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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel totally swamped by housework and household stuff?

26 replies

NastyOldFudgeCake · 19/10/2015 11:17

Because DH won't lift a bloody finger, and not only that but he makes mess worse. He won't put wrappers in the bin. If I clear a surface or tidy a cupboard he messes it up within hours. He won't do homework with the DCs. DCs (10 and 7) are copying his example.

Everything is left to me; housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, organising things for the kids, all paperwork, everything school-related. He wont' even put his pile of laundry away in the wardrobe, and instead just leaves it laying around on the floor until it's all crumpled and filthy again. We have just been on holiday and he just left everything to me when we got back to sort out, and hasn't even so much as put one item in the washing machine or away. He also insisted on getting two dogs a few years ago and never does anything to take care of them.

I work full time. I also run a small part time business. I take care of my elderly grandmother too as much as I can.

I have just had enough. I feel as though I am wading through treacle as no matter what I do the house is a mess. There literally are not enough hours in the day.

I have been back at full time work since the day after we got home from holiday, the house is a total shit tip. He has created so much mess this weekend it will take me hours to tidy it tonight.

I have tried striking. I have tried talking to him. I have tried arguing, crying, threatening to leave, doing a rota, asking him to do jobs. Nothing works.

OP posts:

Onthepigsback · 19/10/2015 11:25

Have you tried a separation? It's no way for you to live, he is being totally unfair and using you. I'm sure he has some good qualities but your health and life is being negatively affected by this man and his behaviour so something has to change. Try seeing him out to manage his own life in his own space and see how he gets on.

LaurieMarlow · 19/10/2015 11:26

He sounds like an arse. I hope he has some redeeming features.

Here's what I'd do. Divide household responsibilities in 2. Give him a list of what he's responsible for. If it's not done by the end of the week hire a cleaner to cover his share. You'll have to ensure that the payment for the cleaner come out of his funds in some way. Not sure how your finances are worked out, but you'll know the best way to do this.

trollkonor · 19/10/2015 12:03

I'm with Onthepigsback a trial separation is probably the only option left open to you

northernsoul78 · 19/10/2015 12:13

I have similar issues but I don't work full time. Hope you find a way to resolve it.

GloGirl · 19/10/2015 12:15

Well you threatened to leave and it didn't work, perhaps because he knew the threat was hollow?

Follow through this time it's outrageous that he won't work with you on having a good life

KatieLatie · 19/10/2015 13:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

popalot · 19/10/2015 13:08

Refuse to live like it anymore. Refuse to do his share. Leave out all his shirts. Don't clean up his mess. Don't cook for him. It will mean more mess, but at least it will be clear just how much you have been doing for him.

How can any man in this day and age possibly defend being such a lazy arse when you work too?

Then get your nice clean house back by telling him to ship up or ship out... or he can hire a cleaner to do his share. His choice but just don't break your back doing his share.

DH2R · 19/10/2015 13:15

You haven't said if he works or not? Full time, part time or?

Regardless, what a tw@t! If he's only working part time, or not at all, what a total tw@t!

But I find myself thinking, if the latter, is he suffering from something? Depression?

Nonnainglese · 19/10/2015 13:23

For a start stop doing his laundry, tell the children that things are changing as of today and give them specific chores to do- if they refuse then withdraw treats, pocket money etc.
Tell him you're getting the dogs rehomed if he doesn't buck up his ideas, and carry it through.

He sounds like a totally disrespectful tw@t, either he bucks up or that's it.

bigkidsdidit · 19/10/2015 13:43

I would leave him. I know it's easy to say that on the Internet, but the absolute disregard he has for your feelings goes beyond him just being a bit messy. He is treating like his servant.

I would rehome the dogs too.

LieselVonTwat · 19/10/2015 13:44

Is there a reason you're still with him?

Gottagetmoving · 19/10/2015 13:44

If he doesn't care enough about you to help you and do his share it's not worth staying in the relationship.
You say you have gone on strike, argued, cried and threatened to leave and it makes no difference? Perhaps he knows you will give in before he does. You have to stick to whatever action you take and do what you threaten.
Don't say you will leave it you don't mean it!
He sounds disrespectful and lazy. Don't allow your children to copy him. Give them firm consequences and stick to them.
You need to mean what you say or learn to live with it.

BitchPeas · 19/10/2015 13:48

Kick him out and re home the dogs.

You will feel much much happier.

There is no reason why an adult cannot pull their weight. He's doing it because he can and you accept it. He has no respect for you at all.

Indantherene · 19/10/2015 13:49

OP, are you me?

Has he always been like this or is it a recent change? If it's recent it could be a sign of illness.

My DH insisted on having a big dog, and after months of watching it sitting on its own because he was "too busy" to see to it I called the breed Rescue place and she was rehomed. It isn't fair to the dog(s) and it isn't fair to the person who is stuck looking after it/them on top of everything else.

Crazypetlady · 19/10/2015 14:05

He is being a twat
Take the dc's to see family for a weekend if possible.
Give him a list of what needs doing if it isn't done , leave and mean it.
Don't let him treat you that way you are setting.
I don't agree with a cleaner to do his share.
People need cleaners for all sorts of reasons but I don't think it is a good example to dc's that daddy won't fold shirts so someone will do it for him.
I feel getting a cleaner will only reinforce him letting other people do everything.
(I don't think people let cleaners do everything I just feel op oh would)

troubleatmillcock · 19/10/2015 14:59

You need to go on strike, OP.

Or leave him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2015 15:03

What does he say? Does he think it's your job, or does he 'not see it , is he an enormous selfish bastard in other ways?

I would sit him down, tell him you are really unhappy and that you are giving him one last chance. If he doesn't clean, deal with the dogs and do homework this week, his bags should be packed by Sunday. And the dogs' bags too.

AND MEAN IT.

MrsLupo · 19/10/2015 15:04

not only that but he makes mess worse

This phrase stands out for me, as my DP is like this. Lots of the things you describe are just like him (not putting clothes away, messing up surfaces, etc). In fairness, he has a great many redeeming qualities - is a loving, supportive partner and a great dad and works very hard in his job - but he has a terrible blind spot with mess. He creates a lot of mess and chaos in the house, can't seem to notice things that need doing, and has a tendency to do one job and create 10. It's caused a lot of conflict over the years, particularly, as you are finding too, because the DC tend to follow his example. I've found over the years that I tend to do more than my fair share because it's just easier that way. For a long time I struggled with this cliche of the man who 'can't see what needs doing', and with the idea that he was being inherently selfish/lazy and it really didn't sit well with the feminist in me.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I happened to read something one day about high-functioning ADD and realised that it described him down the ground. He has to be highly organised and detail-oriented in his work (which he does in an extraordinary, idiosyncratic way I can't make head nor tail of), but in almost every other respect is totally scatty and distractible. He genuinely can't keep track of what needs doing in the house, or follow tasks through to do them properly. The spirit is willing but the flesh just can't follow through no matter what threats or dire warnings I used to issue. I thought he'd completely poo-poo the idea of ADD, but to my surprise when I talked to him about it he immediately admitted he'd wondered the same thing. Since then, and now that he can reframe his behaviour in terms of a difficulty/disability rather than a personal shortcoming, he is much more open to ideas about tackling tasks one by one rather than lurching from thing to thing making the chaos worse, and I find it much less frustrating and take it less personally. The house is still a tip, mind you.

Any resonance for you, OP?

MrsTedCrilly · 19/10/2015 15:48

You poor thing, I feel knackered just reading your post. I'm tired just being a SAHM to one toddler, a cat and doing everything round the house so can't imagine how thinly spread you are. He just doesn't give a shit does he? I agree with others, follow through on your threats.

WheresMyBurrito · 19/10/2015 15:56

What a dickhead. Has he always been like this? If so, how the fuck have you lasted this long?

I agree with pp - stop doing his washing, stop cooking for him.

What is he actually contributing to your family? He sounds like a dead weight.

Paintedhandprints · 19/10/2015 16:59

Rehome the dogs and rehome your dh.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 19/10/2015 17:11

Crap example for your kids. Tell him to leave.

wizzywig · 19/10/2015 19:40

As one wise poster said on another thread: is this cocklodger october aka cocktober?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 19/10/2015 19:49

The housework thing is a red herring.

Your post to me screams like he doesn't value you. He seems like poor father as well.

What does he bring to the relationship

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2015 19:55

cocktober?

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