Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'playdates' are over-rated & stressful?!

61 replies

tryhard · 27/10/2015 22:34

This has been done to death I'm sure but I feel like a total fish out of water in RL so starting to wonder if AIBU? DS1 has just started reception, enjoys it, like the other kids etc. He's August-born so he's knackered at the end of the day, at weekends & this half term. The way I see it, he's getting plenty of stimulation & social interaction at school, home is for rest, peace & quiet time while he adjusts to full time education. I can only imagine that having another equally knackered 5 year old in my house, potentially without their parent, would be nothing short of awful. Yet it feels like everyone we know has a 'little friend' round for tea after school & is spending half term in eachothers' pockets. It seems so unnecessary. I am an introvert & I'm aware that I withdraw to recharge but still...do kids who are not yet 5 really need a busier social life than me? AIBU?

OP posts:
snottybeammeup · 29/10/2015 07:37

Agree with TheHouseOnTheLane & Narp 100%

The engineered 'playdate' crap involving parents are not actual friendships. Wait it out, dont force it and your children will naturally develop meaningful friendships of their own choosing. I never understand why parents get so heavily involved and force the issue.

MilkyChops · 29/10/2015 07:38

The thing I've found so far with motherhood is that it's very lonely. If you have no family close by and your friends don't have children then you get excluded from things (without having even been asked if you wanted to, they just assume out can't because you have a baby!)

Without 'playdates' with other mums and LOs from baby group then I would be even more lonely. For me they've been invaluable and saved my sanity.

However, if your kid is whacked after school then don't feel any pressure. He's got friends in school and as he gets older he may join after school social and sports clubs. Pointless having a miserable two hours if all he wants to do is nap. Plenty of time to form out of school friendshipa in the future.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 29/10/2015 07:40

Yy after school is tiring, but half term/inset days FUN

I felt much like you OP, but I did it

You do come to enjoy it, honest

And now most of the kids who came to play with my 5/6/7 yos are still their friends now, despite different schools, cities etc

Go on, give it a go!

Happypiglet · 29/10/2015 07:47

Hardly ever host play dates. My DC are fine and have loads of friends. It isn't essential. Especially not at 4.

Noteventhebestdrummer · 29/10/2015 07:54

Does your kid have any cousins? They can be great for holiday fun!

RoganJosh · 29/10/2015 08:00

It doesn't have to be engineered, snotty , you'd let them choose the child and suggest having them to play in the first place.

OrangeNoodle · 29/10/2015 08:01

We never do play dates as we both work full time. As do most parents. Don't worry yourself about it. If your child wants friends round they will soon ask.

Eminybob · 29/10/2015 08:02

I suppose it must get harder as they get older.

DS is 15 months and has been having "play dates" with some of the other babies from my postnatal group since he was tiny, but really it's just babies playing and us friends having a brew and a catch up so I quite enjoy it. I would imagine definitely not so much once the mum stops staying with her DC!

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/10/2015 08:02

We did a few play dates when DD was 2 - 6, now she occasionally goes to one boy's house but we can't afford to reciprocate yet. She's 8. DS hasn't asked yet. He's 4.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 29/10/2015 08:13

Depends on the child IMO. I found it fairly horrific with DS in the first few years of school (he has AS and difficulties with social skills) but did it about once a term and an glad we persisted, it definitely helped him with friendships and he loved going to other people's houses so we had to reciprocate. I had to hover/ intervene a lot though. Whereas DD is a total natural, it's never been a problem at all having her friends round.

Eminy, yes different to mum and baby get togethers, but those can carry on, we did it with ante-natal group friends right up to school starting age when they all went to different schools, but we still have coffee (just the mums) most weeks, just about to reach our 12th anniversary.

harryhausen · 29/10/2015 08:44

We did hardly any at that age from school. I still met up with my mummy friends from anti-natal group if I wanted a big play.

Now my Dcs are 11 and 8. Over the years we've had the odd person back for tea and hosted and attended birthday sleepovers, but generally my kids have after school activities (where they see a lot if their friends) or they just want to chill out in their pyjamasSmile

Both my Dcs are popular at school and have no issues with friendships.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 29/10/2015 09:12

It's just not something I've given much thought to. I'm definitely not particularly sociable, but if DS plays nicely with a child, and I like them mum, having them for a play isn't a big deal. It's been nice over the half term. We've had a lot of one on one time, but had friends over twice to play. It does depend on the children though. DS has an awful dynamic with some and it's very stressful, but with the majority, they just go to his room and play, appearing every now and then for biscuits.

SoftBlocks · 29/10/2015 13:23

The more you do them the easier they get. I think they're important if you have an only child and dd loves them, but if your child is tired and not asking to do them a lot just do the odd one here and there. Going to the park after school is just as good and you don't need to tidy the house!

welliesandleaves · 29/10/2015 13:32

The term 'playdate' has added a kind of formal element to the whole thing. Years ago children just had a friend over for an hour to play, or invited someone home for tea and it was no particular big deal. Also, at 5 years of age kids usually just played with other children on the road or with kids whose mum happened to be friendly with their mum. It's a big young to be formally inviting children around from school, in my view.

Supermanspants · 29/10/2015 13:43

I despise the term 'playdate'. Sets my teeth on edge whenever I see it. Same with 'screen time' (Yes.... not helpful re: your original post)

Anyway..... don't stress it. I rarely had my DC's friends round. Likewise, I rarely took them round to see others. I worked long hours, was knackered and am a single parent. The only exception was a very close friend and it was pretty informal during school holidays... none of this 'playdate' crud.
My two are late teens now and it doesn't seem to have affected them Smile

ConfusedInBath · 29/10/2015 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welliesandleaves · 29/10/2015 13:54

I agree. Before all this playdate stuff, children usually decided, when they were old enough, who they wanted to invite home from school. Our parents didn't get involved in choosing friends for us.

Teladi · 29/10/2015 14:42

Thanks for this thread. My 4 y/o DD's nursery friends appear to be having sleepovers at each other's houses. I feel DD is much too young for this and I am also not happy to have her friends sleep at mine... I've been worried that she is missing out, but you're right - I didn't play at my friends' houses when I was that age, let alone sleep over. I've been reluctant to have friends for tea either as by the time DD gets home from nursery, she is shattered and I don't know what I'd do with someone else's overtired kid!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 29/10/2015 14:43

I don't think anything's changed just becsuse the word playdate has emerged, it's still just children going to each other's houses after school, mine started bring invited and wanting to invite people jn thrir first year of school, not all children do. Nothing formal or forced about it, just need to agree dates with other parents to fit in around wotk hours etc.

laffymeal · 29/10/2015 16:37

I think they are overrated and stressful if they're done for the wrong reasons, i.e. "social convention". Parents getting all angsty because they overhear other parents arranging them so they start shoehorning their DCs into friendships that aren't "real" and the children are probably far too young for them just so they can stand around looking smug saying crap like "Oh, little X had SUCH a nice time with Y yesterday, my word they have better social lives than we do!" tinkle tinkle laugh. Ugh, I cannot stand it.

If children make their own friendships and ask for specific people to come round for a play or tea, then they're usually quite pleasant affairs.

mathanxiety · 29/10/2015 20:39

I agree WhoKnows.

We always experienced more requests to go to play or have a friend home on days when they had art of gym in school, where they chatted more in class.

They are as stressful as you let them be.

Purplepoodle · 29/10/2015 22:00

Never had a play date or friend round for tea. mine are 7,4,2. I've never felt the need to invite any of their friends over, eldest ds has asked a couple of times but never really went on about it. I work pt and enjoy just having my own boys at home on my days off. Dc go to after school club on work days so see friends there.

The mums in eldest ds class are super clicky and seem to have loads of play dates but ds never been invited. We live in an undesirable area compared to most others at school so this might be an issue.

WipsGlitter · 29/10/2015 22:06

Lots of working parents can't manage "round for tea". We only get home at 5.15.

I HATE play dates. DS loves them. It's v stressful. DS2 has SN so we must keep the front door locked and kids in and out means I can't do anything else but monitor the door.

Agree at the start its parents engineering friendships for themselves as well.

We do one every other month.

A friend seems to have one little boy around every weekend. I think the other kids parents take advantage of her.

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2015 22:09

"I've never felt the need to invite any of their friends over, eldest ds has asked a couple of times "

Now there's an interesting sentence! "I've never felt the need he's asked"

He has a voice here, you know!

Purplepoodle · 29/10/2015 22:26

Bert - He is also 7 and I decide what happens in my own home. he has also asked for a dog repeatedly - should I rush out and get him one of those too

Swipe left for the next trending thread