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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch this entire group of friends?

58 replies

LoveMenchies · 27/10/2015 17:07

I've namechanged for this as it might make me identifiable.

I am friends with a group of mums from my DCs school. One mum in particular is very hard work, and gets very catty and nasty about others, with much foot stamping if she cannot have her own way. She falls out with people on a regular basis. Everyone seems to know what she is like and moans about her a lot.

About a year ago she got very cross with me as her DD didn't get invited to my DD's party. The girls don't particularly hang around with each other at school, although they did when they were younger, and DD only had a very small party at home with 3 friends invited.

Instead of talking to me about it, the mum phoned me up and was utterly vile to me on the phone. It was like a poison pen letter in phone call form. I tried to explain that it was nothing personal and that DD had chosen 3 friends only , but she just gave me an earful of abuse and told me not to speak to her again. That night, my new car was keyed in my driveway. As this woman had talked before about cars that she had keyed in the past I concluded that it must be her. She has since snubbed me and refused to talk to me, although does make horrible comments loudly in front of me.

I have told the others about how she behaved and although they were sympathetic and have continued moaning about her, she is still very much included in the group of friends.

We have a day out planned in a couple of weeks and this woman has been invited and tbh I know she will just be a total and utter cunt to me on the day out. And it's just dawned on me really that these friends, despite knowing what she is like, are not loyal to me in any way and are happy for her to just be vile to me.

AIBU to ditch the lot of them?

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 27/10/2015 17:52

It sounds like they want you to be this witch's target, to deflect attention from themselves.

You're better off ditching them I think.

SlaggyIsland · 27/10/2015 17:54

Yes it sounds like one of those mean girls dynamics with the queen bee, the wannabee, the scapegoat etc.
At the moment you're the scapegoat. If you take nothing more to do with any of them, queen bee's bitchy little eye will alight upon someone else in the group.
And it won't be your problem or your concern.
Life is too short to hang around with school yard groups.

justkeepongoing · 27/10/2015 17:54

I have a colleague who behaves just like this. In fact she does the rounds with her BF routine. IMO I'd just slope off quietly without the fuss as this is what she probably thrives on!

hairbrushbedhair · 27/10/2015 17:54

I'd definitely dump

Who needs that drama over a child's birthday party?! Shock

laffymeal · 27/10/2015 17:56

I'm familiar with this type unfortunately which is why I have their "rub"Grin. It was a bloke in my case and he played a huge friendship group off against each other. No matter how I tried to tell the others what a vicious cunt he was, no one did anything till he turned on them.

thefutureofpolitics · 27/10/2015 17:57

Perhaps distance yourself and see what happens. If they are friends, they will come to you, otherwise leave them to being friendly with the vile person and take the attitude, 'Well, it's your loss'. There are plenty of nicer people out there, they really don't sound like they are worth the stress to be honest.

OhMakeMeOver · 27/10/2015 18:00

If you don't feel comfortable in their presence, especially that certain person, and all she does is make you miserable... ditch her. If the others don't stand up to her because they are too worried about causing problems or they just want to stand there and bitch about everyone behind their backs, ditch the lot of them! if you think those other friends are actually worth keeping in contact with, meet them without her around. It sounds like no one actually likes her, yet put up with her because she's a bitch?

Is... is this my sister? Shock
Sounds just like her and her friends - all they do is put each and every one down behind their backs and when in their presence, they are two-faced and say nothing. No loyalty whatsoever. I no longer force myself to see my sister if I don't want to now. I'm civil if I have to be, but avoid them/her in any way you can, I'd say. People like that deserve nothing.

OhMakeMeOver · 27/10/2015 18:01

I mean she has already said 'don't talk to me' - act upon it then! It's her loss, not yours. If she wants to go round keying cars, then let her or report her as you said she admitted to it.

hollieberrie · 27/10/2015 18:28

This is quite common with a very forceful and nasty personality like this. The others are cowards and are too shit scared to stand up to her. They'll justify this with "she's always been alright with me" and will look for ways to blame you for provoking her. One day they'll be on the receiving end of her shite and will be dismayed when no one supports them
This.

I'm familiar with this type unfortunately which is why I have their "rub". It was a bloke in my case and he played a huge friendship group off against each other. No matter how I tried to tell the others what a vicious cunt he was, no one did anything till he turned on them
And this.

Laffy - you have it spot on. I have been in this exact position OP. I tried so hard to make the others see it but they couldnt / wouldnt. (I think wouldnt - they knew really but didnt want to rock the boat). I dumped them all. It hurt. And my social life is a lot quieter and more lonely these days! But i think it was the only option really.

She sounds awful OP. And they sound like very weak people and not real friends. Cut your losses and leave them to it. She'll turn on some of them too eventually.

StarOnTheTree · 27/10/2015 18:32

YANBU OP I would never stand by and allow one of my friends to behave like that to another one without pulling them up on it, generally in private.

A couple of years ago some of my friends turned on another friend in our group. They were vicious and totally over the top. It was like a witch hunt in the end Angry I stood by the wronged friend and lost a whole friendship group that meant a lot to me. Two years on I still miss some of them badly and there is still a gaping whole in my life where they used to be. BUT I still stand by what I did!

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 18:38

The key car damage is awful. Really low.

I am a member of a mixed sex friendship group where certain characters don't get on. One girl is rather brash and outspoken but has a good heart. So despite putting her foot in it, she does have redeemable features. She would never key a car for sure. The women you are talking about seems positively nasty and destructive. I would stay well clear!

You can always tell your friends that you don't fancy it. Then arrange to meet people in smaller selective groups

Howlongtillbedtime · 27/10/2015 18:43

The only dramas you should know about (if any at all) over friendship are the ones that your daughter will have at various times that most grown ups will nod and smile through because they know it will generally be alright in the end .

This woman sounds bloody hard work , it sounds to me that the penny is dropping just in time . She is not going to get better and it is not your job to make her see what a numpty she is being . The chances are she won't change and it will just get more tiring . Save your energy for the stuff that matters .

Only1scoop · 27/10/2015 18:44

Keyed your carShock

She sounds slightly unstable I wouldn't be in her company for 30 seconds.

Stinkilinky · 27/10/2015 18:44

Yes ditch them!

I have just distanced myself from a group of mum friends due to the 'queen bee' being an absolute nob to everyone. It was a weird set up for a friendship group.

HPsauciness · 27/10/2015 18:57

I once ditched a group of female friends for this, they all slavishly followed one or two queen bees who were really quite scathing and nasty about other people in the group. I cut contact with all of them in the end, which I was sad about as I liked one of the women in particular, but ultimately, she wasn't very discerning and was happy hanging round with horrid people, so it just wasn't worth it.

There are other friends out there, I would distance yourself.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/10/2015 19:17

Certainly do not go on the day out! Life is too short for that kind of avoidable stress.

You will find a load lifted from your shoulders if you stop hanging out with people where you don't find genuine friendship

hookiewookiedoodah · 27/10/2015 19:19

I would distance myself from them and see if any of them get in touch. If they do, tell them why and just explain that you're not prepared to put up with her bullying shit anymore.If no one gets in touch, you're better off without them all.
Would def report the keying to the police though.

ihateminecraft · 27/10/2015 22:35

"This is quite common with a very forceful and nasty personality like this. The others are cowards and are too shit scared to stand up to her. They'll justify this with "she's always been alright with me" and will look for ways to blame you for provoking her. One day they'll be on the receiving end of her shite and will be dismayed when no one supports them."

YES YES YES! I had exactly this situation with an NCT group (well not car keying, but a horrible cunt of a queen bee). The others claimed that I needed to know how to handle the bully, how she was lovely really and expressed dismay that I thought they could be so shallow. So I distanced myself from them & made new friends. I'll admit it was easier for me as there was someone else in the group who felt the same as me, so we did it together. Are you sure you can't find an allie in the group?

Anyway, we found out a while later that the others finally saw her for what she was and ousted her from the group. We were long gone by then and had no wish to reconnect with them but would’ve loved to have said "told you so!"

laffymeal · 27/10/2015 23:18

Lol, don't think I've ever been quoted so much on a thread before. Hope you're ok op, looks like quite a few of us have had a similar situation.

Incandescentage · 28/10/2015 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 28/10/2015 06:51

Did you report the car keying to the police?

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 06:55

You are hanging about with a group of women who condone criminal behaviour ? ???

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 28/10/2015 07:14

If it was her who keyed your car, that is pretty psychotic if it's as a result of her child not being invited to your child's small gathering. What would she do if something of any importance happened? I would cut myself off from this group because I think she sounds unhinged and clearly the others aren't giving you any back-up. Perhaps they are frightened of her- she seems quite domineering. You can't influence the others on this, they will need to find it what she's like first-hand. Distance yourself.

BingoBonkers · 28/10/2015 08:05

I bet all the others are constantly walking on eggshells in her company and wanting to please her in fear of any fall outs and damage to their cars.

I'd be thankful for the excuse to quietly step back and never having to incite her or her daughter to anything ever again. Great example she's setting her DD too. Halloween Confused

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/10/2015 08:20

I really can't understand the other women in this group. Is their self esteem so low that they'd rather hang out with an arsehole than find new friends?