion or other of MIL's, but reassure her that you are on her side and won't be happy about it and won't be any friendlier than you have to be for the sake of politeness. Tell her how much you value your relationship and friendship with her.

I think your DH's relationship with his brother is important here. It sounds like they defo couldn't be considered 'close' in any way, shape or form. Had you and your ex SIL not developed a friendship independent of the brothers' relationship then it's likely they wouldn't have seen much of their respective kids anyway.

If you and SIL are actively maintaining contact now they've split but he decides BIL can't be arsed keeping 'in' with your DH, then it's his own bloody fault that no-one's breaking their necks to invite him, his new partner and their kids to stay. He's probably not that bothered either; he's unlikely to miss the connection, due to the way he's treated his brother previously, so the only benefit to him would be that it would give the new relationship an air of legitimacy. That's probably MIL's ultimate goal, smooth things over so we can pretend all that unpleasantness never happened and she could put it to the back of her mind that she's raised a bellend.

MILs behaviour was to be expected. My xFIL was full of how disgusted he was with xh's relationship with the OW and how he wouldn't give them house room. Move on a couple of months (before the divorce paperwork was even started) and they were all plastering happy family pics of them, xh, dd and OW all over Facebook.

It killed my relationship with them. I would maintain your friendship with sil. Who knows how long bil's OW will be on the scene? He could leave her too.

YY to Craic's final paragraph. Pretending her ds has never been less than perfect is highly likely to be the case.

Yes. I have heard a lot of "no one really knows what went on in their marriage so we can't judge". Hmmmmm

Frankly, if it were one of my boys I would really hope I would have the strength to say "you know what, this is really soon, are you sure this is a good idea?"

My parents did this (I ended the marriage but didn't have an affair). They supported my ex (who had a breakdown) at the expense of their support to me.

Ive had no contact with them for 5 years. My ex has remarried and sees my parents regularly with his DW. My DH has never met them.

Bikechick I had that from xILs too. They knew exactly what went on but it was easier to ignore it and claim amnesia/ignorance

I'm surprised people think MIL's behaviour is OK - slagging off your ex-DIL for not moving on when your son has crashed her life to get in with the new one is low and the mark of an uncaring callous person. I agree with being neutral, non-judgmental and keeping lines open to see all your GC, of course, but she's behaving differently than that, in campaigning for BIL and bad-talking the ex-DIL and I would judge her for that. I don't think that is necessary or helpful.

yes it's the 'it's all a bit inconvenient for me to have to make any moral judgments so I'm going to equivocate and pretend there is no right and wrong here'. Hate that kind of thing, it allows people to act shabbily and think they can still claim the moral high ground.

""MIL rings OW for chats several times a week""

No she doesn't, she rings her current DIL and Mother of her GD, several times a week.

I don't agree with cheating, but if your marriage is over, it's best to split, even if there is a baby. It's best for the baby, rather than Daddy leaving when they're three (and them living with what's often described on here, when a couple don't even like each other anymore).

They should of waited before a pregnancy, ideally, but we don't know if that was for medical reasons.

The MIL is thinking ahead, all of her GC are half siblings and it will probably be MIL that will help with that sibling relationship, in the future.

It sounds as though she doing what she can for her GC and that is at odds with what the exSIL wants.

I've had a massive argument this week with my Son In Law because he expects me to get over involved when two of my adult DD are arguing, they're adults, they should be capable of sorting their own shit out.

You get to around 50 and you do your best for as little stress as possible, it makes you actually I'll as you get older.

It's very soon to be meeting her other children etc, but in the future when the all the children want to meet up, you may have to have a complete turn around.

The SIL could get another partner with children and/or distance herself from her children's side of the family, anyway.

You learn when you get older that things are competing different a couple of years later, it isn't worth having major fall outs and fights.

Tell people your opinion, but then draw a line under it.

Birds that is extremely good advice.

There is never an excuse for cheating, he should have left first and made a clean break before pursuing his feeling for another.

However, no parent would force their child to stay in a relationship where they weren't happy. Life is too short. It needs a lot of work on both sides to co parent after a split but it can be done.

His ex is no relation to his mum but he will always be her son, so of course she's going to choose him as such.

of course MIL is going to 'choose him' but her son left his wife when she was pregnant with their child - imagine the effect of the stress. If my son or daughter did this I'd be ashamed of having brought up a person that thought that was OK and not slagging off my ex-DIL at any point. this isn't just cheating, this is awful cruelty both to your ex-W and your own baby.