to wonder if it's unusual that parents who live close by don't want to visit or help with children?

[williaminajetfighter]

My parents live an hour away in London and are circa 70 but very active. We have a good relationship, no fallings out at all, but they are just not very interested in my children, aged 2 and 10. In the time that I've lived this close (4 years) they've come to visit twice and only for an afternoon, otherwise I try to travel down to see them with the children, but it's intermittently and visits only last a few hours. In all this time they've never offered to help look after the children at all; I've never asked because I just don't think it's on their radar. I have invited them to come see me and they usually decline.

My mother has spells of ill health so I totally understand that they may not be willing or comfortable traveling to see me.

It makes me feel a bit jealous when I see the help that other people get from their families but I don't think I'm going to change things now, am I? Has anyone else experienced this or are resigned to this sort of infrequent interest? I've not raised the issue with my family as I don't think I can force them to become more interested.

Yes my grown up kids help out my parents now with gardening and shopping. That's what families should do shouldn't they?

Jim why can't your sister take your dm shopping. I would say something. That is not fair and it should not be happening

jimijack Please stop taking your Mum shopping, How the hell do you put up with that?

Nope my parents both live locally to me and show little interest in my child. Don't think my mum has seen her more than 5 times in her life tbh, and not in the last year. My dad will babysit for a few hours in the evening when asked but would never offer to take DD out or anything like that. Token birthday and Christmas presents but they wouldn't buy her anything at any other time and never call to see how she is. Never call to see how I am either so that's no surprise. It's sad but I am used to it, not gonna beg anyone to be in her life to be honest. Their loss, they are quite self absorbed people but do not see themselves in that way at all. Inlaws see her a lot and overload her with presents a bit too much to be honest. It's hard to get the right balance

jimijack why do you take you're mum shopping when she blatantly favours your niece? Tell her to fuck off and do her own shopping, the nasty cow.

I get you. My parents are a similar distance and age and are obsessed by my sons and visit them weekly. The eldest goes over to stay every now and then. I am an only child and so my boys are their only grandchildren. If that matters....anyway I know of a few grandparents who don't "help" much but I do find it odd when they aren't interested at all. I'd be a bit hurt by this.

My sister's does fuck all for my mum.
My mum does not drive so I take her, she has arthritic knees, so can't walk far.
She shows me things she has bought for dn as she LOVES this cake/yoghurt/crisps/sweets/meals.

She rang me a couple of weeks ago to take her to collect dn from school As she had toothache, school couldn't get hold of my sister so rang my mum.
I had been up all night with ds who had croup, shouldn't have been driving. They had rang my mum 4 times asking when she was coming for dn
Turns out dn was lying about toothache.
So I let rip, told my mum to never ring me again, I would not be picking dn up again.
Dsis is now not talking to me as my mum told her.
I don't care. They can all piss off.

Of course grandparents are entitled to live their own lives, but why on earth would you not want to visit your grandchildren? Or help out from time to time? I'm not talking about providing round the clock child care, just wanting some involvement in their lives. Of course distance plays a part...but I live in Asia and my family still make an effort (I make much more of an effort, but then I chose to move abroad!), even my mum who would rather have her nails pulled out than commit to providing regular childcare.

I saw my grandmother lots when I was growing up and was very close to her. I'd hate for my children to miss out on kind of relationship.

I have a friend whose mother lives 2 doors away and she only sees the children once in a blue moon, yet has her other dgc overnight at least once a week. A horrible situation in my opinion!

My mil has my eldest one day a week and youngest two days a week, not as free childcare but because she wants to. Her 4 other dgc are late teens/early 20s so she cherishes her time with our toddlers as they're definitely the last dgc!

My dps see the dc at least weekly and help out my single sister with dn quite a bit, out of love rather than obligation.

I would never put on them but they are all very interested and invested in our dc, personally I find it strange that grandparents wouldn't be - I certainly will when I'm a dgm!

Yes it bothers me (the in laws) and no I can't even begin to understand it.

There are some very sad stories here. I am GM and I live 1.5 hours away from DD, SiL and DGS. I work full time, but am happy to help out whenever I am needed. I feel so honoured that DD and SiL trust me with their precious LO. I love the fact that LO knows me and smiles when he sees me. :) He has brought so much joy into my life. I would hate to have missed this special relationship.

I see the care that my mum and dad give to my children as an extension of, a reflection of the care they give me. It's more than that, though. They want to build relationships with their GC that are independent of me and my DH. And I think that's lovely. I really loved and valued by GM's opinions

So I would find your situation odd, OP.

But it does sound consistent to their attitude to involvement in your life

I am sorry it's not working out as you hoped, OP. You are entitled to feel sad about it (as are lots of other people on this thread).

You and your DH will be different kinds of parents to your children

My family live overseas but have seen my DS more than the ILs who live nearby. My MIL was adamant she'd be the first to meet him then proceeded to criticise me so much for struggling to BF I nearly kicked her out. I was emotional and in tears and she came and criticised everything. Has never ever offered to help.

My DW's parents live just over an hour away and have refused to help us with DCs on a regular basis - they might take our eldest every so often, but they won't take our youngest. They are retired, in their 60s and in good health. It annoys me that they can't look after DCs between the two of them, yet my Mum will take them both on her own.

Hi,

My parents live an hour away too and have very little interest in DC. they do come and visit us, but never speak to the DC. they just hold forth about their social engagements. they have babysat twice in 10 years. they tried to wriggle out of the second time, even though I'd booked them six months in advance because I had a work all-nighter. I emotionally blackmailed them back into it.

It used to really upset me. Now it doesn't. probably because DC are older and I don't long for help in the way I did. We see them, but entirely on their terms. DC only see them if they tag along to something their grandparents are interested in. If I asked them what DCs main interests are they'd be unlikely to be able to say. And they can spend 5 hours with us, without asking a single question about how we or the DC are.

Once I gave up wishing they were different I felt much more relaxed around them. they have their good points, so we focus on those. Luckily DPs side of the family are lovely and devoted. It makes up for it.

My DM lives a ten minute drive away. She is in her 60's, healthy, drives and is retired. She will occasionally help out on an ad hoc basis in the school hols, maybe three or four times a year, but always has to be asked, never offers. Refuses to do any form of regular childcare (even one half hour a week), and now 13 and 10, the DC have never ever spent a night there.
She does love them, but I just think she doesn't much enjoy the company of children, and most definitely prefers spending her retirement holidaying abroad rather than taking her GC out for a few hours to give us a break which would have been a godsend when they were younger.

I think it is really sad that people feel this way, it is nothing to do with already having done their bit or having their own lives, I find that attitude so strange, it shouldn't be an imposition.

We were really close to my GPs, they lived a couple of mins drive away and stayed there once or twice a week. As a married adult I still used to go round once a week for dinner then did the same once my DCs were born. My nan was very upset she was unable to look after my DCs for us as she was in a wheelchair by then due to severe arthritis.

My DPs now have a similar relationship with my DCs as they also do with my DN. We also look after DN regularly and DB and SIL do the same for us. It is normal to us and we never feel resentful of being asked and nor do my parents, it wouldn't occur to us to feel that way as we are happy to help out. My DPs even have 3 YO DN for a full day every week (they are early 60s) and my DSs overnight once a week then take them to school the following morning.

I cannot imagine not doing the same for our DCs if we are well enough to do so when the time comes.

My mum lives two minutes away, never offers to help despite knowing I struggle. One day when I was ready to kill myself by jumping in front of a bus, her only reply was "told you you shouldn't have got pregnant" I fucking hate my mum for not helping me more. I'm being sedated on Monday and she has refused to have my child for more than a hour. I have a scan of my mouth on the Tuesday and was told by her to "get a taxi there" I wish she'd realise children aren't allowed in these places! Our relationship is very strained

My mum isn't a babysitter I realise this believe me but it pisses me off she doesn't help in serious situations. She has no hobbies etc and I only ask her to help on days she's free. I can't wait to be a grandma. Me and my partner aren't even going to have any more kids (I need a section next time) but we have no child care and I don't think I can handle recovering with another child and zero help which makes me very sad.

This is so sad. And I just don't get it? My kids are 17 & 18. My parents are 5 hours away. BUT, they are involved in every aspect of their Grandchildrens lives. We visit them. They visit us. We holiday together (Majorca this year). We're meeting up in November in the Lake District (renting a house for 3 days). They know everything about the kids and what stages they're at. They always text them and call. They've even taken them on holiday, 2 weeks All Inclusive without me (just them 4). They sat up every night the 4 of them, playing cards and having a laugh. If anything big is happening, they play a part (sending up a survival pack for DS1, when he was moving to Uni Halls). If we go anywhere on hols, we have to text "landed" to them, so they know we are safe...I could go on...

On the other hand my DH parents, not so much. If we went on hols and got killed whilst there...it's maybe take 6 months before they would even know.

Takes all sorts, I guess. But OP, I would be pissed off big time, if I was you.

My parents are half an hour away and an hour away. Neither ever offer to take the DC anywhere. They would babysit if asked, but that's probably once or twice a year for big occasions only. We go out and see all these grandparents taking their dgc out for the day and it makes me so sad my children don't have this opportunity for one to one time with them. They do live our children and would claim to be involved, but although we see them quite regularly they woupd never come to Christmas plays or any events the DC are involved in out of school. It makes me sad to see just how invloved other GP's are.

My dad hasn't seen my DS for around 2 1/2-3years now and the last time was when I took him down. He doesn't come because he isn't allowed to drive on his own and my stepmother will not come because she hates both myself and my sister (because we exist), he won't come with my sister because they stay in a hotel overnight so they can spend time here and go out with us (he won't stay in a hotel without SM). I am trying to find time to go to see him (200 miles distant and I have to stay with sister as we are not allowed in his home) but I run my own business and it's very difficult to leave.
In contrast they have SM GDC many weekends and look after them a lot overnights etc. My DS has never been to his GF house and now doesn't really remember him (He is 6).

My PIL are in another European country which they are from and we go as much as we are able, MIL stays for a week with us and is practically glued to DS, spoils him rotten etc and FIL spends as much time as he is able to as well.

Fortunately my DSIS and BIL are star auntie and uncle and make a total fuss of DS which makes up for it all.

Sometimes you can't make your family situation be what you want it to. I've accepted this and yes it has been hard, but it's often better to let it go and make the best of what you do have. The regret at the end will be on their side, not yours.