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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is too involved with FB

69 replies

Maybemable · 27/10/2015 19:30

I know this complaint is nothing new but I am feeling more and more annoyed with the time DH spends on FB. He is a musician and claims the 1000 plus FB friends he had are necessary for networking. In practice he is on there at least 10 X a day commenting often on childish posts by people in his network I've never heard of. Today's haul included a comment on a pic of a naked woman holding up a cat in front of her fanny. He rarely sees posts I make about funny things the kids have said or done because he's so busy with all his "friends." A mutual friend of ours who recently joined FB couldn't believe how active he was. It would be fine if I felt he was fully engaged with our family but I don't. He rarely makes things happen on his own intitiative and has to be reminded loads of times to do the things in his to do list. I feel he'd rather invest in a relationship with a thousand FB friends - many of them women than invest in his real world family. He does find his job boring so possibly FB is his outlet. He's going to be lucky to hold on to the job at this rate and that will be something else for me to sort out. I have asked him to cut down on his FB activity - he says he will but doesn't. Am concerned I will come across as controlling if I force the issue. It kind of is harmless - it just underlines my perception of him as a big kid who doesn't want to face his real life responsibilities.
I like FB too but I have far fewer friends - they are nearly all female and he knows most of them. Does anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/10/2015 10:06

OP it's a tricky one. If my dh said I was spending too much time on mn fb, I would listen to him and have a think about whether my choices were impacting our relationship in a negative way.

But if he just said 'stop doing it' I might think that he had no right to tell me what to do and not change anything.

So I think you need to have a chat with him. Find a time when neither of you has any distractions and sit down together with a coffee and have a real heart to heart talk.

If he changes nothing then it will show that he just doesn't care about what you think/feel and how it's affecting your relationship.

Have the chat and see what he does. That will tell you everything you need to know.

ChewlipsFromHamsterDan · 28/10/2015 10:13

AF I'm not a twat, I've never played a musical instrument in my life and I drive a citroen.

Damselindestress · 28/10/2015 10:39

The Facebook issue sounds like the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like you feel like the adult in the relationship. You said that if he loses his job that will be something else for you to sort out. It sounds like he is not taking responsibility, making you feel like you have another child to deal with. Spending time on Facebook and neglecting his responsibilities and home and work is just a symptom of the problem. I wouldn't just focus the discussion on what he is doing on Facebook but on what he is not doing. And ask about his plans if loses his job, making it clear that you WON'T be sorting it out or picking up the slack.

Vix270781 · 28/10/2015 11:06

My DP is a musician and is definitely not a twat! He also hates FB and although he is on it, he rarely uses it and never posts anything!

TheBitchOfDestiny · 28/10/2015 11:15

yanbu this would really annoy me

fb can be toxic to relationships imo

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2015 11:26

Can you both agree certain times to not use FB/general internet?

So that it becomes family time?

If he can't manage that, then I agree with a PP who said FB seems to be a symptom rather than the cause.

TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 28/10/2015 12:02

Chewlips isn't new.

I'd put my money on her being a bpb (shall I list her many, many names?)

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 12:11

Anyway, I agree with what Worra said

If you find yourself picking up most or all of the shit work while he gets his ego stroked on social media, you have a problem

And I wouldn't listen to excuses like he needs to network

That's just a variation of the selfishness displayed by blokes who need to "network" down the pub for hours after work so they miss the fresh hell that is bath/bed time etc

And aren't posters who hide behind name changes to have a go at folk reallyyyyyy tedious ?

ChewlipsFromHamsterDan · 28/10/2015 12:13

I'd put my money on her being a bpb (shall I list her many, many names?)

Yes, please do! This should be interesting. Crikey, how long is this list?

ChewlipsFromHamsterDan · 28/10/2015 12:14

And don't flatter yourself, AF, I haven't name changed for you. Smile

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 12:15

You are under a name change then.

exLtEveDallas · 28/10/2015 12:16

aren't posters who hide behind name changes to have a go at folk reallyyyyyy tedious

Yes. But you forgot 'cowardly' as well Smile

ChewlipsFromHamsterDan · 28/10/2015 12:18

Yes, I changed names weeks ago in anticipation of this thread...

Cowardly?! Ha.

EponasWildDaughter · 28/10/2015 12:19

If it wasn't FB it'd something else. Something similar. He's not engaging with his family and this is what he's choosing to do instead.

I'd be pissed off too OP. YANBU.

Does he understand the real impact of this sort of behavior over time?

My XH didn't.

IguanaTail · 28/10/2015 12:22

Citroens. Blush

ChewlipsFromHamsterDan · 28/10/2015 12:23

Sycophants Blush

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 28/10/2015 12:25

I drive an audi and im certainly a twat. Thats why I got one.
Anyway OP im confused- you say your DH is a musician then say hes at risk of losing his job- does she does something else?

IguanaTail · 28/10/2015 12:32

Zafira?

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 12:40

Sycophant? Is that a new model Citroën ?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 28/10/2015 13:31

Envy is just so darn ugly to watch when it's played out on a public forum isn't it?

Fairenuff · 28/10/2015 13:57

Who is envious of whom? Confused

LurkingOne · 28/10/2015 14:47

standard stuff from AF, must be a quiet day in relationships. Not to worry, I'm sure there will be a family to break up because the husband put a fork in the spoon tray in the drawer along soon....

Does seem to be a trend of obsessive FB use from musicians. Best advice is he has two accounts, one as an "official musician husband" and his own private account for real friends. That's what some, non-twat musician friends of mine do.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 17:57

Yep, that's me the evil family breaker-upper mwah ha ha haaaa

I have special powers down the interwebs. I turn decent men into shitty partners and fathers. Nowt to do with them, obvs.

TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 28/10/2015 18:14

What have you been up to AF? You seem to be attracting the haterz these days Grin

Or is it one very repetitive Hater, with a few hangers-on?

Have some Wine

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 18:15

Just being my usual sweet and winsome self, Maryz Halloween Smile