Dumped by best friend!!

[Kiddiewinks2008]

Has this ever happened to anyone- have BF of over 20 years who I am (was) very close to. She was single for many years (10) but recently met a guy who she is serious about. All good- have been really happy for her. When she was single, she would ring me 3 times a week and wanted to meet up a lot.
2 things have happened- I never get to see her on her own anymore as they are never apart and also she told me yesterday that she couldnt fit me in to see me face to face until after xmas!
I know relationships change when you start seeing someone and I have a full life too with 2 DCs but I have always made time for her and tried very hard to maintain our friendship.
I just feel upset that she can't find a single time apparently to meet up until the new year- I feel a bit dumped on actually and dont know if to say anything. I know life moves on but we were like sisters and I fo feel very hurt.

She has done the same to her other best mate too!

At this time of year it can be particularly difficult to arrange meetings.

Um, if a childless friend who lived in the same city as me told me they couldn't see me until after Christmas because it's busy at this time of year (in October!) I would reconsider hoe much they actually wanted to see me!

That's fine for you gruntled one, sounds like that suits yiu both best; but what the op described is a completely different scenario.

Imagine if the op had dropped her friend for her commitments? DH and DC? But she didn't, so is understandably upset that having continued to invest time and energy in this friendship she has now been unceremoniously dumped.

you

I would also cut her a bit of slack. If she has been single against her wishes for 10 years, I think it's ok for her to be enjoying the new relationship. I don't think you should say anything at this stage.

I can see how this would be hurtful, but maybe Cut a bit of slack, but say something to her, just in a light hearted way. If you're best friends, I'm sure you can figure out how to broach it.
And you say she can't fit you in for 2 months, but, I'm guessing you can't do certain days, and she can't do certain days, so are you 100% sure it's not just that now she can't do your free days, and vice versa?

We saw each other a lot before- and I think the thing that I am most upset about is that despite working nearly full time and juggling a family, I still made seeing my friend a priority. Thats not been reciprocated and I feel like we arent important anymore (my kids too)

At first I was in the slack-cutting camp, but a) she's been with him 10 months now and b) she can't see you until after Christmas? That's ridiculous. She's telling you you're not that important to her, and that must sting. I think be honest with her like other people say. If she is your best friend she will be gutted to have hurt you.

I had a friend like this - she was single for quite a while ( while I was in a LTR) and I always made an effort to see her at least once a week, sometimes more. Then she met someone and I got dumped by my partner at time. She made minimum effort to see me. I suggested going to a Saturday morning Zumba class as at the time I was finding weekends really lonely (and I thought she would enjoy it too). She made it clear she didn't want to Commit to go to the class with me. Even though I wouldn't have expected her to go religiously every week if it didn't suit.
Anyway now I have a new bf she is suddenly much more interested in seeing me. Totally bizarre.
I've not fallen out with her about it but I very much suit myself in terms of committing to things with her now.

sorry OP but you are not important to her any more and this is because she is a twat who will put the opportunity for some cock above loyal friends.
cut your losses and move on.
she's done you a favour and you no longer have to invest your time in her.

if this relationship doesn't last, she'll be in the shit because then she'll have no one.

Cutting her some slack would surely mean accepting that she can no longer meet up every weekend or can't drop everything at a minute's notice to meet you for a drink?

But not being able to see a close friend until after Christmas?? That's ridiculous and sounds like a very claustrophobic relationship. They only see his friends apparently, but not hers. Either he's a selfish controlling weirdo or she's a twat.

I feel your pain, op. I had similar happen to me 3 years ago -- friend of 20+ years, so involved (and supported) by myself and my family that other people thought that she was children's auntie etc etc. Got involved with a chap - and then we hardly saw her. (We did actually get to spend ONE evening with them as a couple)

She declined all invitations to meet up (either by herself, or the two of them) always had some excuse reason, whether it was an open invitation (We'd love to see you -- When and where would suit you?) or when I tried to make specific arrangements (even when these offered great flexibility) The best example is 10-days notice of a 5-day period (half-term) She would never commit to anything

I always made it quite clear how much we would love to see her, but to no avail. The stock answer was 'hope to see you as soon as possible', 'when things have calmed down', 'life is manic....manic...just crazy' at the moment. This is somebody who is early retired, has no children. And new partner also not working. Their only responsibilities are their dog and her elderly mother who has health issues. But mother's health no worse than it had been for previous 10 years, when friend was very keen to spend time with us, and to be seen and treated as one of the family.

Long story shortened this went on for several months and then a few days before one of my children's birthdays, she expected to visit with just 5 minutes notice (she had a gift and card to deliver). She tried to do similar 4 weeks later, approaching another family birthday although, to be fair, this was 2 hours notice :-)

This was the last straw, and I let her know how hurt I was. That I had spent months trying SO hard to maintain the friendship, and had got NOTHING. Then she expected to visit at extremely short notice, without any regard to whether we were well, tired or had anything else planned. Also, whilst it was kind of her to remember birthdays, a friendship consisting only of exchanging cards/gifts (with maybe 30 mins chat) is not meaningful at all.

She did not take this well(!), and the comments received a few days later were along the lines of 'how she had been abandoned by her friends', 'her friends were jealous of her boyfriend', 'resented her boyfriend because she was not spending as much time with them as she used to. I could hrdly believe it!

Me again. Can you tell that I'm making the most of the opportunity to vent?

Shortly after this, I decided to give up on the friendship. It hurt a lot -- and still does (as you can probably tell), but it was obvious that our friendship meant so little to her. And I had thought we were lifelong friends. The only contact we have had now for over 2 years is exchanging Birthday and Christmas cards (by post)

Like you, we were not the only ones to be treated like this. She turned her back on all her other friends, too. I feel as if I don't recognise the person she has become.

I am pretty sure that , whilst charming, her boyfriend is controlling. Unfortunately, she was so desperate to be part of a couple again, that it seems that she will agree to whatever he wants.

It has been good for me to read some of the comments of support on here.

At the time, this had a very negative effect on my confidence as I saw it, if my closest friend chose not to see me, no other friends would want to. It took time to rebuild that confidence. I chose to put more time and effort into other friendships many of these have flourished, I also made a big effort to make other friends (through Meetup), which has been great.

My advice to you would be to walk away now. I regret the months that I spent trying to make my friendship work; my ex friend had checked out of it ages before. Friendship is a gift; your 'friend' does not deserve that gift. There are many lovely people out there who would appreciate it. Be kind to yourself.

End of essay! :-)