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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be interested in BIL's OW and think my MIL is being unfair on ex-SIL?

67 replies

MtnBikeChick · 28/10/2015 16:05

I can't work out if my feelings about a situation are unreasonable or normal.

My husband has never been close to his brother or the rest of this family. His brother has been very unkind to my OH in the past and I saw the repercussions of that (hurt, mainly). The brother had an affair 3 years ago and left his wife (my SIL) when she was pregnant. I am godparent to their two children. He moved in with the OW quite quickly (she had another child from previous marriage). BIL abnd SIL are now divorced (less than a year) and BIL has a daughter with OW. Family relations are fairly tense but main situation is that MIL has becme very close to OW. SIL was very hurt by MIL behaviour after the separation and affair (having OW to stay in her house before they were divorced, etc), and I have a lot of sympathy for how she feels. As a result, ex-SIL and MIL no longer speak or communicate (there has been lots of 'blocking' on facebook, etc (life without facebook would be simpler!)

I have actively avoided meeting OW and her kids. We don't see BIL often anyway, and I have no interest in meeting this woman. I ensure my kids see their cousins via my ex-SIL and that is that. I don't want to become pally with the OW. For me it is too soon. I know that soon enough they will probably decide to get married (sigh...) and I am not sure what I will do about that. Maybe they will do something small anyway. Ex-SIL is still very hurt, angry and raw about it all and I really do feel for her. My OH couldn't give two hoots and travels constantly with work so any arrangements with his family are made by me.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 28/10/2015 17:23

Who walked out on her grandchildren? I would be fucking raging if my son did that. What a hound.

I would be too. But I would be unwilling to cut my son and new grandchild out too.

Original poster
MtnBikeChick · 28/10/2015 17:34

We have not been invited. However it has been suggested that we should be showing more interest and inviting OW, new Baby and her existing kids to visit us. Errrrrr

OP posts:
Booyaka · 28/10/2015 17:45

YABU. I don't see what would be achieved by expecting your MIL to punish her son and his new partner.

I really don't see why it has to be an either or situation. You can still stay friends with your SIL without making a point of refusing to see or speak to the OW. If I was you I wouldn't go out of my way to see her or socialise with her, but I would be polite if I happened to run into her at family events and wouldn't be refusing to go places because she was there. It's possibly that she will be a member of your extended family for a long time, so you're going to cross paths with her sometime.

And TBH, whatever relationship your MIL does or doesn't have with OW is none of either SIL's or your business.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/10/2015 17:46

yanbu, at all

and

it seems unfair to me that you are taking nothing to do with the child who is also cousin to your dc

I do feel sorry for these affair babies, know of one recently and the family wont even acknowledge its Mum. Just feel like they get punished a bit!

Booyaka · 28/10/2015 17:47

And why do you seem to be lumping her kids in with this too? They've done nothing wrong. Seems a bit unfair to be lumping some innocent kids in too because of what their mother's done.

BitchPeas · 28/10/2015 17:49

Meh I'd treat ex SIL as your family from now on and have nothing to do with your BIL or MIL.

He obviously has the morals of an ally cat and she can't/won't see that so I wouldn't want either of them near my DCs! And as your DH isn't bothered I don't see why you need to bother?

Helmetbymidnight · 28/10/2015 17:52

I think if You were v close to BIL you might have to socialise a bit- as you're not, no, why should you?

InTheBox · 28/10/2015 17:54

Why couldn't your OH give "two hoots"?

cantucci01 · 28/10/2015 17:57

Of course whilst no-one wants to punish dc, it's weird having stilted events where none of the family are really talking to each other, what value is there in that? Your MIL is all over them and your BIL isn't close to your OH so what difference does it make if it compromises your principles? I agree with bitchpeas I'd treat ex-SIL as family although not advocating 'cutting off' bil etc.

Leelu6 · 28/10/2015 17:58

OP, your BIL sounds awful and the OW doesn't sound much better, having an affair with a married man who had a pregnant wife.

I think you are right to support your ex-SIL.

As you say, it's too soon, and there may come a time when you will have friendly relations with the OW, but at the moment it feels wrong for her to just step into your ex-SIL's shoes in her relationship with you, as she has done with your MIL.

fastdaytears · 28/10/2015 17:59

You're under no obligation to spend time with your BIL if he and your DH don't get on. Shame that your DC don't know about their new cousin but they're only little so not the end of the world.

It's not unreasonable for your MIL to have her son and his partner to stay though whether or not he was divorced, and of course she'll be excited about the new baby.

FifteenFortyNine · 28/10/2015 18:00

YANBU. Just keep contact to strict minimum. BIL doesn't sound like a good person, constantly hurting other people. MIL is probably exactly the same or at least an enabler. And as for the kids, I'm sure they have a lot of other family/friends etc, not seeing some relatives that often is hardly going to make a huge difference.

InTheBox · 28/10/2015 18:00

Just to add to that. I don't think YABU in the slightest. I hope there's a special place reserved in hell for OW and in your position I'd also not be interested in the OW.

But having said that, considering that you say your H has never been close to his bother or other family and all contact is arranged by you then you need to take a step back. You are too involved. Allow access to cousins as and when and support ex-SIL if you feel the need but take a step back from this.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 28/10/2015 18:08

I think that while you might not like the way BIL has conducted himself, at the end of the day, it's not really any of your business.

I don't think MIL has really done anything wrong or done things much differently to most mothers. You might not approve of your child's behaviour but that wouldn't stop you loving them or wanting to support them. (Well I know it wouldn't stop me, anyway)

I think it's great that you have remained friends with SIL and are able to support her but I would aim for friendly and neutral with BIL as well.

Backforthis · 28/10/2015 18:08

My Dad's brother did similar. He walked out on two small children straight to another women. They had a child a few years later. As far as I'm concerned, my Aunt is the woman he walked out on, he's a shit and I had enough cousins.

Original poster
MtnBikeChick · 28/10/2015 18:24

I am not actively ostracising the new baby. I haven't explained omit to my 6 year old as frankly he wouldn't get it and wouldn't care much at this point. My sister is pregnant right now and he sees her daily and still can't get his head round that! I will be sending a Xmas present to new baby. I don't plan to send presents to OW's children tho. Is that wrong?! We have never met them!

OP posts:
PegsPigs · 28/10/2015 18:29

This is very similar to my family with BIL being DB - no affair but he knew his now DW before he ended it with SIL...

I would feel empathy with exSIL so soon after breaking up AND with a new baby. Your BIL left her while pregnant which is just so low. BIL and OW sounded well suited without a moral compass between them. I wouldn't bother with OW if you don't want to but I think you're fighting a losing battle influencing your MIL. I would concentrate on the things you can control I.e. Your relationship with BIL and ask MIL to mind her own business.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2015 18:30

I really feel for you OP, you sound like a lovely SIL. In your position, I would take the same stand except I probably have different reasons as it was indeed my husband who left for OW. My MIL was amazingly supportive to me for nearly two years, she replaced my late Mum and as far as I am aware, has yet to meet the OW and was extremely scathing in her opinion of her. However, she has decided she no longer wants a relationship with me. It's a much longer story and while I was desperately hurt, I realise now it was the best thing in the long run. I don't need contact with my ex-h's family, they have chosen to step away from my children and that is their choice. We are better off without them. I hope your SIL will see that in the fullness of time. I feel so so sorry for her and can completely empathise with how she is feeling. It's been two years since my husband left, I have only been divorced a few weeks and know that there is a long road of recovery ahead. These twats have no idea how much pain they inflict, particularly on the children. Support your SIL, she needs you. Good luck Flowers

FelicityGubbins · 28/10/2015 18:32

Lots of people will tell you that blood is thicker than water and family means everything regardless of whether they are decent people or not...
Personally I only have people I like and care about in my life and don't bother with those I don't care for, even if they are family, I have no interest in forcing myself to play happy families for the sake of propriety.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 28/10/2015 18:32

To be fair, I'd have nothing to do with the brother in law or any of the people he shares house space with. If be quite happy to explain why to his mother too. Life's too short to share with cockwombles.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your sister in law, it seems like she's in need of the support :)

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 28/10/2015 18:37

Well, if they haven't even invited you, I'd just leave it. It doesn't sound like there is a decent relationship between you both and the BIL anyway. As ProcrastinatorGeneral said above, life's too short to entertain people you don't even like. Just let them get on with it, and if you run into them be as civil as you feel like being!

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/10/2015 18:46

It is up to you, but seems a bit naive to expect your MIL to choose her former daughter in law over her son. Perhaps she has criticised his actions privately.

He left his wife, he cheated on her, that's a bad thing. He didn't cheat on his children.

Original poster
MtnBikeChick · 28/10/2015 18:48

Thank you all for the points of view it is very helpful.

OP posts:
stoppingbywoods · 28/10/2015 18:55

Yes, I think you are reasonable to feel it's too soon. He did something very wrong and you're within your rights to have a moral problem with it, and him.

Eventually, when it would no longer be so hurtful to the person who has been hurt most, you will probably have to move on.

Castrovalva · 28/10/2015 18:55

However it has been suggested that we should be showing more interest and inviting OW, new Baby and her existing kids to visit us

Cool. You can pretend to Pass the buck to DH on this one then. 'Well I would invite them MIL but it's DH family, so I'll wait thrill he finds it convenient shall I?'

Not your problem anymore