not sure who I should be annoyed at here

[susannahmoodie]

I work FT and have ds1, 4 and ds2, 2. Dh does the school/nursery run with boys except on a Wednesday- dh still takes ds1 to school but dm comes over to look after ds2. She often comes and stays over on the Tuesday night beforehand. You'd think with an extra adult the morning would run smoother but it's actually the other way round......dm is like 'oh it's ok, let ds1 come down in his pjs for breakfast and get changed later, oh just let him have the to on for 10 mins before he goes out...." Which is totally not what we do the other days and quite undermining but I thought I'd pick my battles and let it lie as I am v grateful that she helps us out. Anyway, I left before ds and dh this week as usual, and this morning when I saw dm she said 'now, don't be mad at me for saying this but, on weds am ds1 left for school in trousers that weren't ironed, and he looked like a scarecrow....please iron his school uniform".

Now dh got ds ready after I had left the house.....yet somehow it's my fault that his trousers weren't ironed? When I asked ds about it he said that it was chaos on weds morning and a mad rush to get out because of dm fussing. I feel like I'm making excuses for both of them by then really don't think it should all fall to me...Aibu?? What do I say to dm?

Tell DM to shut up, your house, your rules. Ask her if she would like you to come round to her house and tell her how to clean her kitchen (or something)?

Tell DH to grow up. Whimpering because he is incapable of arranging for a child to get out of the house, fully dressed is inexcusable and you won't accept it.

Get them together and tell them that you are not The Grand Mummy Of Them All and if they don't both grow up and get a grip you will leaving them to it every morning, and they can damn well sort it out themselves.

Then go out for an hour and let them work their pettiness out between them!

Well, maybe only in your head, but if you could do any of it for real you might get your message across

I dot get why she comes round atall? If she just makes things more difficult?
Just say thanks for all your help but we can manage now, and do it yourselves like every other day!

Without giving it much thought I'd be equally annoyed at both of them if ds's trousers were that badly creased and neither noticed in time.

Are you really that dependent on your Mum that she has to stay overnight to do childcare?

It sounds hard work accommodating her if she's undermining your regular routine.

She comes because looks after ds2 on a Wednesday all day- saving us a day of nursery fees. She lives almost an hour away and my df works away during the week so it makes sense for her to come on tues night and have dinner with us- company for her sake etc rather than anything else.....and most of the time it is fine, I enjoy seeing her, we are not dependent on her for childcare overnight. I just feel like I have been blamed for something that wasn't only my responsibility. I had ironed uniform at the weekend and they were ironed trousers for him to wear but dh didn't put him in those ones, and this is somehow my fault in spite of the fact that I wasn't here when it happened and both of them were.....

Why on earth was she telling you? If she thought there was a problem she should have told dh as he was the one who was there and could do something about it. Tell her to speak to him next time. Also who gives a toss about ironed trousers, especially midweek, how old is he?

I don't think it's that big a deal.

I would have just told my DM that the person who is getting DS ready should make sure he's dressed appropriately, that was DH so why is she talking to me about it?

Then, if I missed were bothered about it, I would ask DH to make sure DS only wears ironed clothes.

The fussing etc by your DM is just a red herring; she's doing you a favour, she's overall more help than hindrance (presumably, else you wouldn't have her), she means well etc.

Don't make it a bigger deal than it actually is. You clearly feel some responsibility or guilt, hence the annoyance that this has fallen to you. Don't. Let them behave like grown ups.

Did you tell your Mum that it wasn't up to you to ensure he was wearing the right trousers?, that dh is also responsible for that seeing as you weren't there.

Without giving it much thought I'd be equally annoyed at both of them if ds's trousers were that badly creased and neither noticed in time

I think that would be very unreasonable. Shit happens.

A few weeks ago ds1 (age 7) came out of school wearing a polo shirt that was not only 3 sizes too small but stained and crumpled. It was one of ds2's polo's and blatantly had not been clean that morning - it was skimming his belly button, it looked utterly ridiculous. I was mortified, he looked like an urchin.

He'd got himself dressed that morning (as he does every other). He'd shouted to me that he couldn't find his polo that i'd layed out. I shouted back (from upstairs) that I thought i'd left it on the ironing board in the kitchen. End of.

What he actually did was go out to the ironing board, found it not there, looked down and plucked the first blue polo off the top of a pile of dirty laundry waiting to go in the machine and put it on. Then put his jumper on on top and I was none the wiser.

Like I said, shit happens. If dh had picked him up and been 'annoyed' at me I would have told him where the fuck he could go. It was an accident.

I'd be bloody annoyed if my Mother criticised me for it Summer.

Kids look messy sometimes, it's not the end of the world. Your mother said it to you because you're her daughter, I'd imagine - it's easier to criticise your own child than your son-in-law. Laugh it off, tell her the uniforms are DH's responsibility and certainly not hers.

My mum often comments on something dh may do, usually in ironed clothes.

I tell her if she has a problem with something dh has done speak to him. I would also tell her that no one is perfect and I think she being petty.

I also wouldn't berate dh for the child going to school in unironed trousers on occasion.

Sometimes mornings are just shit. He manages it most days. I don't expect me to be perfect, I don't expect dh to either.

The only person I would be slightly annoyed with would be DM for being a bit judgmental. Even that would pass with a few minutes.

You iron a 4 year old's school trousers?

Oh yes I would imagine your mother told you, because it's easier to tell your own child something negative than someone else. Don't know why but if often works out like that.

Unless you mum is firmly of the type that says certain jobs are women's work, then I wouldn't put it down to the fact that you are a woman.

Mum comments on similar stuff to dbro but not his wife. So it's not the case in our family that I have to make sure things are done, because I am the woman.

I would have asked her if it was that big a deal, she could have ironed them.
Tell her its not a problem worth worrying about.

I think your DM spoke to you as she wouldn't feel comfortable saying it to your DH as *Axekick" has said above.

Yes it's rubbish and makes you feel that you're responsible for everything even when you aren't there. but I think it's best to try to ignore it, or ask her next time if a situation like that arises to either address it directly at the time with DH or think if it's important in the grand scheme of things or if it can be let go.

You are inviting a whole host of issues if you allow your DM to undermine your house rules. Your DC need to know - unequivocally - that house rules are house rules, otherwise you are going to have a whole host of issues as they get older. Your DC need to know they can trust your decisions and rely on your jurisdiction.

In ten years time, nobody would remember "scruffy" trousers. Your children will remember that their DGM does not trust rules mum and dad put in place.

.please iron his school uniform".

Tell her to jog on. And tell your DH to look after HIS child better; no TV if that's the usual rule, dressed for breakfast ditto, iron his clothes if they need it.

I understand the picking your battles and it's worked until now but maybe it is time to have a little chat and say something along the lines of I can't control the house when I'm not here, I'd really rather ds1 got ready for school before breakfast and no tv because then you/DH has time to check he has ironed trousers/clean top/reading book in his book bag. Also if there's a problem telling me 2 days later isn't helpful do ask DH.

Frankly it all sounds far harder than it needs to be. Clothes and school kit should be laid out the night before.mwho does this is for you and dh to decide and agree.

Tell your mother firmly and politely that you have both discussed the morning routine and agreed that there will be no TV and for the sake of continuity please not to question your routine especially in front of the DC.

Unfortunately she will probably make up entirely her own rules once she's in charge and you can't do much about that. Fwiw I do think the DC will understand that you are in charge, not her.

The crumpled trouser thing is too weird to comment on. Can only imagine they are an analogy for the general chaos.

So she's uncomfortable talking to her gs father, but has no hesitation in actually admonishing her dd, who wasn't even there when the h was supposed to be getting the ds ready?

Next Tuesday sit them both down and state that ds gets ready before breakfast - for very good reason - and to muck about like last week is unacceptable.

Also point out that when you leave the house, and the children in the care of 2 responsible adults you expect that they can manage to make sure that ds is dressed appropriately and in very good time to get to school.

I'd also be at pains to point out that up until now I'd decided to stay out of it, as the pair of them are capable adults, but the minute I get blamed for a creased pair of trousers and taken to task for my son looking scruffy when I was not "on duty" I bloody well will speak up and make my displeasure known.

Otherwise love, save yourself the agro and pay the nursery fees.

The "it makes sense for her to come down the night before" comment is clearly wrong. They way it stands it makes no sense at all!

Id be beyond livid! Seriously I would be.

To be clear, I'd say this to both at the same time, to avoid any doubt in the matter.

Pathetic, the pair of them.

And tell your DH to look after HIS child better;

It's a pair of trousers. A unironed pair of trousers is not looking after you child?

So she's uncomfortable talking to her gs father, but has no hesitation in actually admonishing her dd, who wasn't even there when the h was supposed to be getting the ds ready?

Possibly. Most people feel they can cat certain things to close relatives that they feel uncomfortable saying to someone else.

It's not fair, but not the end of the world either. I will tell my own mother to get a grip. Wouldn't tell my mil to get one. But I love my mum and am closer to her.

In would be annoyed. Not least because she is also a responsible adult and if she had been playing her part properly then surely she would have ironed the damned trousers or found some less crumpled ones for DS to wear.

I wouldnt say anything now as it would sound like severe criticism at this late stage. However, I would put in place proper routines for everyone to follow so that toes aren't trodden upon and DS goes out of the house properly fed and clothed.

So if her role starts only when you have both left the house can you gently suggest that she could have a cup of tea/toast in her room in the morning while entertaining the baby so that DH and DS can sort themselves out s they usually do?

Sometimes its necessary to explicitly lay out the terms of what is expected and until they re in place this sort of confusion and upset can occur . Maybe a 'team meeting ' is necessary?

Pathetic, the pair of them.

Can you explain why he is pathetic?

I can't see where he has whines to the OP. She said she spoke to her mum and ds?

As far as I can see the dh is guilty of the huge crime of putting on the wrong trousers and having a chaotic morning.

I am sure we are all guilty of this heinous crime, occasionally.