To wonder why parents are so risk averse?

[gingerdad]

gu.com/p/4dah3/sbl

On my phone so not sure that link would work.

For me it frustrates me they my DDs friends are so risk averse. One example DD1 14 wanted to go to a city with friends for an event but none of her friends where allowed to go unless a parent went with them. Why? For me it's the next stage they've been to the local town on bus and train and proven they can be trusted.

Having seen this article we we as a country much more risk averse than ever before. Kids need to be allowed to push boundaries and get into at least a little danger / risk at times.

Me too Fartemis.

I've erred on the side of caution. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to one of my children that was due to a poor judgement of mine. I wouldn't let mine play out of sight at 8/9, way too young IMO.

And guess what-they are all well adjusted independent teenagers.

Just like the dc who were allowed to do riskier things. But without the worry. It's not a race, and I'm happy in my choice to keep my children safer.

I think the best thing to do, is to butt out of what other parents choose to do.

Complete agree with this

DD however has Type 1 Diabetes and I am not prepared to take any risks or let her out of my sight.

My DD has T1 too Gretchen and has just turned 9. It bloody terrifies me. We live in a small rural village and I'll let her walk up to the shop and back but I'm scared stiff about her going further up to the park. I know I need to let her do these things but I'm in no great hurry.

What if every other parent says yes then? Do you always go with the masses?
This happened with us recently, DD 15 wanted to camp out in a remote field with approx 25 other teens ages ranging from 14 to 19. There was alcohol and weed available.
Of the group of 5 I knew who were invited (DD and 4 friends.) 3 friends were allowed to go, one other friend said she was allowed but I don't know for definite.
Should I have gone against my gut instinct and let her go? I didn't. She went for 4 hours and was picked up by DH.

What Joy said.

Notso your post is spot on.

My eldest is only 7 but I listen to what my SIL has to say. She has a ds14 and a dd12. She too has had experiences where friends of the dc are not allowed up to the local park for a kick about in the summer holidays. But no problem with GTA and other 18 rated games. Some of my dniece's friends have to be escorted to and from cinema trips. But then have their own ipads which they use for instagram and Snapchat late into the night with no supervision.

Tis madness.

Ironically, stranger danger is actually near zero and it's organised activities with leaders that have a higher prevalence of abuse as relationships are built and alone time is possible. But it's still majorly, statistically unlikely that your child will be exploited/abused/hurt and the benefits of positive relationships with adults and other children, doing activities and exploration far, far outweigh the risks.

Notso

Gut instinct is good, as is finding a balance. I haven't had to decide on your question with my DD yet. But would want lots of facts and would speak directly to the parents before making a full decision. I think your response was a happy medium.

i wouldn't let mine play out of sight at 8/9, way too young IMO. Just like the dc who were allowed to do riskier things. But without the worry. It's not a race, and I'm happy in my choice to keep my children safer

Don't you think, though, that stopping our children from independent play to stop US worrying is fair?
Part of parenting is having to feel the pain of worry to allow our children to develop independence and gain experiences of their own?

I used to go into town at 11.

Town is now full of drunks, every afternoon. There are more pubs and betting a shops than anything else.

When I was 11 it was full of families. The centre has died on its arse. The only shops are debenhams, M&S and charity shops. Dd, now 11, wouldn't want to go anyway.

We went yesterday to get my eyes tested. It was awful. Had 4 people approach us, stinking of drink asking for a couple of quid as they had 'lost their bus fare'

I don't feel like a bad parent for not letting dd go there alone.

The problem is that you don't know why other people feel the way they do.

As I said many parents thought it odd we drop dd off at school everyday. The ones I speak to can see my point. Many who I don't know well enough to know where I live (dd is the pupil who lives furthest away) or think about the lack of lighting or foot path...probably think it's odd.

I couldn't care less. I won't make dd walk in the dark to school, in the mud with no path or street lighting so that other parents don't judge me.

If every single other parent said no, and you were the only one who said yes doesn't that suggest that it's your judgement that's off?

Nope. At 14, unless your child has learning or health difficulties, you are doing them no favours if you don't let them venture forth independently. There are plenty of children of that age and younger who are commuting to London schools on their own every day, some having journeys of an hour or even longer.

I am more bothered that the dickheads who seem not be able to drive down my street at less that 40 mile an hour (despite it being a 20mph zone) will hit a child.

But said dickheads will hit an 11 year old, or even an adult, just as easily as a 7 year old. Obviously no-one lets their child play out in busy roads whatever their age, but that isn't what OP is talking about.

I was having a conversation about something similar with a friend the other day. She was saying how her teens are about three years behind where she had been at their age in terms of relationships and emotional maturity, because we wrap them in cotton wool so much.

My DC have been allowed controlled freedom from a reasonably young age, but it was pretty engineered. They played out from age 8. They had short time in games workshop (overseen by the staff running the tournaments) while I was in the café next door. then they'd be let loose in town while I sat in a central café. By 11 they were going into town with friends, unattended, going out for lunch with friends in town etc. But these are quiet market towns. Not yet let them loose on London, but they are 13, so I want to do that soon. By 14, I think they should be confident to travel round central London without an adult during daylight hours.

Contained risk is very good for them. It gives them self confidence and self reliance. They'll need those at college.

Enjolrass I agree with you, it's not always family friendly in town. I let my dd aged 11 go out in town with her friends and a mobile in the day, but if I am honest, it does worry me. I am not at all convinced there is no 'stranger danger' as she is almost female adult size and as an adult female, I have been flashed at, groped, commented on (numerous times) and asked for money from people for drugs (well, obviously they don't say that but that's why they are agitated and a bit odd and asking for money for hostels/cars without petrol etc), again, numerous times. I have also been followed late at night twice in two different countries and had to run for it (including one taking refuge somewhere).

I am not concerned about the 'big stuff' of being abducted by a stranger, I get that the danger for sexual abuse is often those close to you, which is why I am not a fan of sleepovers having been approached at a sleepover aged 10 in an inappropriate way.

But, it's not true that strangers won't come up to you, or speak in an unpleasant way or scare you a bit!

I think it's more important to teach growing pre-teens and teens how to deal with this. I've told my children if they are on public transport or in a situation and they start to feel uncomfortable or someone starts acting in a way that seems odd or threatening, don't wait about to find out if they are dodgy, just move. Get off the train and get on the next carriage. Get out of the queue you are in and come back later. Completely trust your instincts on this one. The biggest risk for me is that I have two very compliant and polite girls who will just sit there if something nasty unfolds.

I really don't agree there are no risks and it is all in parents heads, but the answer isn't to never let your children out til they are really old.

I've read the article now and have to laugh. Trust the MP's to think the main risk of being 11 is all about not being allowed to light a camp-fire or play by a cliff. They appear stuck in a nostalgia for a 1950's childhood that is just ridiculously inappropriate.

The risks as I see them are fast cars on roads, more cars on roads, anti-social behaviour in cities and towns, sexual harassment drugs and drug users on the streets (a lot more than when I was a child), drugs and alcohol at parties, 'everyone' using weed, 'everyone' hooking up or having casual sex or girls in particular being pressured into sex acts, cyber-bullying, bullying in general, and of course all types of sexual abuse.

Having an 11 year old moving into the real adult world in the UK is a frightening thing for a parent. That report just makes me want to laugh, how many people live near streams and cliffs so their children can go around jumping off them unsupervised?!

Fgs I sat in a bush for 3 hours so my kids (8 and 6) could experience free play in a wood with their pals. An experience I do not recommend and would not repeat!

It's hard though. Went on a talk about play fascinating map showing circumference of how far the average 9 year old was able to go unaccompanied from home. In 1910 it was 6 miles! Then shunk as the years went by. Speaker put it down to traffic and media. Awful stuff always went on but now we all know about it.

HPSauciness - There was so much of that going on when we were teenage girls. We had to walk through a secluded park to get to school. there were flashers almost every day. That's no exaggeration. We were so blasé about it. We walked in a big gang and just laughed at them. Not saying that makes it OK. I'd be onto the police immediately if anyone exposed themselves to my DC. But we learned to cope with life's unpleasantness and dodgy people. It's a skill they all need to learn at some point. though, arguably, better learned when they are physically mature themselves and more capable of holding their own.

Mrs I completely agree and my pre-teen girls do play out at the park (where they have been asked if they do cocaine) and go into town (where they have been approached for money). I think the way forward is to give them confidence in dealing with these situations, particularly as females in relation to being harassed or just commented on on the streets.

I'm responding to the people who think 'stranger danger' is imaginary and that the main danger is sexual abuse of people you already know. It's true that risk of sexual abuse is higher with known people, but there are plenty of dangers on the streets and it's a bit disingenuous to suggest everyone is being neurotic thinking about it.

I agree with HP I too worry about my DD (14) when she is out, not about her sense of what is safe, but about the other people around her.

I choose what environments I feel are safe.

I have let her take a 6 hour train ride to an activity holiday on her own, get the tube into town with her friends. She now wants to go to a Fright Night at a theme park with just one other friend, this I do not feel is safe as it will be crowded and I do not think she has the maturity to deal with excitable teenage boys who could spot two young teens out on their own.

We choose what we feel is safe and what situations we have prepared them for. There is another thread about verbal abuse from men in the street, it made me realise that I need to make sure she is prepared and knows how to deal with that too.

If you are asking a genuine question, here's my theory.

We lived for thousands of years as early man, only a very/comparatively short time as modern humans as we now know it. Telecommunications are very very recent if you look at history as a whole. So to gauge danger in the past we had to listen to stories - the 'rule of one' - so if your neighbouring tribe had been eaten by a lion, you knew to look out for lions.

Now we have Internet and rolling news channels, we hear far far more stories of danger than we can cope with. Some of us have adjusted to this better than others. For some of us it is terrifying to think of the risks there are to our children who we love more than life itself, more than reason.

I was raised by pretty risk-averse parents and try to balance my fears with my kids' needs for independence. But go gently with those of us who can't so easily let go of our worst fears, especially where our children are concerned.

It annoys me too. DSs dad has helicopter parents that never let him do anything and as a result he is a man child who is afraid of everything

a man child who is afraid of everything
Do you have any examples Tali

One of the big differences now to in the past, and in the UK compared to other European countries, is blame.

If anything bad happens, even quite minor, someone must be blamed for it, someone is at fault. Children don't have accidents anymore, it is adult negligence. In other times and places, if an 8 year old fell off the climbing frame at the park at broke their arm it would have been an accident - if that happened here and now there would be cries of "where were the parents?", warnings that if social services heard about it it would be a child protection issue etc.

Similarly on the rare occasions when children are abducted by strangers there is a huge focus on the parents' negligence. I have seen parents (mothers) blamed even when children were taken from back gardens or in one case their own bathroom (why wasn't the mother supervising? Why did she leave the back door unlocked?).

Joy

He believed shutting his bedroom door at night would cause him to suffocate due to lack of oxygen

He still asks his parents for permission to do certain things

He has to text his mum to tell her he's "safe" after a train journey

He's afraid of wildlife in case he gets an infection

He thinks making eye contact with strangers will lead to him getting stabbed

He has no concept of money because his parents pay for everything he does

All those things were told to him by his parents. He is an adult man!

But said dickheads will hit an 11 year old, or even an adult, just as easily as a 7 year old. Obviously no-one lets their child play out in busy roads whatever their age, but that isn't what OP is talking about.

the op said speeding cars wouldn't stop her letting kids play out.

Also an 11year old should have more road sense and not run out after a ball without thinking etc

The op is talking about risk. I am talking about why I don't take certain risks that others do

FartemisOwl Sorry, I know it's massively judgy, but I can't help thinking if the parents gave a shit it might not have happened.

That's not "judgy", that's a fucking awful thing to say and you should be ashamed.