Aibu to want to limit the number of guests after having dc2?

[Givinguph0pe]

When I had dc1 ALL of dh's family turned up the day after I got home from hospital. I'd had a c section but spent all day waiting on them and making tea and I didn't even have a chair so had to sit on the floor. I didn't see ds as they passed him round all day. There were 15 of them in total and as I recall they stopped for around eight hours. Then they came back two days later and did the same thing. Unfortunately as dc1 was born over the bank holiday they all had time off.
At the time I was too exhausted and shell shocked from a prem baby and a c section to say anything and dh is useless where his family are concerned. Thinks they're all wonderful.

Dc2 is due not long after Christmas and I've told dh no one is to come the day I get out of hospital (last time his parents showed up) and after that I am limiting guests to no more than 4 at once. And for no longer than a couple of hours. I'm just not having it. He thinks I am being selfish as I should understand everyone wants to see the baby. I do understand this but I still think it is unreasonable for 15 people to turn up and expect to be waited on and stay for hours and hours when I've just come out of hospital following what would on any other occasion be considered major surgury. I think this is grossly unreasonable. Let alone the fact I didn't get to see or hold my own newborn all day. Unfortunately dh's family are not particularly bothered about me - I am very much a vessel for the baby and then I can go to hell as far as they are concerned. As evidenced by the fact that they let me sit on the floor three days post c-section.

Aibu to say from the off that I'm not having them all here at once?

YANBU.

I'm shocked. I'm doubly shocked that your 'D'H let you do the running around. I mean really?!

Bloody hell!

It's unbelievable that his family treated you like that. Even 4 visitors for a couple of hours at a time sounds a lot to me. I could only cope with 1 or 2 - and even then they were the ones making cups of tea!

It's entirely up to you who visits, when and for how long.

And where the hell was your dh when you were running around waiting on everybody else? He is the one being selfish and unreasonable for not looking after you.

But surely you will need peace and quiet (your bedroom) to feed your baby (45 mins after they arrive)?

And what a great opportunity for them all to take DC1 out to the park!

Have you posted about this quite a few times? Your first birth I mean.. The whole sitting on the floor thing while your in laws were rude to you rings a bell. If it is the same then still It is your DH who is the problem, he is allowing you to be treated badly and not supporting you.
You know you are not being unreasonable but you need to actually stand up for yourself and say no and stick to it because clearly your DH is not going to help.
If they show up anyway, take baby go upstairs for a feed and DO NOT come back until they are gone

Why were you sitting on the floor after a c-section? And why wasn't your husband doing the running around?

I had a very similar experience to you. Very long labour, lots of intervention and an emergency caesarean. I was discharged after 12 hours and when I got home, there were people waiting on the doorstep. The following day, my brother's siblings and assorted partners turned up (it was a Saturday) and they stayed for NINE FUCKING HOURS. They required lots of food and drink and entertaining. I was bleeding, exhausted, had severe baby blues, struggled to breastfeed and in the end, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I'd leaked blood through the only trousers which fitted comfortably over my CS scar, my boobs were rock solid with my milk coming in, seeing my baby handed round like a bloody trophy physically hurt in a way I couldn't describe and I was so, so traumatised from the labour that I couldn't breathe for the sobbing.

It was partly my fault tbh. My BILs and SILs were between 19 and 23 in age, had no concept of babies other than excitement and usually, we loved having them round for as long and as often as possible. They didn't know that I was struggling and I tried to smile through it and thought I was the one in the wrong. I look at the photos from that day and it's a happy family and then me in the corner, white as a sheet, severely anaemic, red-eyed and struggling. I hate those photos.

I will always, always, always regret not putting my foot down.

When I had DC2, I left it up to DH to explain that I would not be having a repeat scenario. People were welcome to come and see me in the hospital (really strict visiting hours) but once discharged, I'd let people know when they could come. Luckily, DH's siblings had grown up and moved much further away so couldn't just drop in and I was in a much better place emotionally. I had a repeat emcs but was prepared for it and wasn't traumatised. I was happier to have them all round for a few hours here and there but I felt in control that time round.

Do it. Be utterly clear. Don't have your first days and weeks mired in a cloud of sadness because you're being treated quite shoddily.

My family categorically did not know they'd done anything wrong and I should have screamed from the rooftops that I wasn't coping.

Your family, if they are a normal, lovely family, should understand your polite request. If they don't, well, tough doodies.

Your biggest problem sounds like your husband. He should have been looking after you so that you could look after your baby. How long do you expect to be in hospital? Might it be worth encouraging grandparents to visit there as no hospitality is required and visiting hours are fixed, then saying no more visitors for the first week/fortnight. I'd have a plan B available too, a bolt hole where I wouldn't be disturbed.

Wow, just wow. I think I would have had a shit fit at them all!
I didn't want to see anyone when pfb was born. Everyone except my mother appreciated this. She wanted to be the first to see him. We had to wait on her too, and yet when we visit her we also have to make her cups of tea.
Why are you with this guy?
No suggestion on how to handle it. I assume your dh won't support you so you can't just not answer the door. Maybe just be incredibly rude and tell them to leave after an hour?

Is it worth getting your midwife to talk to dh about expectations post birth? Sometimes hearing it from a neutral expert might help it sink in.

I think I would have had a shit fit at them all!

I can't really speak for the op, but when you're in the midst of it, you are just trying to get through each minute. If you stick yourself in that situation, imagine all of the people around you smiling and laughing and behaving normally. You suddenly feel very outnumbered. You wonder if perhaps you're in the wrong and this is just normal and you should get on with it. You keep praying they'll only stay for a few more minutes and you hang on and hang on and you just withdraw inside yourself.

I wasn't behaving like I would ordinarily because I was fairly traumatised by the sudden labour, emergency cs and complications. Any other day, they'd have been out on their ear after 30 minutes and DH would be under strict instructions to lock the door. So soon after such a shocking event, hormonal and frightened, I was just trying not to cry.

YANBU.

My mum had flown home for the birth of DD. Other family (my side) had driven 250 and stayed in hotels to see her. My mum still wouldn't let anyone visit (including her) for more than an hour at a time (she would come twice a day for that week but everyone else was once only). Nobody should be there all day if you don't want them there.

Can anyone be a gatekeeper for you?

DH's family were briefed throughout pregnancy that they'd have to stay in a hotel when they came (money isn't an issue). When DH asked them to come (several days after the traumatic birth) they refused unless they could stay with us. DH felt very stuck in the middle between doing what his wife and baby needed and his conditioning that he does what his parents (father) wants. Took my mother pointing out that he was being completely unreasonable to get him to side with me. (And I'm still not sure he really did.)

Of course YANBU. So what if everyone wants to see the baby, it won't hurt them to wait a couple of days and to visit for only a short time. I really don't understand why your DH can't comprehend that your welfare and that of the baby have to come first.

And have you had the conversation with him about what the hell he was doing letting you wait on his family and sit on the floor a few days after a C section?

Holy fuck

Yanbu at all. If no one will stand up for you then you need to barricade yourself in your room with the baby.

This has shocked and disgusted me! Sitting on the floor 3 days after c-section? I couldn't even bend at that point! I feel so sad for you not having a partner who supports you and puts your needs first.. You have just carried his child and gone through surgery! If he won't fight your corner, either you or a family member/friend needs to tell them firmly. This is your baby, you are in charge. Sounds like you don't have a good relationship with the in laws anyway so no love lost if they get naffed off.
What has your partner said about sitting on the floor, making tea etc?

I had an uncomplicated labour/birth, and was home in a few hours. Family started arriving next morning, mil stayed days and wouldn't take the hint that her 'help' wasn't needed. She made trying to establish BF harder than it should have been, hovering above me, making comments such as 'oh your milk isn't coming in, he's starrrrvvving, give him a bottle!', taking him at every opportunity, interfering with house stuff that just didn't need doing. As soon as she went, BF suddenly took like a dream, I'm quite cross I missed those first couple of days getting to know our baby. It was 5 days before my partner and I actually had any alone time as a new family as they had travelled up to see us so had to stay over. If I had been in your position, I wouldn't havehave even tried to be nice, people would have been shown the door after a couple of hours! You're allowed to say no, to recover and get to know your new baby without being overwhelmed. Yes, its nice to show off the baby, but other people can wait! Even if it's a few days, it won't harm them. It could harm you, physically and mentally. I certainly will be cutting visits short if we have another, the door will be shut for at least a week.

YANBU
Your DH is VVBU. Useless sod; he should have your back when you are vulnerable

Your welfare and your relationship with your newborn must be prioritised over extended family gawking.
They can go to the bloody cinema if they want entertanment.

4 visitors at a time is loads and should be the only visit that day.
Concentrate 100% on looking after yourself and the LO.
Your DH should take over DC1 care and reassurance.
Don't do any waiting on visitors. Your DH should do all that, any cleaning or tidying too.

just !!!!!!

Your 'D'H is an arse.

Show him this thread and these links:

www.essentialbaby.com.au/life-style/being-dad/dads-here-are-12-things-every-new-mum-wants-you-to-know-without-having-to-tell-you-20150903-gje61m.html

www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/10-rules-for-visiting-a-new-baby/

People trampling all over vulnerable new mums really boils my piss like nothing else!

...seriously, if my dh was that useless and unsupportive, never mind dared, after that experience with the first birth, to call me selfish (projecting much!) I would be leaving hospital to travel with the new baby straight to my mother's and be staying there at least three days with people I trusted to give me support. Mind you, after the first experience, I've have told dh in no uncertain terms exactly what was bloody happening with any subsequent births if he ever planned on dtd again.

sorry hun, couldn't read all of your post cos the first half made me so angry.

someone i know told me recently that they gave up breastfeeding due to the number of visitors after their child was born. That in itself shows how important it is that we get away from this assumption that it's OK/expected that everyone has to visit so soon after. What everyone HAS to do (closest family and friends that can, by close i mean emotionally) is offer the baby's family whatever support they can, and let the baby's family decide what that support will be.

I remember asking to hold a baby at one point even though instinctively knew it was not what was best for the baby in that situation, but social ettiquete made me ignore my instinct because i didn't want the parent to think i wasn't bothered about their new child (my instinct turned out to be right). I remember thinking that next time, i'll just say "what a cutie, i won't ask to hold her tho cos it seems like she's had enough".

so much bullshit around the whole issue of having babies. This is making me realise i want a rottweiler-type human to protect me, but I don't have one!!!! Baby due end of Nov. If I have the energy tho, people who get in my way are likely to get short shrift. Especially the ones that deserve it for past crapness.

you and the baby come first OP xxxxx

I was going to say YABU when I read the title because when the DCs were born here I lay on the sofa doing nothing bar feeding them and eating jaffa cakes for weeks upon weeks while guests visited and took care of all the adult stuff.

But no, having read your post you're absolutely not BU, not even a tiny bit. I do think your DH is, though, and needs to fully understand exactly what sort of support you require post-childbirth (and generally - sitting on the floor in your own home while his family stay and get waited on for 8 hours, wtf?). Lay down some ground rules now and stick to them.

Rude as it may sound, you could easily bugger off to bed for a few hours while they're visiting, too. Anyone with even a semblance of a brain would understand fully and that way your DH can run about like a blue arsed fly while they quaff coffee and eat you out of house and home.

I've always baulked at this idea of people coming over straight away, I cannot fathom why they are insensitive to realise that they will adding to a mother's stress and pressure. I wouldn't even dream of popping over, instead I call or text to say congrats and say I will arrange a time to visit after a few weeks or even a month or so, so they can just get settled in. Baby isn't going anywhere and whether I see it on Day 1 or Day 50 who cares.

YANBU put your foot down on this.

YA definitely NBU!!

I've never suggested this before but it might be worth reading him some of these comments. He's being really selfish and might feel differently if it had been him having his crown jewels operated on and then having to hobble around and make tea for everyone. In the nicest possible way, you were a fool to do it the first time. I wouldn't worry what any of them think because they're clearly so self-centered that anyone else's agenda will seem unacceptable.

The kindest thing for the baby is to give him/her lots and lots of time to bond with you, in your arms. have you thought about breast feeding

Just wanted to back you up so to speak ds 2 is due on Christmas Day although very likely to come early and for many reasons, partly ds1 birth I have told everyone no visitors in hospital, (obviously except DH and ds1) and none until I feel up to it

I'm lucky that DH is backing me but only because he didn't last time, and not only did his family very nearly lead to our divorce but he knows it destroyed my post Partum period

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.... It's a tough time and it's important for all of you to have time to relax and do whatever works for you

I've insisted I'm only having visitors when I know both ds' are in a place to deal

Frankly this crap about others needs during birth and just after gets on my nerves...... It's about the tchildren and the parents, hold your ground it'll be worth it

Could you get your midwife to back you up on this? Tell her what happened last time and ask her to speak to dh and make it clear exactly what constitutes appropriate behaviour.