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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not tell my son off for this?

41 replies

TheWitTank · 19/10/2015 16:08

My son (yr 3) came out from school today, and told me straight away that he had been "naughty"and had been told off by the teacher. Just so I don't drip feed, he has aspergers and is very honest (brutally sometimes) so I have no reason to disbelieve his recalling of this incident.
Apparently, one of the boys in his class was kicking him repeatedly in the back today during carpet time, laying on him and generally being rough. My son told him to stop, moved away (boy followed) and tried holding this other boys legs so he couldn't kick, but he wouldn't stop. He kicked him hard one last time making my son cry -so then my son punched him in the eye. My son then told the teacher and they both got told off.
This boy has got form for this kind of thing, as has his older brother. I have had words with him before in the playground after school for repeatedly throwing a muddy tennis ball at my son as he hid behind me, which he then went to throw at me until I put on my best death stare and told him he had better not even think about it (his mum was in the playground and could hear this, she is useless and ignores his behaviour).
So, was ibu to tell my son that it wasn't the correct way to deal with the situation, but that I understand why he did it and that he is not in trouble? I fear I may have cloudy judgement when it comes to him as I have to fight being over protective. He is very well liked and has a lovely group of friends luckily, but I do worry that his aspergers will make him a target for bullying (especially as they grow up). I want him to be able to stand up for himself, I don't want him to think that hitting is okay but I can't bring myself to be cross with him for sticking up for himself today. I've told him to get straight up next time and tell the teacher, or use a very loud voice to say 'no leave me alone'. Should I have handled this differently? He has bruises on his back .

OP posts:

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 19/10/2015 16:15

Nope.

You've handled it just fine.

Other kid might leave him alone now.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/10/2015 16:15

I'm with you, he'd tried the softly softly approach and this other kid had ignored it. I don't think you're teaching him that hitting is OK, you've said it's not the right way to deal with it, but after being kicked repeatedly hard enough to cause bruising, it's understandable. Hopefully that boy will now realise your DS won't be pushed around without retaliating and unfortunately will probably move onto someone else.

hiccupgirl · 19/10/2015 16:15

I agree and wouldn't tell my DS off for doing as your DS did.

Tbh I'd be having a chat with his teacher if he has a bruised back and ask them to make sure the other boy doesn't sit near him anymore.

Paintedhandprints · 19/10/2015 16:16

Naw. I don't think your son should be punished for defending himself. Of course he probably should have spoken up, but where was the teacher during all of this? Sounds like she wouldn't have even known about it if your son hadn't told her.

CocktailQueen · 19/10/2015 16:16

Nope, you handled it fine! Good for your boy for sticking up for himself.

Bruises on his back? I'd have a word with the teacher.

Shakey15000 · 19/10/2015 16:17

I agree.

catfordbetty · 19/10/2015 16:17

Yes, I think you should have a chat with the teacher. It sounds as if the other boy might need more robust management.

cansu · 19/10/2015 16:19

You should make sure the teacher knows that the other child had been kicking him, but I would also be saying to your ds that he was still wrong to punch the child. He was in the classroom so could have told the teacher. I appreciate that this is probably more difficult for him as I have children with Asd myself. However I think the key thing is to drum into him as much as possible what is the best way to react. This might be by going through the incident as a social story or do similar scenarios with him and help him to reach the right conclusions. If you give him the message that it isn't wrong you could end up with bigger problems down the line. Plus at the end of the day I guess you have to ask yourself how you would feel if the roles were reversed ie Your ds had been kicking another child and they turned round and punched him. Would you have been OK with the teacher telling you she wouldn't be cross with other child because he had been provoked?

Lurkedforever1 · 19/10/2015 16:19

Yanbu. My dd doesn't have aspergers and I would have reacted exactly the same. And I've spoke to her in the same manner you did about situations that weren't anywhere as violent as what was inflicted on your son. I think it's definitely a problem to bring up with school, whilst I can see the logic in the teacher telling your ds it wasn't the best way to deal with it, it's not fair they both seem to have got the same punishment when the other lad started it. And especially considering it isn't the first time this boy has done it. In school it is up to whoever is supervising to ensure your son doesn't need to defend himself. Not up to your ds to choose between being twatted or defending himself and getting in trouble for it.

Peaceloveandpartyrings · 19/10/2015 16:20

I don't have anything useful to add but hope your little boy isn't feeling too sore.

Grapejuicerocks · 19/10/2015 16:20

Perfect handling.
I'd also have a word with the teacher - not in an accusing way but just to put his side of the story and to make sure it didn't happen again.

cansu · 19/10/2015 16:22

I am amazed by the number of posters who t hunk an eye for an eye is OK in school! If schools operated like this, many of our kids would be being punched kicked or shoved over in retaliation. The rule in schools is always no violence in any circumstances and this is to keep the kids safe. Yes the other child was wrong and should be punished, but it doesn't make it OK for OP son to punch him.

McMurphigan · 19/10/2015 16:25

Take your son straight into the teacher now and show them the bruises! Take photos of them and email the head that you wish to make a complaint that your son was assaulted and had to use force to defend himself. Nip this in the bud now! Squeaky wheel gets the oil, let the school know you will be on their back each and every time they allow someone to bully your child. Do it now so they act now. Dont ignore this.

pictish · 19/10/2015 16:26

Yanbu. The boy kicked your son hard and made him cry. Your son did well to make it clear he doesn't take that sort of crap.
As for the teacher telling them both off...that's just the price he paid for asserting himself. It's still got to be done. The boy will think twice before making a nuisance of himself to your lad again.

DixieNormas · 19/10/2015 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatsDissapointing · 19/10/2015 16:28

Take photos of the bruises and send them to the school. It takes a hard kick to bruise someone's back

I think you handled it well and in a way that I imagine he would understand.

One of my DC punched a boy in the face during a game of football and I didn't tell him off. The other boy was following him and kicking him in the back of the legs, my son would move away and the boy would chase after him to carry on kicking him. My son was a good head shorter that the other boy so I was surprised when I saw him turn around and punch him. . The teacher didn't see and the other boy didn't report my son so there was no comeback for my son. The other boy never bothered my son again.

CarlaJones · 19/10/2015 16:29

I would show the teacher the bruises or possibly take photos and show the head. They may not have realised how serious it was.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/10/2015 16:29

I would have done the same.

Unfortunately children with ASD and other disabilities are very vulnerable to bullying and the teacher should also be told by a grown up what happened

PacificMouse · 19/10/2015 16:31

Well one of the dcs teacher told them very clearly

What I'm supposed to tell you is that you should never attack back. You should go and find an adult to help you instead.
Now in reality, if someone has a go at you again and again and is being aggressive, don't hesitate to fight back! Otherwise they will never leave you alone.

I think this is an appropriate attitude.
To start with the teacher should have notived something going on if the Op's dc had to change place. She should also have noticed the other child following. And the two of them fidgetting and moving around as her dc was trying to hold his legs.
Her dc tried to right approach by telling him to stop.
That chid hurt him enough to leave bruises. Of course it's OK for him to protect himself!
Would we ever expect an adult to take knocks like this wo moving? Of course not. We would expect them to protect themselves. That's exactely what that child did.

OP please go and see the teacher tomorrow and show her the bruises on your dc's back.
I would make a point that school is there to protect your son and that they have failed, big way.
Ask her what is going to be implemented so that your dc isn't getting hurt again.

PacificMouse · 19/10/2015 16:32

Sorry I was unclear. It was my dcs teacher who told them to fight back.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/10/2015 16:37

The rule in schools is always no violence in any circumstances and this is to keep the kids safe

In an ideal world this rule would work cansu but in the real world neither kids nor teachers can be said to be safer in schools than they are outside.

Getting 'cross' with your little ds would not have served any purpose, OP, and I suggest you have a word with the teacher and show him/her the bruising on your son's back in the hope that s/he will be more alert to any further incidents of this nature which are instigated by the other dc.

Nataleejah · 19/10/2015 16:38

Your son did very well!

Lurkedforever1 · 19/10/2015 16:39

Also while it shouldn't be necessary, sometimes, for some children, retaliation is the only way to get them to back off permanently. And with any luck the other boy will leave ops ds alone.

SoupDragon · 19/10/2015 16:40

I would, and indeed have, told my son off in similar circumstances. Any punishment was left to the school though.

vaticancameos · 19/10/2015 16:41

Yanbu. My son has Aspergers and there's a child in his class who delights in deliberately tapping and hitting because he knows how much it winds him up. During carpet time too. He never ever hits first. But with carpet time apparently they must sit in the same place all the time.

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