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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I or DH being unreasonable?

45 replies

Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 10:58

Apologies for the long post but I thought best to give the full picture. DH is the bigger earner, he works full time for more money. I work a four day week for civil service pay. I have one day a week I take the kids to school and the the shopping etc.

DH has made clear he thinks I should return to work five days but I have asked at work and it isn't possible. We have two cars. One in my name, a small 07 plate, and a 15 plate, bigger and in his name. He uses the bigger car Monday to Thursday as he drives to work and does the school runs on those days. I catch the train. I take the small car to college on a Thursday night but other than that I don't drive Monday to Thursday.

On Fridays I have been having the bigger newer car and also on a Saturday for a few hours when I take the kids to an activity. If we go out together he drives.

He has just told me that due to me only working four days and for less money if it comes to a situation where we both need a car I get the cheaper older one as he earns more money and works more days. He shouldn't have to compromise for my choice to work four days. If I damage the car and we split up he will get the bigger car as I couldn't afford to run it and it isn't fair that I damage it and then hand it back.

He couldn't understand why I was upset or shocked about this? Am I being unreasonable to think it isn't split that way. I simply just take the bigger car when I have the kids. Or should our pay and working patterns come in to the decision and it should simply be him getting the car?

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 25/10/2015 12:24

Does he not see that you looking after the children also counts as work?

Topseyt · 25/10/2015 12:28

I'd have found much of what he said insulting, to be honest.

He is being an arse, and you have admitted that there are other problems.

KittyVonCatsworth · 25/10/2015 12:28

See, I'm thinking that the thought process is as follows:
Extra income from one extra day working a week - £75 (£300 a month)
Costs of running big car one day - £25
Costs of running smaller (possibly economical car) one day - £15

Saving £10 per day, £300 per month blah blah...balance of costs but a pretty spiteful way of conveying them perhaps. Just another perspective...only you know.

Trills · 25/10/2015 12:41

It is NOT reasonable for a married couple to have different access to things, or to have less-nice things, based on who earns more.

That is not fair or reasonable.

Original poster

Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 12:43

Baking - I think we both could adapt to make it better for each other but at the moment we seem to be stuck in a competition to see who has it worse.

OP posts:

tedhis · 25/10/2015 13:51

Does he also have Asbergers or ASD?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 25/10/2015 14:03

Agree with trills. But this whole thing is a distraction. If he needs more affection to stay in the relationship but is pushing you away because he's angry about the lack of affection you really need counselling. This kind of vicious cycle really needs outside help or it's only going one way.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 25/10/2015 14:07

Totally agree with trills but I think you know this is a distraction. If he requires more affection to stay but is pushing you away because he's angry about the lack of affection this is only going one way. You need outside help to break a vicious cycle like this. Stay focused on the big picture.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 25/10/2015 14:08

So sure I'm right I posted twice.

Trills · 25/10/2015 14:10

Damn, I thought maybe TWO people agreed with me :o

Original poster

Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 14:16

I'm getting the help I need, I've been attending CBT and have been Making a lot of headway. The stumbling block I have hit is I am finding it difficult to be affctinate to someone who is angry and pushing me away. I can't make him get help and I have tried to explain many times it's not about what were were but what we both want to be. But I understand why he has been like he has. I made the monster with my behaviour.

I have come to the conclusion I just have to do what I need to prove I do care, love and want him and hope if he is happier he is less angry and nicer to me, so the vicious cycle becomes a happy cycle.

My real fear though is I haven't created him, he is just like this. He thinks of himself first and has done since we met. With my Aspergers I worry and over think everything, he just does what he thinks is right or wrong and doesn't worry about what people think. I think since I have become more aware of my limitations I don't accept his as much.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 25/10/2015 14:38

Are you sure you are the only one with a diagnosable condition in this relationship? He seems to have a very poor understanding of how a proper relationship should work and no interest in your feelings.

Original poster

Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 14:40

3littlfrogs - it's funny really as I find he straddles two very opposite of idea of how a family should be run. His dad worked shifts while his mum was home full time with the kids. If his dad was sleeping they had to be very quiet, friends couldn't visit and his mum did all of the childcare and housework etc. It worked very well for them and I don't criticise it at all.

When we got together we found ourselves both working full time. We had our first child and I went back part time. It was a struggle financially. When he was being made redundant I went back full time after having to fight work in a tribunal to get back full time.

We had our second child and I went back full time and really struggled. On agreement I dropped a day (after a lot discussion) and things settled. Money was tight.

Our youngest is now at school and he expects I should go back full time. I can't and I will admit it's better for my mental and physical well being that I get my day. I get to do the school run which I take no part in the rest of the week. I do the shopping and washing so we get a weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 14:42

Round - I think I have pushed him so far away that he doesn't see I have feelings, if I make them known he takes it very personally. It's just another example of me not caring about his feelings.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 25/10/2015 14:46

I kind of get that the Aspergers makes you react in a way that some wouldn't or over think things etc but it's not as if you just woke up one morning like that. That has always been YOU. So it's a bit unfair of him to use the diagnosis as a stick to beat you with. I would hazard a guess he is very similar! Any chance of getting him to see whoever diagnosed you?

Original poster

Chucklecheeks · 25/10/2015 14:55

I think that's what hurts Cinder, I now have a diagnosis that explains my behavioir. It states I'm not mean, uncaring or selfish. But I find since the diagnosis he has withdrawn even more. It's seen as an excuse. Of course I can be a bitch sometimes, or a little bit selfish, just as anyone without autism can be.

But I am finding I am being held to an un reachable standard and each time I fail it makes things worse. I'm being pushed away and blamed for things. Some are my fault, but it's like my behaviour negates any of his.

I need to have a big long think about what I get from this relationship. I can act as he wants me to, I can love him, it's easy to love him as I do. I don't show it in traditional ways though. If he can only see my love in a traditional I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

MudCity · 25/10/2015 14:56

YANBU. The trouble is people become very petty when a relationship is breaking down and he seems to be making calculations in his head about what he feels is his. He is, as you say, just thinking of himself rather than you as a family unit.

I really feel for you. You haven't changed, you have always had Aspergers even if you didn't have a diagnosis and he still chose to be with you and have a family with you. That said, you are quite right not to want to be with someone who blames you for his own misery.

Is he worried about money?

roundaboutthetown · 25/10/2015 15:02

Chucklecheeks - you have shown him your love by seeking a diagnosis and trying to understand his feelings. He, on the other hand, appears willing to do absolutely nothing for you and to make absolutely no effort for you. He very clearly has a problem with reasonable interactions with people, himself. If he's surprised his suggestion about cars upset you, he has exceptionally limited emotional literacy! If he is behaving like this to punish you for past behaviour for which there is a good explanation, then he is at the very least a twat.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 25/10/2015 15:03

You sound very vulnerable to gaslighting and other general manipulation and abuse from your 'D'H right now because you are questioning your own perspective so much due to your diagnosis.

MudCity · 25/10/2015 15:06

We all express love differently. And that is irrespective of any diagnosis. My DH and I express love differently (have you read the Five Languages of Love?). That is just the way it is. We are all different and we have to accept those differences in each other because it is who we are and what makes us human. If we don't like it then we choose whether we stay or leave.

Do not blame yourself for this. You are you. You are human. You may be able to address a few things on his 'list' but I really don't think you should be put under pressure to be who he wants you to be. It just won't happen because you are YOU and not an extension of him!

I genuinely feel for you and don't think you should feel guilty or bad about being you. You would have had enough of a struggle to get where you are now and you should feel very proud of yourself for everything you have achieved in your life.

I think you need to start asking the question whether you actually want to be with him? Take some control back!

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