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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For you all to to tell me to get a grip please

52 replies

ThisFenceIsComfy · 22/10/2015 17:47

I think I just need some people to tell me to put my big girl pants on and get on with stuff really.

It's going to sound a bit garbled and a bit pathetic really.

I have periods where I just don't have any enthusiasm for anything. Can't be bothered to cook nice meals, play in any meaningful way with my son, do anything really. I feel really snappy and tired and sad. Then I give myself a stern talking to and it lifts.

I'm going through a period like this now and I am just so sick of it. Feel like I'm letting everyone down. I let things get on top of me. I'm meant to be working on a degree and I haven't done anything for a week on it and I'm kicking myself.

My son is an absolute delight, a really lovely little boy, and I'm just failing him on these days. We still do stuff. Today we went to the library and out for lunch but the TV has been on a lot and I haven't been my usual self where I play games with him. I think this is why I hate myself so much. He deserves a mum that's great and playful everyday and I feel massively guilty.

Maybe it's a bit of mild depression but it's not a constant thing. I took St john's wort a while back and that did help. But I can't take it anymore as I'm about to start a job where all medication like that would effectively see me out of a job.

Ugh I don't know. I think I just wanted to wrote it all down too. I sound really self absorbed and silly.

OP posts:

BlueJug · 22/10/2015 20:33

Just want to say that you are not failing your son. You sound like a lovely mum. No-one is "perfect" all the time and is good for kids to learn that everyone can have bad days.

Original poster

ThisFenceIsComfy · 22/10/2015 20:43

It's truly lovely to talk about it and to know other people feel the same way. I'm very grateful for all the suggestions as it gives me some direction. Thanks again you lovely lot

OP posts:

SonjasSister7 · 22/10/2015 20:54

Agree with poster above who noticed your negative 'self talk'. You are setting very high expectations for yourself re mothering. Is it even good for your ds to feel he is constantly the centre of your attention? He might want to chill too, and if you ease off on yourself and him, that lets him take the lead sometimes. So the first thing is to change what you are expecting of yourself and saying to yourself about your mothering. You are already a good mother. Repeat after me! Every half hour!

Exercise has been shown to be as beneficial as many drugs with the advantage that it won't show up in any drug questions (as well as all the other benefits...) Do you get the chance to get out of breath maybe three times a week or so? If you can possibly fit something in every couple of days or so it could be hugely beneficial to your mood.

Original poster

ThisFenceIsComfy · 22/10/2015 21:08

I think it's more that it really is me and him a lot that I know I'm his sole source of interaction some days. He has started preschool, he does the free 15hrs but I feel more pressure to be a playful happy parent as I get a break now so have no excuse to be lazy! All of that time away from him is spent doing housework and my degree however. Exercise would be lovely. Would have to be evenings. But by the time I've put him to bed and done dinner for myself and my OH I'm knackered. Vicious cycle really.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisFenceIsComfy · 22/10/2015 21:09

More motivation needed. I think if I could kick start it then it would keep the ball rolling.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisFenceIsComfy · 22/10/2015 21:11

Also I am aware that people have much harder lives than me so I don't want to melodramatic!

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 22/10/2015 22:00

I think most of us go through phases that are just a bit 'meh' -nothing wrong exactly, just feeling a bit low, a bit flat, a bit sorry for ourselves and as though life is supposed to be a bit better than this. Stop beating yourself up, but do try the old fashioned technique of counting your blessings and remembering to appreciate the little things- a sunny day, your lovely child, etc etc, and give yourself a pat on the back for the things you achieve- like getting on with your degree, having an ok day with your son, instead of beating yourself up for the things you don't.

If a cloud descends I find it useful to check a checklist- enough sleep- tick. Multivits and iron-tick. Go for a walk- tick. Have a night out with friends- tick.

RandomMess · 22/10/2015 22:13

I have suffered from depression for decades and my lows are like this but perhaps a little more extreme than you describe (because of the longer term issue I have).

I wondered if you similarly are very overly critical of yourself? It is very easy for the "I'm a rubbish parent" thought to get escalate and start the whole vicious circle going where a bad day then quickly becomes an awful week and all you can see is everything you've "failed" at???

Why do you have such self criticism?

Notcontent · 22/10/2015 22:30

I get a lot of this.

I still manage to get through life when I feel low and flat like that, but everything seems such an effort and pointless. For me it's a combination of hormones and mild depression.

SonjasSister7 · 23/10/2015 07:30

You have an OH! Are they also ds parent? Then there must be some times when they can and indeed would like to be interacting with ds while you go for a walk/run/swim. Even just once a week. That is ready meal night by the way!
Try not to confuse being a sacrificial mum with being a good one

Fraggled · 23/10/2015 07:36

I'm with NotContent. You're not alone OP, it's hard but don't beat yourself up

DH2R · 23/10/2015 08:33

OP. Taking St John's Wort is like taking parsley - it's a food, not a drug.

Will you be letting them know you occasionally eat parsley?

;)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/10/2015 08:38

I assumed you were a lone parent from your posts - I too recognise the feeling of guilt for being a less than awesome parent at all times! But what does your partner do to support you? You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting or needing a break from parenting and house work by the way. It's ok to tell partner he needs to have him for the afternoon on a Saturday for eg while you go and do something nice.

Original poster

ThisFenceIsComfy · 23/10/2015 09:46

Morning all. My OH works long long hours so doesn't see DS during week - gone before he wakes up and back after bedtime. He is around weekends but is knackered so I don't ask him to do much.

I know it sounds ridiculous that St John's Wort is not allowed but unfortunately it's true. So is Lemsip Max by the way! It's a strange job.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Not snappy, just unmotivated but I'm going to try a bit harder today.

I know I should not feel guilty about wanting time for myself but I do. Guilt features highly in my life I've realised. Need to work on that!

OP posts:

CampariSpritz · 23/10/2015 09:49

I have felt like this too. I would go back on the St Johns Wort if I were you. It always helps me. Be careful if you are on the pill though.

And try not to be hard on yourself. Hormones/mild depression can make me feel like I am not myself at all. I am sure that you are an excellent mum: the very fact that you are beating yourself up unnecessarily shows you care. Good luck and remember that it will pass.

CampariSpritz · 23/10/2015 09:51

ps I echo the mindfulness suggestion CWales made. I have an app on my iPhone called Buddify which helps me when I am in a stress or feeling low.

HidingI · 23/10/2015 09:58

I'm in the midst of this too. I notice a definite improvement when I am taking high doses of vitamin d3, magnesium malate and omega 3. Mine is long term and I would counsel you to find ways of managing and get help if necessary as early as you can. When it sets in and you are subsumed by it, the way out seems invisible.

DH2R · 23/10/2015 10:42

OP I need to know what your new job is now :)

MrsTedCrilly · 23/10/2015 11:14

Don't beat yourself up OP, going to the library and to lunch are big events at that age! That sounds like more than I manage in a week sometimes with my 18 month old. You are doing great. X

RandomMess · 23/10/2015 11:31

I have recognised that my hormones do hugely contribute to my low times. St John's actually made me far, far worse!

I would say find a therapist (ring a few up chat to them about this issue and see if you click) to go and talk through this stuff let them help you address your feelings of excessive guilt, demanding perfection of yourself and giving yourself a hard time.

Or perhaps I am just projecting?

FFSYourself · 23/10/2015 11:35

I second ,Getyercoats post. I think it's normal to feel a bit flat or meh. I did quite often when my DC were little. I wasn't ever depressed but I was tired and a bit 'meh' I loved them dearly and I think I faked being a good Mum but I wasn't always filled with the joys of motherhood. I've the upmost respect for parents that deal with bigger issues.

I found that making arrangements to do things worked for me.

If I didn't have things planned then I would feel lazy. I used to take my DC out every single day for a minimum of a good few hours. I tried to see parenting as a job and tried to think what I would be expected to do if I was being employed by someone. I know that sounds crazy but it worked for me.

The other thing that has always been essential for me is exercise, it makes me happy and I love the social side so I always tried to fit in some exercise even if I had to do it in the evening or with the kids. Badminton is social, fun and good exercise. I used to take the kids swimming a lot too.

BestZebbie · 23/10/2015 12:17

Are you getting enough good quality sleep? You sound shattered - not so much the immediate 'I got up earlier than usual today' sleepy but the grinding exhaustion of lots of tiny events with no chance to catch up over a long period.

Also seconding exercise - even if it is just dancing and singing to loud music while doing some housework (that would amuse your baby too).

Original poster

ThisFenceIsComfy · 23/10/2015 16:53

Got some great suggestions here. I'm definitely going to get some good vitamin supplements, try to go to bed earlier, stop beating myself up when I don't do as well as I want with my son, read up on all the suggestions above.

I had a look at some counselling near me, it could help as tbh I probably have some unresolved issues from my childhood, not huge but maybe it affects the way I view my relationship with my son, I'm so afraid of being crap like my parents! It all costs money though and that's a bit tight at the moment. Maybe a more in the future plan.

Ha DH2R I would tell you what my job is but then I'd have to kill you . Not really. It's quite a mundane job. More medical restrictions than for pilots but infinitely less exciting.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisFenceIsComfy · 23/10/2015 16:55

On the exercise front, I was thinking of yoga as I used to do that many moons ago, and that's something that I could do at home in the evenings. Not reliant on my OH being at home then.

OP posts:

Allgunsblazing · 23/10/2015 17:05

OP, you could do the Shred at home. 27 mins and it's on youtube too!
I have recently bought a book called 'Mindfulness' by Mark Williams. It's a very good book.
Can you take vit D?

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