AIBU to not tell my son off for this?

[TheWitTank]

My son (yr 3) came out from school today, and told me straight away that he had been "naughty"and had been told off by the teacher. Just so I don't drip feed, he has aspergers and is very honest (brutally sometimes) so I have no reason to disbelieve his recalling of this incident.
Apparently, one of the boys in his class was kicking him repeatedly in the back today during carpet time, laying on him and generally being rough. My son told him to stop, moved away (boy followed) and tried holding this other boys legs so he couldn't kick, but he wouldn't stop. He kicked him hard one last time making my son cry -so then my son punched him in the eye. My son then told the teacher and they both got told off.
This boy has got form for this kind of thing, as has his older brother. I have had words with him before in the playground after school for repeatedly throwing a muddy tennis ball at my son as he hid behind me, which he then went to throw at me until I put on my best death stare and told him he had better not even think about it (his mum was in the playground and could hear this, she is useless and ignores his behaviour).
So, was ibu to tell my son that it wasn't the correct way to deal with the situation, but that I understand why he did it and that he is not in trouble? I fear I may have cloudy judgement when it comes to him as I have to fight being over protective. He is very well liked and has a lovely group of friends luckily, but I do worry that his aspergers will make him a target for bullying (especially as they grow up). I want him to be able to stand up for himself, I don't want him to think that hitting is okay but I can't bring myself to be cross with him for sticking up for himself today. I've told him to get straight up next time and tell the teacher, or use a very loud voice to say 'no leave me alone'. Should I have handled this differently? He has bruises on his back .

This sounds very familiar to my DS at school!

I had a good chat with his head and teacher a few weeks ago and the Head agreed that he has a very strong view of things being "Just" and she has told me to tell her of ANY time that DS feels that things have been unjust or any niggles that he has.

The example that I had spoken to her about was a time when he had hit a child because they were hitting him and the teacher did not believe that the other child had hit first and only punished DS.

Just keep an eye on it, let your DS know that he can talk to you and that you will take it up with his teacher.

I have spoken to DS about telling an adult - but he says that they say they will "keep an eye on" the other child, but obviously cannot stand there staring at them all break and he feels this is not enough.

How the fuck did the teacher not see what was going on? Or even ask your son why he was moving?

I wouldn't tell your son off, but I would get to the bottom of it with the teacher.

Thanks everyone for your replies, some great advice here. I will have a word with his teacher in the morning, I was at work today so literally dashed in last moment and picked up where the TA was handing them all over and was understandably very busy. He is alright now, I have had a good hour of him telling me about bruises and how they happen, why, how long they last etc etc (he loves a good medical fact!). He has repeated back to me what he should do next time, and who he can tell. Thanks again.

Nope. He was told off in school for the incident has been dealt with.

I use these opportunities to talk my ds through situations (he has HFA) but I also tell him that everyone has to be aware if they start a physical altercation they have to accept they don't know how the other person will react.
This covers him learning if he hurts someone in a meltdown he has to be prepared they may relatiate tenfold.

I was also wondering how the teacher didn't notice!

Even if she didn't see the initial kicking, OPs son asked the boy top stop, moved, was followed & was then holding the boys legs!!

Sounds like you've got a scientist in the making, OP. Put his name down for King's med school.

When my son was in year 2 he has minor issues with 2 boys in the class who he would call bullies. Not sure they were, but they were a cause of concern to him and to other kids in the class too.

One parents evening we were seeking to the teacher about this and were explaining that due to they kind of person he was he could never hit them back. The teacher (very much old school) said that hitting back was sometimes the only way to deal with these issues, although I'm sure had he done that she would have had to have told him off too.

Maybe your son's teacher is similar, and was quietly celebrating the punch to the eye?

I've done the same. My son has severe SN but is very strong and in the park once one child was following him round screaming in his face and taking the piss. I told the child's dad that DS wouldn't take it for long and he better stop his child and kept moving DS but this child did not stop.

Anyway eventually DS turned around and punched him in the nose.

I just said 'no DS, we don't punch bullies' as I didn't want him to think it was OK to hit, but I didn't blame him either. I didn't punish him further

Thank you for all of your replies, it's so helpful to hear other views on this.
I must add that this is really a very rare incident with DS. He is usually very non confrontational and would avoid sitting too close to people and touching them (so this boy rolling on him would have made him mentally uncomfortable as well as physically). The only time he has ever reacted in a similar way was at preschool when a child screamed in his face and scared him so he pushed them away (he has a SPD so loud noises are very unpleasant). He is very aware that hitting is unacceptable -this is why he told me straight away-i think he just panicked/had enough/it hurt and he lashed out. It wasn't the right thing to do of course, but I do hope this has perhaps shown this other boy that he won't be pushed around and to leave him alone in the future. This boy was supposed to leaving as they have moved house so it may not be an issue for much longer fingers crossed. Will update with teachers comments tomorrow.

I think you should teach your dc to hit back in cases like this, what can the teacher do except for a light punishment? The boy didn't even get punished by the sounds of it.
I would have done the same as you and well done to your child for standing up for himself.

I think you handled it fine, but you should definitely speak to the teacher. What I want to know is why this boy was able to behave this way for so long without anybody noticing?!

I think you handled it just fine. I too would send photos of the bruises to the school. You could point out that in law you are allowed to defend yourself with reasonable force and that if the teacher had been supervising the class properly she would have spotted the assault on your son and dealt with the perpetrator thus preventing the need for your son to defend himself.

Your son did well to stand up to physcially bullying and should be applauded not punished. I agree with McMurphigan.......

... show them the bruises! Take photos of them and email the head that you wish to make a complaint that your son was assaulted and had to use force to defend himself. etc

It is a shame that this was not spotted by a teacher or TA and your son had to resort to this. It is good to tell him to use a loud voice to complain about this treatment but under the circumstances he defended himself after making it clear the other child's behaviour was unacceptable.

I agree YANBU. I would speak to his teacher anyway to clear it up and also to sort the other child out.

Yanbu. Some chn are very sneaky and do these things surreptitiously and then the victim reacts loudly and they get told off. I am a TA and I always listen to both sides and ask other chn what they saw.Primary School chn are very good at getting justice even if it means telling on a friend.

You're not saying it's ok to hit, you're saying it's wrong to hit but you understand why he did it and given him better ways to deal with it in the future (tell a teacher or loudly tell the other child to leave him alone).

The teacher has already told him off. You can't change what he's done, you can only continue to support him to handle it better.

I'm not sure if it's worth speaking to teacher, they can only deal with what they see and if she's seen your DS punch another child that's what she's dealt with. But definitely if it keeps happening then do speak to teacher. And make sure your DS knows to tell the teacher as soon as it starts.