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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or DH being unreasonable?

45 replies

Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 10:58

Apologies for the long post but I thought best to give the full picture. DH is the bigger earner, he works full time for more money. I work a four day week for civil service pay. I have one day a week I take the kids to school and the the shopping etc.

DH has made clear he thinks I should return to work five days but I have asked at work and it isn't possible. We have two cars. One in my name, a small 07 plate, and a 15 plate, bigger and in his name. He uses the bigger car Monday to Thursday as he drives to work and does the school runs on those days. I catch the train. I take the small car to college on a Thursday night but other than that I don't drive Monday to Thursday.

On Fridays I have been having the bigger newer car and also on a Saturday for a few hours when I take the kids to an activity. If we go out together he drives.

He has just told me that due to me only working four days and for less money if it comes to a situation where we both need a car I get the cheaper older one as he earns more money and works more days. He shouldn't have to compromise for my choice to work four days. If I damage the car and we split up he will get the bigger car as I couldn't afford to run it and it isn't fair that I damage it and then hand it back.

He couldn't understand why I was upset or shocked about this? Am I being unreasonable to think it isn't split that way. I simply just take the bigger car when I have the kids. Or should our pay and working patterns come in to the decision and it should simply be him getting the car?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 11:00

I should add my youngest has just started school so on the Friday's I have the bigger car and drive it when the kids are at school I am on my own.

OP posts:
Twindroops · 25/10/2015 11:01

I think you have bigger issues than who gets which car, I'm sorry OP. You, of course, ANBU though.

antimatter · 25/10/2015 11:01

Why isn't he taking kids to that activity on Saturday?

NorthenFeminist · 25/10/2015 11:01

Definitely your dh been unreasonable.

Merguez · 25/10/2015 11:02

He sounds like a twat.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/10/2015 11:02

YANBU. He is.

helenahandbag · 25/10/2015 11:03

He sounds like an arse, to be honest. The issue with the car is probably the tip of the iceberg.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/10/2015 11:03

he sounds like a twat

A grumpy, nitpicking, tight twat.

HoneyDragon · 25/10/2015 11:04

He's assigning cars for in the event of a split?

Original poster
Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 11:06

We are going through a bad patch, I have admitted to him that I wouldn't be able to afford the expensive car so I would keep the smaller paid for car. I kind of assigned it to myself. We are at a cross roads about whether to stay together so I don't want to react to this comment in the bigger picture so to speak. I want to ensure I look at it in its own light and decide if I am being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
antimatter · 25/10/2015 11:06

Is he already in his head fantacising about your split?

Original poster
Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 11:07

As for Saturday activities I enjoy taking the kids, it's my choice. He doesn't make me and we split childcare etc fairly. He is a great dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 11:08

Antimatter -I think he is doing what I am, weighing up all options

OP posts:
antimatter · 25/10/2015 11:12

If both of you are on the look out for a split then do it properly.
Plate 15 car will get include in the assets.
Go and see a HSL.
Don't wate your energy on quibbles. You'd need it and more when you are divircing him.

cailindana · 25/10/2015 11:31

The car isn't the issue. If you're already discussing the finer details of a split then you need to get on and make some big decisions. Quibbling about theoretical issues is pointless.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/10/2015 11:42

This isn't a debate any normal relationship would be having. The cars would be split the most sensible way for the family to function, regardless of salaries. If all dc and all shopping fit in to the small car comfortably, then I guess him having the bigger car is fine. If they don't, then it's just stupid.

tobysmum77 · 25/10/2015 11:48

He is obviously being a twat but personally I find our small car better for the school run as it is easier to park

GabiSolis · 25/10/2015 11:54

The cars are not the issue here, as I'm sure you know. It's giving you both a convenient 'thing' to argue about while avoiding the important stuff. If money is an issue, him raising the point about you working full time may be reasonable but I suspect again that it's a distraction topic.

Trills · 25/10/2015 11:59

It really does sound like he is making plans for splitting up.

How do you feel about that? Do you want to split up?

bakingaddict · 25/10/2015 12:04

I think if you are already discussing who would have what in the event of a split then perhaps mentally you have both or at the very least he has already made the decision to call it a day? It's not the thing you say if your marriage is shaky and you are doing your best to turn it around.

I think you need to sit down with him and ask him if he honestly wants to make a go of the marriage but I think he is now seriously looking to minimize his losses with regards to the eventual divorce settlement.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 12:07

I don't want to split but I don't want to be with someone who I make miserable. I am difficult to live with, I have late diagnosed Aspergers and I miss so much of what some people see as normal or acceptable. He has set out what he needs in this relationship and without giving details that could out me I know I have to decide if I see that as acceptable. he doesn't feel appreciate or loved (that is my fault) and I am trying to address this with the diagnosis and CBT.

But I feel that my issue over shadows anything he does and gives excuses for him feeling and acting a certain way. It pushes us apart because he feels resentful to me as I act or don't act a certain way but how can I show affection to someone who comes out with things like this. I honestly don't know if he is unreasonable. All I can go off is him telling me his isn't. He is reasonable to feel however he feels as am I.

You are all right this issue symptom of a much bigger problem, but I struggle to see what is and isn't reasonable so it's difficult to discus it with him without making it about me.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 25/10/2015 12:09

He is mentally splitting I think, why else would he talk about the cars like this. If you do split your working hours have got fuck all to do with him. Or does he think if you earn more he will have to pay less in maintainence?

He is coming across as a total arse. YANBU.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 12:17

I don't think he has thought about maintenance at all. It hasn't got that far and he doesn't think about things that way. He thinks in a very narrow way, really just how it affects him.

He is very black and white thinking, he earns more therefor I should be the one to compromise. He sees driving the smaller car as the compromise I should be making as I am the one earning and working less.

I have to decide if that way of thinking is acceptable to me as I don't think he will change his opinion.

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 25/10/2015 12:23

Have you had couples counselling together? It might be an option for you to both try before calling it a day. Do you feel that his demands are unreasonable or could you change in regards to how he wants you to be?

Anniegetyourgun · 25/10/2015 12:23

I honestly don't know if he is unreasonable. All I can go off is him telling me his isn't.

Like the lady said, well he would, wouldn't he?

Just as a rule of thumb, when you're in the process of splitting it makes sense not to believe anything your soon-to-be-ex tells you is reasonable or not. This goes double for exes who tell you that marital assets should be used and divided according to who earns the most Hmm Stick to what your legal advisor (not his!) tells you is reasonable.