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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why parents are so risk averse?

82 replies

gingerdad · 28/10/2015 07:26

gu.com/p/4dah3/sbl

On my phone so not sure that link would work.

For me it frustrates me they my DDs friends are so risk averse. One example DD1 14 wanted to go to a city with friends for an event but none of her friends where allowed to go unless a parent went with them. Why? For me it's the next stage they've been to the local town on bus and train and proven they can be trusted.

Having seen this article we we as a country much more risk averse than ever before. Kids need to be allowed to push boundaries and get into at least a little danger / risk at times.

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 28/10/2015 08:13

I don't think the media plays a part in it so much, it's down to how the parent feels and thinks.

For some, they see no danger and let their children play out from age three alone, walk to school in infants alone elc whilst others are far more cautious and prefer to supervise until much older.

Children can learn independance in their teen years, when they are small children they need guidance and protection not being exposed to risks to see if they pass.

bettyberry · 28/10/2015 08:18

My 8yo isn't allowed to roam free but that's not down to me being fearful but his lack of understanding about risk. He still runs across a street without looking, will tell adults off for smoking but he does have issues with his social skills and other problems. He is not ready to play out without some form of supervision.

I just wish my arsey neighbours would understand this after calling me a bad parent because I wouldn't let him play out in a park where I have found fecking needles!!

I don't think I am being OTT because I would want to check the play park for syringes and broken glass and make sure they were dealt with right?? thankfully it has been clear of this sort of thing for 12mths now but I still want to check because locals smash glass bottles in the kids park for a 'laugh'.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 28/10/2015 08:24

As my two older children are on the autistic spectrum I am struggling with the issue of independence, when your 9 yo is emotionally immature and has a poor sense of danger let alone direction, it is difficult to know when they will be safe to go to the park on their own. The 11yo is too anxious to go out and requires a gentle build up of confidence. So I am probably the wrong person to ask about anxious parents - I would love my kids to go out with their friends.

I was going to gigs in London with my friends when I was 15, sometimes missing the last train and sleeping on benches outside the train station til morning. This was before ubiquitous mobile phones so I can only imagine what I put my parents through! Still they allowed me plenty of freedom to have fun and partake in some very risky behaviour...

Quiero · 28/10/2015 08:25

I agree that cars are the problem. There were nowhere near as many cars when I was growing up in the 80's. I also think it depends where you live.

I grew up in an estate with only one way in and out. We were allowed to play out from 3/4. My friend still lives in that estate and now there are cars parked up on all the pavements as nearly every family has at least two cars. Views of the road a totally obscured. It's still safer than where I live now but you couldn't let a 3 year old play out.

I live on a road which has a 20mph restriction that no one adheres to. Getting the kids in and out of the car is dangerous enough, I could never let my 4 year old play out on the street until I know she is old enough to never dash out into the road.

DS started going walking to school and going to the local park with friends in Year 5 so 9/10. Nothing to do with paedophiles, everything to do with his doziness and traffic!

Quiero · 28/10/2015 08:28

wonderpants Sad that's awful. Glad you and your DD are so resiliant.

DrDreReturns · 28/10/2015 08:28

When I was on a French exchange, I got a plane from France to Heathrow with my French friend, then we got a combination of Underground / trains to Ipswich, by ourselves. I must have been about 14. I couldn't see that happening today.
I think one of our jobs as parents is to teach our kids to be independent. To do this they do need to do things like going into towns / cities by themselves when the parent thinks they are mature enough. Otherwise they will suddenly find themselves adults but with no idea how to do things by themselves.

SplatterMustard · 28/10/2015 08:29

We live in a small village on the coast and are on a small road which hardly ever gets any cars down it, consequently the DCs have played outside from about 5 with adult supervision and about 7/8 without supervision. Both have climbed trees, swam in the sea, jumped off the harbour wall and all manner of things which others would consider to be irresponsible parenting but they have done it with the supervision and the skills to learn to assess danger for themselves. I see it as quite a healthy childhood but it's not been by accident, we moved here specifically so they could have that kind of childhood.

FartemisOwl · 28/10/2015 08:31

Getting my flame proof armour on here, but I have to say I'd rather be one of those parents that errs on the side of caution than the parent on the nine o clock news whose child has gone missing/been run over/murdered because they thought it was fine to let them go where they like on their own.
Anyone remember that 7 year old that went missing in Great Yarmouth around ten years ago? Parents let him bike around town on his own and they think he fell in the river, but to this day, nobody knows. Or another seven year old a few months ago that was walking two miles to the park on his own when it was getting dark. Sorry, I know it's massively judgy, but I can't help thinking if the parents gave a shit it might not have happened.

mommy2ash · 28/10/2015 08:32

For me I think communities have changed. When I grew up every second house had kids and the mums all knew each other. Us kids played out from an early age and there was always someone to look out for you. Yes there was risk but when you knew Mary down the road popped her head out every few minutes it was ok. Now where I live there are no other kids nearby, it's either elderly people who have lived here all their lives or young renters without kids. I only know two of my neighbours to see and don't even know their names. My dd has to have a more organised structured play time as we just don't live in a street like the one I grew up in

GretchenWeiners · 28/10/2015 08:33

My DD is almost 7 and we live on a street that has no road, it is just a patch of grass in the middle and then houses opposite us. If that makes sense.

On our street, children from the age of 3/4 are out on their own and parents rarely seen.

DD however has Type 1 Diabetes and I am not prepared to take any risks or let her out of my sight. I feel bad for her though when I'm stood watching her ride her bike up and down and the other kids are teasing her about it.

Still, I would probably be the same even without the diabetes. Most of the kids on this street could do with a closer eye on them!

BalthazarImpresario · 28/10/2015 08:34

Regarding the poster who said they need to have a little danger I don't think they meant serious danger but they are correct otherwise your child when 18 and at uni or living at from home will crumble at the first sign of anything untoward.

My dcs played out from 7 years, walked home alone from year 4 and had an area out of my sight that they were allowed to play in. Normal in my book.

JoySzasz · 28/10/2015 08:38

I think the best thing to do, is to butt out of what other parents choose to do.
We have these chats on MN regularly. Understandable as whatever we choose is close to our hearts,and makes interesting reading.
Thing is, it just makes posters come away from the thread feeling crap!
Some parents are comfortable with more freedoms, others (for what ever reason aren't)

Most adults learn how to use a map, bus, or whatever. Despite what they got up to/or didn't, at nine!

zzzzz · 28/10/2015 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gingerdad · 28/10/2015 08:48

agree have you read the article in my OP.

OP posts:
JoySzasz · 28/10/2015 08:50

Your link isn't working. ginger

zzzzz · 28/10/2015 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrDreReturns · 28/10/2015 08:54

Here you go:

gu.com/p/4dah3/sbl

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerdad · 28/10/2015 08:55

Is that better.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerdad · 28/10/2015 08:56

Thanks DrDre

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/10/2015 08:59

I loved the 70's roaming for hours nobody having a clue where I was out all daylight hours.

Spent most of them dripping petrol down a corrugated tin roof setting fire to it,the object of this game was to dodge the burning petrol, two people didn't quite achieve the goal ended up badly burnt.

I also had many happy hours getting very pissed indeed in pubs 30 miles away from where I actually lived usually whilst I was "staying at friends" and having adult men trying to shag me.

My mother was not at all risk adverse

Notso · 28/10/2015 09:05

I find a lot of DC2's friends parents have IMO quite skewed ideas about what is safe or not.
He has a group of 15 friends from primary.
The boys are all 11 and 12 now and only a handful are allowed to go to town/cinema/swimming without an adult.
Three are walked right into secondary school, several more are walked to the gate. Only two can walk home alone at 4 when after school stuff finishes.
There are three I can think of who are not allowed to go to local park 5 mins away without an adult.
Three are not allowed on school residentials.
Same three are not allowed to join scouts as activities are deemed unsafe.

However, most scoffed at me for still having DS in a high backed booster at 7.
10 of the 15 are allowed to watch and play 18 rated films and games.
Most of them are allowed pretty much unrestricted internet access in their rooms.
Most are on Facebook and judging by what they post are not monitored by their parents.

CalypsoLilt · 28/10/2015 09:05

If every single other parent said no, and you were the only one who said yes doesn't that suggest that it's your judgement that's off?

saucyjack your rationale is scary! very sheeple way of thinking....by the same rationale, if all the other parents jumped off a cliff, would you do the same?!

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” ? Mark Twain

bigmouthstrikesagain · 28/10/2015 09:06

Yep that talks about physical risk and rough and tumble supervised by parental units, not going out to play on their own/ with mates etc. Different issues. There is a link of course. The way society and communities are now it is more difficult to let the kids out for the day - the people I know who have kids out like the 'old days' live near park/ woods/ common land where kids congregate naturally. People are more socially isolated, live further from their friends, schools in cities will have children commuting in from a wide area so the days of playing with next doors kids are over for many. We have to make a new normal, instead of reaching for a golden past that never really existed.

Gottagetmoving · 28/10/2015 09:10

It is a shame if parents think 11 is the age that a child can start playing out. They have missed years of learning and developing. I think they are in more danger if that is the age they start going out alone.

I used to go to the City with my friend when I was 11. We got the bus, had a walk around the shops, bought chips and then got the bus home.
Parents seem to be obsessed with sexual assaults and danger way beyond what is rational.