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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to this wedding?

33 replies

themulberrybush1 · 28/10/2015 13:24

My DH's brother is getting married 4 weeks on Friday. It's an 8hr drive away and we're taking his uncle and mum in our car.

We have a 4 yo DD who's staying my sister while we're gone for 2 reasons. 1 being that she would be bored senseless as it's not really a family orientated wedding (booze orientated night before and no other kids going to the wedding) and we felt the drive would be too much for only going for 2 nights. And now, secondly, there's no room in the car as we're now taking the uncle.

I'm 6 months pregnant with severe back pain that I'm undergoing physio for. The drive down is not appealing for this reason.

I didn't really fancy it much due to the distance and now because I won't be able to soften the blow with alcohol! Grin

We found out at the weekend that when we get there the women and men are being split into two groups on the Thursday night so we're not even going to be spending any time together as soon as we arrive. I'd presumed we'd have a big family dinner since we don't see his brother often and I thought he would've liked to have spent the time with his mum and all of us before the wedding. So this means we'll get there then DH will be going off to the the pub and I'll be left with all the women in his family and the bride to be. This has tipped me over the edge tbh and I've been quite upset about it. I'm emotional anyway just now and in pain and I'm upset I won't be spending any time with DH practically the whole time as he'll be with his brother from the morning of the wedding until we get to the reception.

Additionally, I've been saving for a few months as I knew it would be expensive but now his mum has recently been made redundant and has no money so we're having to pay for her hotel, meals, drinks and everything when we're there. This is leaving us really tight with Christmas coming up , the baby and me going into mat pay.

If I don't go DH could share a room with his uncle which would be cheaper and obv less on meals etc for me anyway.

But I feel really guilty about not going, it's DH's brother wedding. There's been no question of me not going up until now.

Really looking for impartial advice please.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/10/2015 13:25

Oh you have the perfect reason not to go - you're pregnant, you have a bad back and you can't do the 8h drive. Job done, don't go.

ScarletRuby2 · 28/10/2015 13:27

I would just suck it up and go. The men and women being split up thing is my idea of hell, but I would go because it's a family thing.

However it seems on here that being pregnant gets you out of anything so there's your excuse if you really want one.

VimFuego101 · 28/10/2015 13:30

You would only be unreasonable if you told your DH he couldn't go either. Stay home and rest.

Bloomsberry · 28/10/2015 13:32

I think 'suck it up and go because its a family thing' is complete self-martyring nonsense. The OP's budget and bad back don't care whether it's a family thing or a trip to see edgy site-specific theatre made by penguins in Mordor. Though that sounds like way more fun than this wedding...

As is so often said on here, it's an invitation, not a summons. You're not preventing your FH attending a family occasion, and it's cheaper, easier , less painful (and a hell of a lot more fun for you) if you stay at home.

It sounds like a spectacularly weird wedding, anyway -why the sex segregation? What are the women doing while the men are in the pub???

Original poster
themulberrybush1 · 28/10/2015 13:33

Aaahh! It's just the guilt of not going. DH says he'd rather I was there but is totally okay with me not going. Tbh I think he'd have a better time without me there because I'll be miserable.

OP posts:
rageagainsttheBIL · 28/10/2015 13:34

Could you go via other transport? 8 hours in a car with a bad back - no thanks.

Original poster
themulberrybush1 · 28/10/2015 13:35

Fuck knows Blooms. I haven't the guts to ask! My DH thinks we'll be having a slumber party in our jammies giggling about boys Hmm

OP posts:
momb · 28/10/2015 13:37

Back out and do it now: then they can let the caterers know and there'll be nothing to pay/no backlash from the bride and groom.
Look after yourself and the baby that weekend instead of wearing yourself out.

Goodbetterbest · 28/10/2015 13:38

Just ditch it. If your DH doesn't mind, I'd stay at home with DD, feet up, crap telly and a massive bar of chocolate.

It does seem to be stacking up against you. Give yourself a break.

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 13:40

Stay home. Sounds a hideous thing to do when pregnant. Let them know asap though.

Inertia · 28/10/2015 13:41

Can your physiotherapist strongly recommend that you don't undertake this 8 hour drive?

Also, why are your MIL's costs not being shared among all of the siblings?

HackerFucker22 · 28/10/2015 13:41

Is there no other form of faster more comfortable transport you could take?

I loved being pregnant, got me out of a christening and a funeral (I joke. Kind of!!)

roaringfire · 28/10/2015 13:47

Why do you have to pay for the mum, what, she has no money at all, how was was she going to pay for attending her own son's wedding? The other son should pay if anything, you have a baby on the way.
That would piss me off, pregnant, paying for somebody else's drinks at a wedding.
Could you get the train?

expatinscotland · 28/10/2015 13:54

I'd back out now. Don't see why you have to pay for everything for your MIL.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2015 13:57

Don't go. Your DH is fine about it and your BiL will understand (or can Do One if he doesn't).

You can have a lovely weekend with your DD (or on your own, resting, if you can!)

And why can't your MiL's expenses be shared?

Original poster
themulberrybush1 · 28/10/2015 13:59

We've looked into other transport means but it was a lot more expensive and a complete faff with changing trains and then we'd need to hire a car at the other end due to location of the wedding so us driving is the best way.

In relation to paying for the DH's mum, that's a whole other thread... Yes, I think it should be split with his brother, the groom, but that's not been broached or offered and as much as I love DH he's a soft touch and doesn't like to rock the boat where his family's concerned.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 28/10/2015 14:00

Don't go. You have so many compelling reasons not to but I'd major on the excruciating back pain.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/10/2015 14:00

No really, don't go. You don't need to. Your DH says he understands, that's all you need to know - just have a nice time with your DD and sister, far better for you. :)

watchthebirdie · 28/10/2015 14:01

Bloomsberry:
"a trip to see edgy site-specific theatre made by penguins in Mordor. "

Sounds more fun than some family weddings to me! Grin

OP, don't go. The 'physio says I cant' thing would be good?

Don't see why you have to pay for the Mum's costs but if for some reason you do then if you stay home it cancels it out, iyswim?

LeaLeander · 28/10/2015 14:02

I wouldn't hesitate to cancel out. You can send some sort of good wishes to your husband's brother, maybe a handwritten note. The splitting of men and women sounds absurd and tedious, the drive would be torture and if you can save money you'll be well ahead. Eventually you'll see all the photos and no one will remember you weren't there a month from the wedding.

runlulurun · 28/10/2015 14:03

I think it rather depends on your DH's feelings. If you don't want to go and he is happy with that, then put your feet up at home :) If my DH really wanted me to go because it was a family thing I'd probably make the effort.

ursuslemonade · 28/10/2015 14:03

Well I wouldn't just "suck it up". I don't really believe in pregnant women being special delicate flowers from the date of conception (and I've only felt ok-ish between 3-6 months) but at 7 months and with a bad back you wouldn't be doing any favour for yourself by travelling 2x8 hours in a car.
Don't feel guilty.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/10/2015 14:06

Stay home. Your bad back and the 8-hour drive are perfectly good reasons - anyone who whines and says you ought to suffer a weekend of pain and tiredness because it's a wedding is a buckethead and can safely be ignored. Send BIL a nice card/letter/gift wishing him well and saying you're sorry you can't be there to see him married, then stop worrying about it. Your H is clearly sensible enough to accept your reasons.

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 28/10/2015 14:12

I agree with almost everyone above. Don't put yourself through it, and you have nothing to feel guilty about! While pregnancy doesn't make you incapable, excrutiating back pain does IMO! :)

PrimalLass · 28/10/2015 14:13

Don't go. There's no need.

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