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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is he being mean?

35 replies

toolonglurking · 27/10/2015 20:48

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and have been really tired for the last few weeks.
Before I got pregnant I used to cycle a lot and go to spin classes three times a week.
Not long after I found out I was pregnant I went out on my bike but started bleeding, ended up in hospital for a scan as it was thought I was miscarrying.
Since then I've not cycled much, and I've stopped going to spin, but I still walk lots and eat healthy.

The point - my partner just told me that he thinks I've been lazy, making excuses and he thinks I need to be more active again.

He isn't usually such an arse, if he is being an arse, he might have a point, I have been way less active, but I thought it was normal.

I'm all confused, but my AIBU is - AIBU in not carrying on as normal, or should I tell him to stop being such an arse?

OP posts:

Onthepigsback · 27/10/2015 20:53

Whats it to him! Or is he just concerned for your health and ongoing energy levels (misplaced concern)? YANBU, pregnancy can be horrific for many women in terms of exhaustion and feeling unwell. I could barely cope with picking up a piece of rubbish off the floor as I passed for the first 5mts of all my pregnancies, let alone do a spin class! Some people feel very well and can continue doing life pretty much as normal but you also had a bleed, I wouldn't be chancing cycling and spin classes after that personally.

Im sure other people will say the same, he is being a jerk or at the very least is pretty ignorant about both pregnancy and his role as your support. Feel free to show him these responses, maybe they will make him stop and think if he is a decent bloke.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 27/10/2015 20:54

Shove a watermelon up his arse, then tell him he's lazy and to go for a cycle. What an utter twat he is! You take it as easy as you need to - I barely left my bed for my last month of pregnancy (pelvic pain), but I think I could have found a bit of energy to give a good kick up anyone's backside who suggested I was 'lazy' at any point in pregnancy. In short - yanbu, he's an arse.

watchingthedetectives · 27/10/2015 20:54

He is being an arse - I am all for exercising in pregnancy but if you are bleeding then you need to be careful

The walking is fine

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2015 20:56

Is there a reason why he thinks you need to be more active again?

The thing is we're all different, but for me personally, the less active I am - the more tired I get.

But you're 4 months pregnant and if you're tired, then you're tired.

I'm not sure why it bothers him?

Trooperslane · 27/10/2015 20:56

Dick.

Him, obv. Not you.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 27/10/2015 20:57

My DH will hardly let me lift a cup of coffee. Tell your DP to fuck off.

Just out of interest, what was the medical advice? AFAIK, they say "gentle exercise" like walking is ok - not sure spin and cycling comes under that. In fact, I'm fairly sure I read somewhere that cycling wasn't recommended in pregnancy (can't remember why, sorry)

Original poster

toolonglurking · 27/10/2015 20:58

You are so sweet, thank you. I was starting to think I must be overreacting to being pregnant, but I've never felt so tired!
He's usually lovely and thoughtful, I think perhaps he's actually quite anxious about the up coming changes in our lives but doesn't know how to deal with it.
I might just show him this, he'll see that I'm not the only woman to be knocked sideways when pregnant!

OP posts:

daisychain1991 · 27/10/2015 20:59

You do what you feel comfortable with. I was so inactive during pregnancy, I had so little energy.
I also had a bleed after doing lifting during work, it made me realise that it wasn't just my self I had to take care of but my growing baby too.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 27/10/2015 21:01

I've been bloody exhausted. I'm 6 months and can hardly do anything!

Do make sure you're getting enough iron - I felt like death when my iron level started dropping.

FeelsLikeHome123 · 27/10/2015 21:02

YANBU. Your partner is being a total toss pot. He would prefer for you to exercise and risk losing your baby. I think you may need lots of back and foot massages for the foreseeable future

popalot · 27/10/2015 21:02

Totally knackered at your stage is about normal. Telling you you are being lazy is shitty. Has he not read any of the multiple books for men on pregnancy that tell him not to be so selfish and be understanding? I think you're right - he's in denial. The 20 week scan should sort that out.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/10/2015 21:02

Telling someone they are lazy and making excuses is not OK unless the person specifically asked for your advice on their exercise habits and you have an excellent relationship with them.

Context matters. How did he come to make such a rude comment to you?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 27/10/2015 21:07

He's being an arse. I managed spin classes up until 25 weeks. Now I can barely manage a short walk.

Original poster

toolonglurking · 27/10/2015 21:08

RunRabbit to answer your question - he's away this week with work, so called to catch up and just sort of blurted it out, I was quite surprised! He said I used to be so full of energy and now I just come home from work and want to sleep, when I used to go to spin I'd come home smiling and now I just always have a headache and lie on the sofa.
I burst in to tears, which is not how I usually respond to criticism!
He apologised, but stood by what he said.
I'm starting aquanatal classes tomorrow, and yoga next week, so it's not like I'm just staring into space all day!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2015 21:09

Hmm. I worry about this. A couple of possible, not great, reasons are:

He wants your body to stay the way it is and is pressuring you because of this.

He wants your life to stay the way it is and is pressuring you because of this.

He is unlikely to get what he wants in both cases and is very unreasonable as well.

gandalf456 · 27/10/2015 21:14

You need to be assertive. It's not up to him to decide your needs. You're an adult, not a child.

When the baby comes, you are going to be just as knackered and so is he. Tell him firmly he'd better get used to it, he wanted kids and the subject is closed. Warn him you'll be very angry if it's brought up again. Nip it in the bud n ow

HelsBels3000 · 27/10/2015 21:16

Pregnancy = tiredness! He needs to read a 'what to expect when your partner is expecting book!' ASAP.

Clare1971 · 27/10/2015 21:17

Is this your first baby? If so then see this as the blueprint for how the two of you are going to deal with the millions and millions of different opinions you're going to have on bringing up children. It's all very well to say he's being an arse but trying to decide who is right and who is wrong is just going to lead to years of point scoring. Tell him how you feel. Tell him how worried you were about the thought of losing the baby. Ask him how he felt when you started bleeding. Is he looking for proof that you are still the you he knows? I'm not suggesting it's your job to educate him about pregnancy, he is an adult after all, but it's worth working to make sure the two of you are on the same team, not opposite ones.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/10/2015 21:19

Sorry op, your dp sounds like a total arse. You have been bleeding, been in hospital, he thinks your lazy and shoukd get yourself out there. Hope this is not the sign of things to come. He has apologised but stands by what he says . Be assertive op, your body is doing an amazing thing, you need to look after it. I bet he woukd be on his silly back all day if he were in your position .

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/10/2015 21:21

Oh dear. You will be much much more tired after the birth. You won't be the happy smiley bouncy person again for quite a while. Maybe five years? joking, sort of

Do not start justifying yourself to him!!! You are already justifying to yourself about how you are not lazy. Cut yourself and him off in this line of thinking before it escalates.

Make it clear that if he wants you to be more bouncy puppy happy then that is not delivered by you being less lazy and making fewer excuses. It is delivered by him doing an awful lot more to relieve the pressure on you in your time of need.

How much of the housework does he do now? How much does he expect to do when you are on maternity leave?

DoreenLethal · 27/10/2015 21:21

but doesn't know how to deal with it

Yeah, not like this. Before he utters another word, he needs to catch on.

He apologised, but stood by what he said

How is that an apology - is he trying to get you to bring on a miscarriage or something? Christ on a bike - does he not understand basic biology?

Bakeoffcake · 27/10/2015 21:43

Tell him to google "pregnancy and tiredness" that should educate him.

And when the baby is born, let him do all the nighttime feeds. That might give him an idea of what being tired really means.

I cannot describe how tired I was for the first few months of pregnancy. Every fibre of my being felt exhausted.

AnonymousBird · 27/10/2015 21:47

I have never been as tired, as in the early months of pregnancy. I would get home from work at 7, eat something and then sleep from 8pm until 7am the next morning. The exhaustion can be extreme. Tell him that! Tell him to run a marathon every day and not feel tired. I literally crawled to bed - 8pm at night!

You are making a person, your body is in overdrive to do this.

He is a twat, and needs a kick up the arse pronto.

And good god, if he can't cope with your tiredness now, how on earth is he going to cope with the arrival of a baby?! Reality check, now!

AnonymousBird · 27/10/2015 21:49

Sorry, he may not actually be a twat, that was perhaps a bit hasty, but he is behaving like a twat. I am giving serious benefit of the doubt here.

And you've been bleeding - give me strength, what planet is he on?

Look after yourself, do not cave to his unnecessary pressures. His apologies are pathetic and hollow because they have no acknowledgement at all of what you and your body are having to deal with right now.

I'm back to the fact that he is a twat again! Allegedly, and possibly....

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 27/10/2015 21:52

Sounds like he wants things to continue as they were pre pregnancy and he is terrified you are going to change and possibly your body is going to change long term.

He needs to grow the fuck up quite honestly and recognise this isn't about him. I would be pretty concerned he is going to be an srsehole when the baby is here and you need his support.

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