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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dumped by best friend!!

37 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 27/10/2015 14:11

Has this ever happened to anyone- have BF of over 20 years who I am (was) very close to. She was single for many years (10) but recently met a guy who she is serious about. All good- have been really happy for her. When she was single, she would ring me 3 times a week and wanted to meet up a lot.
2 things have happened- I never get to see her on her own anymore as they are never apart and also she told me yesterday that she couldnt fit me in to see me face to face until after xmas!
I know relationships change when you start seeing someone and I have a full life too with 2 DCs but I have always made time for her and tried very hard to maintain our friendship.
I just feel upset that she can't find a single time apparently to meet up until the new year- I feel a bit dumped on actually and dont know if to say anything. I know life moves on but we were like sisters and I fo feel very hurt.

She has done the same to her other best mate too!

OP posts:

Leelu6 · 27/10/2015 14:37

I would cut her some slack. Being in a new relationship after 10 years of being single must be pretty heady stuff!

Let her revel in her happiness - she'll probably come down from the high and be more reasonable in a few months.

Maybe you could suggest a double date with your DP and hers?

ColderThanAWitchsMammaries · 27/10/2015 14:38

I think you should both be honest with her.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 14:44

She's being very immature. In any case, it's not healthy to be so tied up in a relationship that you can't even see your friends anymore. I think she's behaving very foolishly and could end up very lonely if she carries on like this.

whois · 27/10/2015 14:47

Oh come on, who can't find time to see a best friend for MONTHS just because they are in a relationship. Sounds strange and you're right to be a bit upset.

Can you gently let her know that you would like to spend some time just the two of you? Even if it just a quick midweek dinner rather than something at the weekend?

TigerFeat · 27/10/2015 14:48

She hasn't dumped you, she's enjoying her shiny new boyfriend and assumes you'll be fine with that. You should be, the honeymoon period will wear off eventually and you'll still be good friends.

Suggesting a night out together as couples is a good idea.

Rebecca2014 · 27/10/2015 14:52

Yes I would cut her some slack. She has not been in an relationship for 10 YEARS! I am sure she is very much caught up in being in love etc, but like another poster has said...she will fall back to earth eventually and realize you need friends as well as a partner.

KKCupCakes · 27/10/2015 14:55

Ahh the first flushes of love. My DP and I were inseparable when we first got together and TBH still are! Not sure I would class it as unhealthy though as 7 years later we're married with 3 DC and as in love as ever if not more. However DP's friends found it tough that all of a sudden there was someone else on the scene as DP had always been the single one with time to spare always there and looking to meet up etc. Most of DP's friends were really happy and we went out for couple meals, had film nights etc etc and over the 7 yrs we have grown into an extended family. However there were 2 of DP's friends that said they felt they'd been cast aside, so DP went out with them tried to make more of an effort etc etc. In the end it was so forced on both sides (last night out DP and friends sat in silence staring at their beer!) that the friendship just melted away. If you want to stay friends, try to appreciate that for your friend she may feel like she's found 'the one' perhaps see them together, get to know her new BF. This is a new reality for both of you and perhaps one you can embrace for your friend because you love her and she's happy? For the record I don't think YABU to feel a bit dumped on, as it's is hard being the one on the outside of a close relationship. However I don't think she has dumped on you deliberatly, she's just really happy. xx

middlings · 27/10/2015 14:58

How recent is recent? My friends and I always had a rule - you were given three months at the start of a new relationship to disappear into bed and then were expected to resurface and start behaving like a member of the human race. I remember one of my best friends actually saying to me "Eh, time's up!!" when I said I couldn't do something three weeks hence because I was seeing my now DH for something inconsequential when maybe I'd already seen him three nights that week.

So give her a minute - as someone else said, if she's been single for 10 years this is pretty intoxicating. Unless there's more of a back story, she'll come good I'm sure.

Original poster

Kiddiewinks2008 · 27/10/2015 14:59

I do feel like I have given her some slack to be honest- its been 10 months! I just feel upset because she sees her new BFs friends a lot but can't seem to make any time for the people who were there for her for the decade she was single. Everyone has busy lives- I have 2 DCs and have a lot going on- I still seem to prioritise the people I love and who are there for me.
I guess thats what has upset me- her friends are no longer a priority it seems!

OP posts:

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 27/10/2015 15:00

think of it this way if you did meet up with her she will talk about him constantly simon likes this, simon thinks that, simon wants to, simon did, oh did i tell you what simon said the other say was so funny ..... and you will have to pretend you are really interested

you are better off waiting until she can see beyond their little love bubble

and be happy for her she has been on her own for a long long time

middlings · 27/10/2015 15:00

10 months changes it a bit. You need to have a word. She's clearly fallen into a new pattern and I bet she doesn't even realise.

There's one friend who has done that periodically. This time round, it's been a couple of years.....not sure she's going to walk fully back from it this time.

KKCupCakes · 27/10/2015 15:06

If she see's her BF's friends a lot and it's been 10 months I wonder if BF has picked up how you feel and perhaps that's why you don't see her as much? Wow that's a mahoosive leap of assumption ... It just popped into my head as a possible

ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate · 27/10/2015 15:07

10 months is a long time!

Tell her how you feel. What have you got to lose?

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 15:08

er, you haven't been dumped.

that said.....people who drop their friends for their partners are not good friends, sorry.

I hope you have better luck next time.

Viviennemary · 27/10/2015 15:20

Not seeing you as often or phoning you as much fair enough. But not seeing you till after Christmas. Not on. She's a user. Don't bother with her. How hurtful. If this all goes pear shape no prizes for guessting who she'd turn to first.

cansu · 27/10/2015 15:32

She is acting like a fool. I would leave her to it, but I would definitely not be available straight away when she does get in touch. Behaving like this when you are a teenager is one thing, being in love is not a free pass to act like an idiot.

Gottagetmoving · 27/10/2015 15:34

If she was a best friend then you should be able to tell her how you feel.
Lots of girls/women do what she is doing and many regret it later if things go wrong. Sadly, some people use other people until something 'better' comes along.
Your friend is investing all her time in the new relationship and may feel she can't share that time with anyone else just now.
Perhaps you should invest less of your time on her if/when she decides that she wants to see you again.

Iflyaway · 27/10/2015 15:34

How awful for you.

I'm wondering if her new man is a bit controlling. It seems strange that she has done it to her other friend too.

I presume you have met him so only you can judge if that is the case.

Muckogy · 27/10/2015 15:40

she's obviously delighted with herself, having met someone after 10 years of being single. she probably feels like she's just won the lottery. i've seen this exact scenario before. if she's been celibate for that long too, you can imagine her glee.
but even so, to drop you like that is very callous.
some friend she is.
i wouldn't say anything actually and i'd leave her off. i'd stop trying to contact her full stop.
but if she comes crawling back after the end of the relationship, then i'd tell her to go fuck herself (no pun intended).
find new friends in the meantime. not all long-term singles are as thoughtless as her when they finally find someone.

Leelu6 · 27/10/2015 15:44

10 months ago is recent?

Classic drip feed.

Grapejuicerocks · 27/10/2015 15:46

Surely if she is that good a friend, you can tell her how you feel?

If she doesn't make more of an effort then, I would struggle to forgive her.
It would be her loss, if the relationship bit the dust.

dibly · 27/10/2015 16:34

Don't let it fester, tell her how you feel. I'd be miffed if my bf couldn't give one night in 2 months after 10 years of largely relying on you. But I'd also branch out with other friends tbh (need to take my own advice!)

Roussette · 27/10/2015 16:56

She's pathetic. I can't stand it when people drop friends like a hot potato just as soon as they get a boyfriend. I'm sure OP you are pleased she has met someone after 10 years but to not bother at all with you is hurtful and ridiculous.

Has she even contemplated that this might not work out and she could one day need her friends? I tell my DDs to nurture their girl friendships because boyfriends can come and go but friends who stick by you through thick and thin are as rare as hen's teeth. You don't deserve that.

GruntledOne · 27/10/2015 17:11

But you haven't been dumped, have you, she's just said she can't see you for two months. At this time of year it can be particularly difficult to arrange meetings.

As we get older and develop new relationships and responsibilities, these things change. I see my best friend around four times of year as we both work full time, have children and now live some way apart. Every time we meet we take up where we left off and it's absolutely fine. Neither of us feels miffed about it.

Roussette · 27/10/2015 17:19

I think it all depends how often you saw her before the love of her life came along. Two months is not a problem if it's always been like that, but it hasn't has it... it's been ringing 3 times a week and her wanting to meet lots. Now she can't even fit in the OP till after Christmas!

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