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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you think i should do?

29 replies

completelydone87 · 19/10/2015 02:51

For the past year and a half DP has been out of work due to his own fault of not renewing his registration (illegal to work without it) he kept telling me it was being sorted and that it was being chased up... I found out a year later that he hadn't even bothered to renew it to start with. I called him out on it and told him to get it sorted and to find another job as we couldn't survive on my wages alone..fast forward another six months and he still hasn't sorted it out and seems to think that working four hours or less a week is acceptable. Because of this it is causing issues not only financially but because I'm working stupid unsociable hours and funding everything as well as never seeing the dc's yet he doesn't seem to see the problem with this. I no longer find him attractive and feel like I'm being used as a meal ticket whilst he sits about the house all day does the odd straighten up of things then has the cheek to complain if I so much as put a dish in the sink because he's done nothing all day but tidy up after me and the dc's even tho there at school and I'm at work or sleeping for work Wibu to tell him that if he doesn't get himself sorted then there will no longer be a relationship I dnt want to throw it away and have the kids hating me for breaking up the family but I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/10/2015 02:54

You seem to have yourself a cocklodger there.
How much of the daily home life has he honestly taken on - how much housework etc. do you still have to do? Is he contributing anything useful to your life or just making it harder?

Ohfourfoxache · 19/10/2015 02:56

Personally I'd LTB - it doesn't sound like he contributes anything positive to the relationship or the household.

You might want to get this moved to relationships.

completelydone87 · 19/10/2015 03:03

He does dishes and straightens up the home and yeah he gets the kids up in the morning for school but only because i don't finish until 9am and sleep until I have to pick them up....most of the day is spent on the pc or smoking weed which is where the money from the paltry four hours a week goes, he constantly complains that he does nothing but clean even though on my days off its me scrubbing the skirting's and doing a proper clean iykwim, we have a dog we got because he really wanted one so he could get out the house and go for long walks whilst kids were at school...so far the only person who takes her for walks is me because the minute the kids start school he's back to the pc until its time for them to come home or I get up from sleeping after work

OP posts:
Fuckitfay · 19/10/2015 03:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuckitfay · 19/10/2015 03:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMarpleCat · 19/10/2015 04:27

You seem to have got yourself a cocklodger there
^this
a weed smoking one, even worse.

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 04:49

OP, I think you know what you have to do.

If you were to get your partner to leave home how how you would manage with child care if you're not getting home till 9am? Could you change jobs, even give up work and claim benefits, in order to be at home for them?

One last thing. Dont beat yourself up for being in this situation. Sometimes things get really bad before we have our lighbulb moment and think to ourselves - this is not working.

LadyLonely1 · 19/10/2015 06:03

You really shouldn't take on the entire responsibility for keeping the family unit together. He created it with you so has an equal obligation. Do you think your kids
Growing up with a weed smoking, useless pathetic lump is in any way a good example for them.
Leave him and your entire life will improve. Also asking him to change if he can't see it himself would be a huge put off.

fuffapster · 19/10/2015 06:14

Yes he needs to be read the riot act. You should not have to be shouldering so much work and responsibility when he is not doing his fair share as an adult.

The first thing he probably needs to do is stop smoking so much weed. It is debilitating and is probably clouding his judgement.

Maybe he needs help to stop - it's not so easy if you have real habit. Marijuana Anonymous may be useful: www.marijuana-anonymous.org.uk/

WildStallions · 19/10/2015 06:29

Look, he has lied to you, about a very serious matter, for 18 months.

And he's addicted to weed.

There is absolutely no way I'd want to share a house with him.

I honestly would not put up with this for a second longer.

Do you have a spare room? If so an au-pair could solve your child care problems.

Flambola · 19/10/2015 07:32

He sounds like a nobhead. Don't bother with an ultimatum, just get rid of him. What a joker.

LindyHemming · 19/10/2015 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohtheholidays · 19/10/2015 08:16

He smokes weed all day,only works 4 hours and won't even walk the dog he wanted?

How old is he,he sounds like a teenaager who's acting like an arsehole!

Our oldest son is 19 and he works full time 5-6 days a week and he's doing course work at the same time and he offers to walk our 3 dogs for us.That's a teenager with no children,no wonder you don't find the overgrown child your living with attractive.

Kick him the fuck out and I hope for your childrens sake he never smokes that crap around them!

Nonnainglese · 19/10/2015 08:21

He's an irresponsible, selfish dickhead.
What is stopping you from kicking him out? You'll hardly be worse off. He's clearly got no intention of changing so make his mind up for him.

Arfarfanarf · 19/10/2015 08:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bloodyteenagers · 19/10/2015 08:27

i would give him a month to sort
Himself out. Stop the weed, get a job and be more than a waste less lump stinking up the place. Or he can live elsewhere.

Pidapie · 19/10/2015 11:27

Total dealbreaker :(

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2015 11:31

A month isn't going to do anything. He hasn't the incentive to give up weed. Nothing will be a big enough incentive.

I'd start to make plans as to how you can live without him.

Cloppysow · 19/10/2015 11:44

Cock lodging stoner. He's got it all justified in his own head.

Whose house is it?

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2015 14:20

If it's illegal for him to work without registration is he legally allowed to live here?

Arfarfanarf · 19/10/2015 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pilates · 19/10/2015 16:03

What profession is your husband?

He needs to shape up or ship out.

formerbabe · 19/10/2015 16:03

What a catch...not!

I'd get rid...sounds like you'd have an easier life without him.

Grapejuicerocks · 19/10/2015 16:15

You don't paint a pretty picture of your life op. I couldn't manage on that amount of sleep. The moment any partner lied to me (small white lies possibly excepted), the relationship would be over, and this was one huge lie.
Time to put in place those exit strategies before he knows you are going (post in relationships).

At least you'll get a break when he has the kids, which is much better than the no break you get now.

Muckogy · 19/10/2015 16:25

oh christ.............. another cocklodger.
is october cocklodger month or something?