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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH in his infinite wisdom allows DD to wander about in the dark

73 replies

BlackGirlAndRobin · 25/10/2015 05:46

DH drives me potty!

Yet again he's allowed Dd 18 months out of her cot. She's been padding around the landing for well over an hour in the dark. Invariably DD2 then wakes up DD1, so we then have both of them up at silly o'clock. Meanwhile DH is fast asleep in bed, ignoring the fact that having an unsupervised 18 month old wandering about in the dark is not on.

He doesn't get that he's being unreasonable, my attempts at teaching him how to resettle DD2 are pretty much ignored in favour of doing whatever is the least hassle for him. I am f**king exhausted with parenting alone and with him being compeletely inadequate.

And to top it off he's out most of the day for the rugby again, leaving me with tired grumpy kids.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 25/10/2015 09:39

Personally I could not continue in a relationship where the other party clearly didn't give a shit about our kids safety.

Easy to say, but if they split then the OP would have to cope with him having the children for contact and worrying about him neglecting them then!

ahbollocks · 25/10/2015 09:40

Are there not plugs or tables or anything on your landing? She could really hurt herself :(
I can't imagine anyone would find walking up and down a corridor in the dark enjoyable. Poor wee thing.

EnjoyTheSimpleThingsInLife · 25/10/2015 09:49

This is shocking, what a useless twat! Anything could happen to your dd!

He really needs to understand why this is so wrong. I can't even imagine leaving a 18 month old to wander around on her own.

If my children woke up at that age we would both get up and stay awake even if it was 4-5 in the morning.

Now they are a bit older we sometimes stay asleep and they play (or most likely wake us up anyway!)

You need to try and make him realise how stupid he is being.

ohtheholidays · 25/10/2015 09:55

OP if anything serious happened to your LO and it was as a result of what the idiot you live with had done you could be taken to court and you could loose your children!

I'm not trying to scare you and I am being completely honest with you here,I worked with children and within the safe guarding of children.What you've said has rung real alarm bells with me and it would with many other's that work in that field.

If it was a choice between my children and my husband I'd choose my children every time.

If I was you I'd make that choice now before the choice is taken away from you.

ohtheholidays · 25/10/2015 09:59

MammyTJ that's not true actually,the OP could state the reason she'd left her OH and on those grounds she could ask for supervised contact to be set up.

If she maade it clear to the autorities from the start why she'd left him and what a danger his lack of parenting could cause she should be able to get surpervised contact.

It can be in a contact center or at a trusted family members or trusted close friend or even at the OP's home whilst she's present.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/10/2015 10:01

I would be tempted to leave the house early so he has to deal with the grumpy DC

Why the hell would you suggest leaving a vulnerable child alone with an adult that you know is so incompetent that they can not even supervise the child appropreatly, that is insanity

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/10/2015 10:10

If she maade it clear to the autorities from the start why she'd left him and what a danger his lack of parenting could cause she should be able to get surpervised contact

You realise she would only get it for about 6 months don't you? Then it would be normal overnight contact. Unless she was lucky enough to have social care intervention that was supportive of her and fully aware of his lack of awareness.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 25/10/2015 10:15

So hang on a minute, exactly how long is he leaving her on her own? Are we talking hours here?

That's fucking despicable.

lorelei9 · 25/10/2015 10:18

?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what does he think will happen when she wants to get back in her cot?

I'm

ohtheholidays · 25/10/2015 10:23

Needasock not always,if a contact center was used and he showed a real lack of parenting skills then the OP could go back to court and they could extend the original plan.

ohtheholidays · 25/10/2015 10:24

OP when you said about floor to ceiling windows is that in the area where your DH is leaving your LO?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/10/2015 10:34

True but the lack of skills would have to be bad, unless you think he's likely to rock on up to a contact center and have a kip

Aussiemum78 · 25/10/2015 10:42

I've left Dd to play at 3am when she's refusing to sleep. But the difference is she's content, she's in her cot, there's a nightlight on, she has a few toys.

In my case, she laid in her cot talking to dolly and teddy and eventually went back to sleep herself. She was safe.

If Dd wasn't distressed and was able to play quietly in her cot (or bed?) and is not able to wander the house I think that's ok. Wandering the house in the dark, with floor to ceiling windows, stairs etc is not ok.

Original poster

BlackGirlAndRobin · 25/10/2015 10:55

Queen, when I've had both kids all week with zero support as DH works long hours. Occasionally on a weekend I will sleep in the spare room like a log. I make no apologies for that when there are two adults in the house. But it seems I'll have to re-think that set up.

He's an intelligent guy, works in the city, not a complete feckless idiot. I agree his parenting skills are lacking but when he wont take clear instruction from me what can I do. I do everything myself already. Then when he is here he's utterly useless.

The windows run the entire height of the house with the landing being a mezzanine over the downstairs living space, if that makes sense.

He's at the world cup match again this afternoon but meeting "the lads" for lunch/beers before hand.

Anyway thanks for all the input. I've told him we'll be having a serious chat on his return.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 25/10/2015 11:12

Wow surely this is neglect? She is in a cot so cant even get back into bed. My ex was useless and I felt like a single parent before I became one for real, however even he wouldn't have let our daughter wander around alone like that.

Absolutely terrible behaviour, why did you decide to have a second child with this man?

lorelei9 · 25/10/2015 11:44

OP, if he's been out drinking and been forewarned, I can already see you needing to schedule the chat for tomorrow I'm afraid, sorry.

it is neglect of course. What a mare. Sorry you're having this experience.

HoggleHoggle · 25/10/2015 12:49

Your h is really backing you into a corner here, it's awful. You shouldn't feel that you can't trust your dc's father to look after them. He obviously knows you'll pick up the slack and given the seriousness of what he's doing, unfortunately you have no choice but to do exactly that.

He is very, very selfish. My ds can be very hard work and I'm no soft touch, but the thought of him awake by himself in the middle of the night is really upsetting. I can only imagine how you feel. Ds also wakes at 5am every day. I would never, ever get him out of bed and leave him to it. Being a parent is hard but it's your responsibility, so if you have a child who wakes early, tough luck (I'm talking about your h here of course not you).

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 25/10/2015 13:08

That is totally not on. We have a 1 and a 2 year old and in 37 weeks pregnant and knackered. DH works 6 days a week in a high stress job but got up this morning at 5:45 to deal with our 2 year old so I could sleep. OK - the dealing with was watching programmes on the iPad with DS wedged in at the wall of the bed so he couldn't get out and DH with his arm over him for the first half hour. So probably not the most interactive parenting but DS was safe.

That is not a stealth boast btw, it's what normal parents do. Yes, DH and I do have some different ideas about parenting (hard stare at our 1 year old whom DH appears totally incapable of disciplining!) but we would both think the other had gone bonkers if we did this.

GruntledOne · 25/10/2015 13:18

What does he say about the danger issue? How would he feel if she pulled something over on herself, or put something in her mouth and choked, or put the hot water taps on and scalded herself?

Atenco · 25/10/2015 14:29

IMHO, he's doing this deliberately to make sure you don't ever ask him for help and meanwhile he is putting your child at risk.

Queenbeans · 25/10/2015 14:53

No need to make apologies OP and trust me, I've been there in the past as a single parent to two young children with no respite ever. So I know how tough kids are to parent alone. They are still your responsibility though and if you're dick of a husband can't step up then you have to unfortunately

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 25/10/2015 17:00

And when she's a little older and decides to climb up on the railings of that 'mezzanine over the downstairs living space'...?

GoldPlatedShitGibbon · 25/10/2015 17:14

Looking after little kids isn't rocket science. Gruelling, boring and exhausting, yes, but not complicated. Nobody is a crap parent through incompetency, it's a choice.

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