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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DS in a Christening dress...

79 replies

SarahDuckandMummy · 20/10/2015 09:52

When he is not having a Christening?

DH side of the family had been hoping to have my DS Christened. The family is not especially religious but feel this is important. DH and I, after a lot of discussion have decided we don't want to have him Christened as we are not at all religious and we didn't even get married in a church. When DS is old enough he can decide for himself if he wants to be part of a religion and we would support him in whatever he chooses.

DH parents were upset about this. They have asked if they can put DS in the family Christening dress and have photos to 'pretend' there was an event and continue family tradition.

Just to add it was only DH and his brother that wore this dress, it's not exactly an heirloom!

AIBU to say no to this? We have said no to a Christening and this seems to be undermining that.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 20/10/2015 13:54

I think it's totally weird - why would you want to pretend a child is being christened when they aren't - are they going to show the photos to people and say he has been Christened - why would you do that ? Utterly bonkers and I wouldn't indulge. No reason why you can't have some formal type photos done of your baby in an outfit of your choice if they want 'photographer' style photos.

You could have fun deciding on other outfits he could wear in the future so he could pretend to belong to a variety of religions though. Do Hare Krishna robes come in toddler size?

Sleepybeanbump · 20/10/2015 14:01

It seems very odd that they want to 'pretend' there was an event. Loopy. Other than re weirdness of this, I wouldn't mind.

Have you considered actually having an event? You can have non-religious naming ceremonies which might be nice for all of you.

Original poster
SarahDuckandMummy · 20/10/2015 14:02

My DH says its totally weird and told them no. They have mentioned to me since, think I'm a soft touch! I don't want to upset them but equally I don't want it to happen.

I love the idea of dressing him up in outfits from all different religions to keep his options open!

OP posts:
KitZacJak · 20/10/2015 14:15

It is a bit strange for them to pretend there was a christening!!! Sounds like they were looking forward to an official event to show off their new grandson.

If its that important and they are not religious why don't they host a little welcome to the family event themselves for him (so you don't have the stress and expense) and then he could wear the dress and they could get some pics?

Notso · 20/10/2015 14:21

Having photographs taken in the dress wouldn't bother me. PIL dressed DD in a babygro that all their DC wore and took pictures. They would have done the same with my three boys but they were too big!
The pretending to be christened thing is odd though. I didn't want to get mine christened. I wasn't christened. However MIL is an elder at the church and it really meant a lot to her so I agreed to it. The children have all attended Sunday school with her at some point though older ones don't go any more.

MrsJayy · 20/10/2015 14:21

I think its nuts a christening gown so they can pretend wouldntbe for me although mil knitted dd a beautiful christening shawl even though we said there would be no christening back then babies used shawls as newborns so we used it mil still wasmiffed she wasnt christened.

MagicMojito · 20/10/2015 14:48

How about the OP's Pils pick their battles? Hmm

OP he is YOURS and YOUR DH'S son. What you say goes.

Fwiw yanbu imo, Its undermining your decision to not have your DS christened and is just plain odd!

redexpat · 20/10/2015 15:26

Part of the appeal of christenings and other ceremonies is marking dcs arrival in the world, which i think is reasonable enough. Would you consider a naming ceremony? Feel free to ignore if youre not at all sentimental. I wouldnt do it entirely for pils benefit, but it might sway me if i had already thought about it IYSWIM.

notquitehuman · 20/10/2015 15:31

Sounds odd and smacks of them wanting to keep up appearances. Your child isn't a dress up doll.

Gottagetmoving · 20/10/2015 15:40

Crikey,.its a baby a dress and a photo.
So what, if the pils feel they want to keep up appearances?
No one is harmed in the taking of this photo... Worry about something worth worrrying about.

CPtart · 20/10/2015 15:56

I would say no, just to reiterate who takes the lead here in your DS upbringing. Where will it end? What will be the next disappointment? Say no.

Inertia · 21/10/2015 01:11

Similarly nobody is harmed if they don't bother with the whole pointless charade.

stolemyusername · 21/10/2015 01:46

I would assume that they would simply like to have photos that they can compare with photos of your DH in the same outfit. I would probably go along with it, it's not hurting anyone

Senpai · 21/10/2015 06:29

Why would they want photos of him in a Christening dress if he's not being raised with any religion?

It's not really respecting your choice is it?

Why would they need a picture like that in the first place? It's not like he wore it for an actual occasion.

I think a good compromise would be to take DS put him in the dress and do a photography shoot with him, and only him, so that it has the air of a newborn photo shoot and not a Christening photo. It'll look like a classic baby photo, and it might be kind of cute. That way he's still in the dress, but it has no significance past the dress. If they want it for the "dress tradition" they have it, if they want to pretend they can't. Easy.

Senpai · 21/10/2015 06:31

So what, if the pils feel they want to keep up appearances?

Because a baby is not a puppy for other's enjoyment. He is a human being who will have his own complex likes, dislikes, and emotions. He is not a doll to bring around and show off.

everybodylovesdogs · 21/10/2015 06:46

I feel a bit sorry for them. They have saved the dress for years looking forward to their grandchild wearing it and maybe they struggled to afford it at the time or put a lot of effort in choosing it. The world has moved on a bit materially and people don't often need hand me downs now. They just want a nice picture so they can say how much like dh/dhbro he looks in it.
It's special to them. Just make it clear you don't want people to think he was christened. If you say no I think they would be very hurt and it's not really worth upsetting someone over.

putcustardonit · 21/10/2015 06:54

If they want to pretend to other people that he actually has been christened then I wouldn't agree.
But maybe they just want a photo for the mantelpiece.
My MIL loves the picture of DS wearing the same beribboned & overly ornate frock as his father.

GrannyGoggles · 21/10/2015 06:59

DH says no, you say no, together you say no. So that's it, the answer is NO. To a certain extent, whether or not you're being U is irrelevant. It's your baby thus your call. They are being VVU, not to mention freaking weird.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 21/10/2015 07:57

Yanbu, of course, and unlike some I feel there would be harm in allowing this pretence. Your child is not a prop in their fantasy of the world as they would like it, and I would not be allowing them to objectify him as such.

They are adults. They will have to get over their 'hurt'. I find their request quite narcissistic, tbh.

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2015 08:37

Because a baby is not a puppy for other's enjoyment. He is a human being who will have his own complex likes, dislikes, and emotions. He is not a doll to bring around and show off

You need to tell that to all the parents who dress their babies up and post pictures all over facebook and anywhere else.
Many parents are 'guilty' of this.
Perhaps it is pride in having a beautiful child and wanting a picture to treasure.

KurriKurri · 21/10/2015 17:30

I really don't get the whole 'it means a lot to them, they have saved it for years, they wanted their grandchild to wear it' bit. they have had their turn with their children- they got to enjoy the Christening thing with their children because that meant something to them. It isn't what the Op wants for her baby.

I am grandmother age, if and when my DS and DDIL have children it will be entirely up to them what they want to do - none of my business. I didn't have my children Christened, but if they want to have theirs Christened I shall go along with their wishes and attend the day happily. I've done my thing with my kids - totally selfish to try to enforce your beliefs onto grandchildren, let your children enjoy their babies and their lives in the manner they think appropriate.

Also I don't think people can have very well thought out or sincerely held beliefs if they think pretending a Christening is a sensible or acceptable thing to do. It's bonkers.

Flossieflower01 · 21/10/2015 17:36

I'd be worried about them getting him christened. My dd wasn't christened so when we attended another christening at mil's church she got the vicar to throw water from the font over dd so she was sort-of christened anyway!!

Thespiderinthebath · 21/10/2015 17:48

Are they being silly? Yes.
But I'd give them the photos OP. They're honouring your decision not to christen their grandchild. You are making the choice to break from DH's family tradition and you kind of have to acknowledge this and cut them a bit of slack. I am totally not having a go at you. Not in the least. I just learned this over the years myself. It took me a while to give way a bit. And it's the reasonable thing to do.
A child becomes part of an extended family, a family that comes with traditions and annoyances. grin
Somewhere you have to find middle ground while still sticking to your values as a parent.
In this case, let them take the silly photos in the heritage gown. It's silly! I know. But at least they're not inflicting a real Baptism on you or forcing your hand. They're probably upset, but it's up to you and DH.
I'm a very religious person and all of my kids are baptised. My brother is agnostic and has baptised none of his kids. Each to their own. No one in the family has asked for Baptism photos, real or fake, from either of us. grin

This ^

seagreengirl · 21/10/2015 18:12

They're honouring your decision not to christen their grandchild

No they're not, they are being pushy and weird. Just tell them no OP and don't discuss it with them again.

thebestfurchinchilla · 21/10/2015 18:29

This is weird YANBU. The significance of the christening gown is that it is white to represent purity. It's very obvious that it's a christening gown and not just a formal outfit.
Have you considered a special day like a naming day or a welcome party for your baby? Maybe then your in-laws will feel included in a similar way to a christening.You could maybe go shopping with your mum in-law for a new special outfit.