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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want DS in a Christening dress...

79 replies

SarahDuckandMummy · 20/10/2015 09:52

When he is not having a Christening?

DH side of the family had been hoping to have my DS Christened. The family is not especially religious but feel this is important. DH and I, after a lot of discussion have decided we don't want to have him Christened as we are not at all religious and we didn't even get married in a church. When DS is old enough he can decide for himself if he wants to be part of a religion and we would support him in whatever he chooses.

DH parents were upset about this. They have asked if they can put DS in the family Christening dress and have photos to 'pretend' there was an event and continue family tradition.

Just to add it was only DH and his brother that wore this dress, it's not exactly an heirloom!

AIBU to say no to this? We have said no to a Christening and this seems to be undermining that.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2015 10:51

And just thinking a bit more about this 'family tradition' - well, it's not really a tradition, is it? I guess his parents wanted to start a tradition, bought the gown and used it for both their children, put it away and hoped it would be used for their children. It's not actually a tradition until the gown is used by the next generation. Could it be this desire to have a tradition that is behind their upset? And why do they want to start traditions? Do they want to see themselves as matriarch/patriarch of the clan? Or does it just make them feel more secure, closer to you as part of a continuum? I wonder if there were gowns within their families, handed down, that then went to other branches and they felt the loss?

I'm overthinking this, aren't I?

pigsinmud · 20/10/2015 10:54

Yanbu. It's weird. As others have said it's hardly a tradition. Even if the previous 20 generations had worn it, I would still say don't if you don't want to.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 20/10/2015 10:55

YANBU - it is a very weird request indeed.

It is akin to asking your DH to hire a tux and you to dress up in MIL's wedding dress and pose in front of their parish church for a fake wedding photo if you had a humanist ceremony and/ or a registry office wedding, or decided deliberately not to get married.

Fake graduation photo in years to come if he doesn't go to uni?

Fake wedding pictures for DS in his turn with a female friend if he's gay - there being a tradition of hetrosexual marriage ... Fake family pics with other people's kids if he can't/ chooses not to have children, because they were really hoping he would continue the family tradition of continuing the family... OK those are a bit far fetched (I hope)...

I would also suspect they plan to put it on display and allow friends to assume there has been a Christening, and you will then be in an awkward position of having to out them or go along with it.

Nonnainglese · 20/10/2015 10:55

It's the implied deceit that makes me squirm...... It seems stranger and stranger to me.
Pretend christening, pretend confirmation, pretend graduation....... and yes, I do know someone who dressed up as if for a graduation, had professional photos taken and for years said they'd got a First Class degree

middlings · 20/10/2015 10:55

Weird. And controlling behaviour by your ILs. Wouldn't go near it TBH.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/10/2015 10:57

Yanbu, I would be saying no!

Gottagetmoving · 20/10/2015 10:57

I can't see why you would make an issue of it tbh. Al they want is a photo of the child in the gown his Dad and Uncle wore. Perhaps they like traditions, whether it is a fairly new tradition or not.
Its a picture fgs.
What harm can it do? You don't have to have the picture but you could let them as it is important to them.
Take the religion and ceremony out of it and you are left with Grandparents who would like a photo of their Grandchild in a particular outfit. Hardly damaging is it?

Pico2 · 20/10/2015 10:57

Who do they intend to pretend to? Will it go in their Christmas newsletter?

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/10/2015 10:59

The point is Gotta that they want it to pretend that the christening has happened, it's not just about the outfit.

Helloitsme15 · 20/10/2015 11:07

There could be a whole business opportunity here for a pretend events organiser.
Want to graduate from Oxford?
Want to be a doctor? How about an airline pilot?
Dance ballet at Covent Garden?
You can have a series of outfits and backdrops for any occasion.

Gottagetmoving · 20/10/2015 11:07

The point is Gotta that they want it to pretend that the christening has happened, it's not just about the outfit

That is just a weird thing about them. It obviously matters to them. The parents know the truth so what does it matter?
It is such a trivial thing I cannot understand why anyone would be arsed reading too much into it.
Let them pretend to themselves. I doubt they will go around telling people a christening happened when it did not...unless they want to look stupid, which they will if the parents tell the truth.
Go along with the photo - but tell them you would prefer it if they did not tell people the child has been christened. If they still do tell people, it is hardly earth shattering.

Verbena37 · 20/10/2015 11:08

Very odd of them!
If you had decided not to get married, w they have asked for a pretend wedding photo?
if it were me in that situation, there's no way I'd put my DS in the dress and pretend it was for his christening. I'd stand firm in saying no.

Inertia · 20/10/2015 11:10

Why on earth would you agree to this?

Is lying about your grandchildren's adherence to religious practices part of their faith?

How about you tell mother-in-law that it's the tradition in your family for all grandmothers to be part of the Wiccan tradition, so could she dress up in appropriate clothing and pretend to take part in some rituals while you take photos?

Whippet2 · 20/10/2015 11:13

YANBU...what a weird request! I'd be careful....they are likely to get him Christened without your permission when they are looking after him as it is obvious they feel quite strongly about this.

Have you considered having a naming ceremony instead?

Original poster

SarahDuckandMummy · 20/10/2015 11:14

Thank you for all the replies. It's nice to be reassured that I'm not being too PFB.

WhereYouLeftIt I did think about a family party but decided it would be too much stress. It wouldn't be about the baby but about my parents and DH parents competing against one another and showing off in front of extended family. I can't be doing with that!

HelloItsMe that made me laugh. I think you should present that on Dragons Den maybe!

OP posts:

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 20/10/2015 11:19

Are they Facebookers?

They are going to put the photo on fb (ideally MIL will do this not FIL) with an ambiguous caption like "DGS looked adorable in the family family Christening gown" and then all their friends and that side of the family will "like" it and some will ask how they missed hearing about the Christening, and MIL will intimate that the non invitation was down to you... you will post that he wasn't actually Christened, and then everyone will think you are lying in a rubbish attempt at arse covering, or mean and evil for posting that (or attempting but very poor at gaslighting) or they will wonder why you dressed him up in a Christening gown and pretended to have him Christened when you aren't even religious... and then you will be alienated from the entire family and have to start a double whammy MIL/fb thread

Or maybe none of that will happen - its a risk though :o

aftereight · 20/10/2015 11:28

Woah, that is downright weird, and it would be an emphatic NO from me.

That is not 'normal' behaviour. They are dismissing your decision not to christen your son.

aftereight · 20/10/2015 11:32

Thinking about this more, are they intending to dress up in their sunday best and be pictured cradling your son in the dress? Or are they expecting you to dress up like the Cambridges and pose for fake photos? Hilarious!

BestZebbie · 20/10/2015 11:36

We had a 'photoshoot' (not professional photographer etc) with my DS in the christening dress that I wore, which was made from his Granny's wedding dress, without having him Christened.

It was a fun family afternoon cooing over the baby in the living room and taking cute photos of him sitting on family members and a lacy blanket, and added an extra layer of significance/association to the outfit which had been lovingly saved for so many years 'just in case'. It was also a nice thing to do for his Granny, who really liked seeing the dress she had made used again, and we all found it amusing that he mostly wanted to fold in half and lick the dress.

We have also done our own similar photo sessions at home for eg: a halloween costume, sitting on a quilt that was made for him, etc. We did not/are not planning to use the photos to pretend that he was actually Christened - if we wanted him Christened we'd have booked a church!

yellowbirdie · 20/10/2015 11:43

I would say absolutely no. That totally disrespect your wishes and is a christening all about the dress to them?

5Foot5 · 20/10/2015 13:27

Fabellini: They're not going to sneak him off and have him christened without you, are they?

This crossed my mind too. It is such a weird thing to want to do. (Pretend I mean, not the actual christening. But I fully appreciate that many people choose not to have one and understand why)

Paintedhandprints · 20/10/2015 13:38

Sounds bizarre to me. What does your dh think?

Minisoksmakehardwork · 20/10/2015 13:42

It's too weird for me. Yanbu. Let his brother have the christening dress for his dc. Hopefully the dress is a small one and your ds is a fast grower...

coconutpie · 20/10/2015 13:49

YANBU. That's a really unacceptable request for them to want to dress your DS in a christening gown so that they can pretend he was christened. It is your decision as parents, not your PILs decision. Stand your ground on this one.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/10/2015 13:52

YANBU, he's not a pet, to be dressed up.

If you let this go ahead; when he's older he'll ask you why there's pictures of him in a christening gown even though you didn't want or get him christened.

You'll then have to fudge round an explanation of his why his GPs wanted to 'pretend' he actually was for a day. Odd odd odd.

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