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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils and babysitting

26 replies

Littleredhouse · 21/10/2015 15:17

I'd like to see whether ppl think I'm being U...

Our kids (3 and 6mo) have 3 sets of gp - dm, mil & sfil, fil & smil. Dm and mil (and spouses) have both looked after them overnight in the past and we trust them implicitly. However, fil & smil haven't - they visit us and look after them for a few hours but have never had them overnight.

The main reason for this is that they drink a lot. Not in the daytime but every evening they drink, and not just a couple of glasses of wine - they get properly smashed. In nearly 7 years ive known them, I've never seen them skip booze for a night. I'd be worried about the kids being ill or needing them in the night and they wouldn't be sober enough to deal with them. There are other reasons also, such as not giving the kids breakfast until 9am (when they wake at 6.30 and being this young, I think that's unacceptable), not changing nappies promptly that have been worn for 12 hours o/n etc. Stuff that we've repeatedly told them about but they don't listen.

The issue is that they keep talking about wanting to take them o/n, and we have a wedding in Jan where we'll be away 2 nights. Fil and smil have nominated themselves to be the babysitters, to the point where they've arranged their holiday around it, without checking with us first!

I think dh needs to tell them candidly that we don't want them to babysit and why not, but while he also thinks they're not 100% reliable, he wants to give them the benefit of the doubt (mainly he doesn't want to upset them), tell them not to drink while they're in charge and leave an idiots guide such as 'change nappy in morning'...

I'm gonna be worried the whole 2 days but he thinks I'm overreacting...am I?

OP posts:
Snossidge · 21/10/2015 15:21

Your kids are very young. I wouldn't leave them with people you don't trust until they are older and more robust.

LemonBreeland · 21/10/2015 15:21

Since they haven't ever looked after them overnight I think 2 nights is not a good idea.

They are really quite young and won't be able to tell GPs what they want. I think if you are going to raise the drinking and looking after them thing it needs to be at another time. Also, would you trust them to follow what you ask, or would they just do it anyway?

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2015 15:22

I'm gonna be worried the whole 2 days but he thinks I'm overreacting...am I?

Nope.

Bad enough with the oldest, but with a baby? What if they dropped him/her? Didn't hear them wake in the night?

No way.

MyNewBearTotoro · 21/10/2015 15:29

Don't leave your children with anybody if you won't be able to relax for worrying.

Hopefully your FIL and SMIL would be fine and once in a place of responsibility would abstain from drinking and follow your instructions about when to feed/ change nappies etc. You say they have form for not giving breakfast on time and not changing overnight nappies but also that they've never babysat before so I'm a little confused as to how you know they won't do these things? Just because they don't abstain from drinking or step in to give breakfast/ change nappies when you/your DH are responsible for your DC doesn't mean they won't do them when they are solely in charge.

But bottom line is if the trust isn't there you won't be able to enjoy the wedding. Leave your children with someone you feel comfortable - your children's safety and well-being and your ability to relax take president over FIL/SMIL's feelings on this occasion.

AshleyWilkes · 21/10/2015 15:37

Not U in the slightest. They're your children, not a hamster or a goldfish.
My fil and smil are the same (fil is a raging alcoholic) and there's no way I would leave my child alone with them for even one morning, let alone 2 days.
Have the difficult (but necessary) conversation with your OH so you can both be prepared for the difficult (but necessary) conversation with your inlaws.
By the way who would just go ahead and arrange holiday etc without consulting the parents first?! Cheek.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 21/10/2015 15:53

Your DH's approach might be OK in a few years. Not now though. Your children are simply too young to be left with drunkards.

Listing all the factors:

Safety of children
Potential distress of children faced with intoxicated caregivers
Discomfort of children in nappies for 12 hours etc (i.e. poor treatment not actually dangerous)
Your inability to enjoy wedding for worrying.

Now ask your DH to put 'Not wanting to offend Dad and Stepmum' into that list wherever he thinks it ranks against the others. That should help you decide.

N.B., if he puts it top, LTB!

Canyouforgiveher · 21/10/2015 15:58

Not U in the slightest. They're your children, not a hamster or a goldfish.

Couldn't put it better. No way would I leave my children with people who are drunk and then hungover - and that is what you would be doing. Your dh needs to have the difficult conversation with his dad.

diddl · 21/10/2015 16:01

So the drinking aside, you already know that they seem rather lax re breakfast & nappies.

So why would you even consider any more babysitting, let alone an overnight?

If they are the only option then I wouldn't go to the wedding, it really is that simple.

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2015 16:06

How do you know they never skip booze? Surely you don't know what they do EVERY night? and how do you know they would not give them breakfast until 9 am if they have never had them overnight?
I am only asking that because you are using those reasons for not letting the children stay over.

However,..If you are uneasy at all YANBU to not allow them to have the children. You would not be able to relax and enjoy yourself.
Your DH should have a word with them.

Justmyluck1 · 21/10/2015 16:07

Of course not op.

The fact they can't see this themselves is enough to wave a big red flag.

And they will not be able to stop the drinking just like that for 2 nights.

I also got to add I can't see the big deal about having kids overnight.

We just went out and came back to our 4 and if we went away we all went. I wouldn't leave a one year old overnight with anyone other than a partner.

I realise that's just my way though and not criticising.

MissMarpleCat · 21/10/2015 16:08

Absolutely no way. They sound very neglectful.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2015 16:15

You are right and he is 100% wrong! But chances are that explaining it to them will do no good. I'd just make arrangements elsewhere. If they ask by all means tell them your reasons, don't leave it to your dh if he's too much of a coward to confront them. It'll probably cause a shitstorm but the welfare of your children is more important.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 21/10/2015 16:20

How do you know they'd do breakfast at 9am and not change a nappy first thing, if they've never had them o/n?

My parents drink every night too, but when they have my niece (aged 2) one or both abstain.

shellshock77 · 21/10/2015 16:32

Tread carefully. My DH asked his DF (very politely) not to drink the first time they were going to have DS1 overnight..he hit the roof and said he was not prepared to have any conditions imposed on him and he should be trusted etc. etc. Me and PIL are currently NC and they still have never had him (or DS2 now) overnight.

wizzywig · 21/10/2015 16:34

Give them a trial run and call them 3am and see if they pick up the phone. set other various booby traps to see if they do wake up and are alert

DoreenLethal · 21/10/2015 17:18

They have made the plans without telling you so...

'Oh - no worries it is all sorted. You should have said something before making any plans'.

Crazypetlady · 21/10/2015 17:19

My parents are not alcoholics but they get horrifically drunk. YANBU I would not leave them either.

TracyBarlow · 21/10/2015 17:25

Hell would freeze over before I would let them look after my children for two nights.

Finola1step · 21/10/2015 17:26

YANBU.

You can't leave young children and babies with someone you don't fully trust simply so that you don't cause offence.

Your DH needs to ask one simple question of his Dad. "So, if you had the dc to stay, which one of you will be the nominated, tee total driver?". And the reaction will tell you all you need to know.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 21/10/2015 17:28

No way should you leave your kids with these people.

Andrewofgg · 21/10/2015 17:30

Just say No and mean it. DH must take the lead.

wizzywig · 21/10/2015 17:32

I dont envy you OP. Dealing with misguided inlaws is never fun. Be prepared to be unpopular but stick to what you know is best for yr kids

Ooogetyooo · 21/10/2015 17:33

Is your dh a man or a mouse?
sounds like he eats cheese to me. Your children take precedence over his embarrassment at having to have that conversation with his father and step mum.

Original poster
Littleredhouse · 21/10/2015 17:38

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm glad the general feeling is im not bu! Now the difficult task of getting oh to broach the subject with them...

Re the questions about them looking after the gc in the morning: there have been a 2 occasions in the last few months where I've worked from home and they've looked after the kids for a few hours in the morning. This wasn't really a favour to us as I'd have preferred one of the other gps to babysit, but didn't feel it fair to blatantly shut them out. I came downstairs from phone meetings about 9ish to find the dc not yet fed or changed. Despite us spelling out the importance of these things. I really don't believe they have alcohol-free nights - in all the time I've known them and visited them/they visited us/joint hols, they've always got drunk every night.

OP posts:
AllChangeLife · 21/10/2015 17:49

I came in from my mother's first experience babysitting to her holding baby, and a glass of wine, drunk and slurring.

I will never let her look after him again as she cannot moderate her alcohol intake when needed.

Please don't let them look after dcs. It isn't pleasant for them to be neglected . Especially when they can't express themselves.

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