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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset that I haven't had a birthday present this year?

32 replies

Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 13:51

AIBU? Feeling really crappy.

I have had to ask my OH and DC not to buy me a birthday present this year.

This would all be okay apart from the fact that this happens every year. My OH insists we holiday abroad every year although we can't afford it. We always return with an overdraft. His birthday rocks up shortly afterwards and I always buy something nice for him, because I want him to feel loved. Our YS has a birthday just before mine and of course, we always make sure he has a fantastic birthday and lots of lovely things. Then, each year, my birthday rocks around shortly after and by this point, I am so anxious about the position we are in financially, that for the past 4 years, I have had to ask him not to buy me anything just so we can claw our way back into the black. This year, we had arranged a sitter so we could have a meal. We ended up with frozen pie and mash at home.

I feel absolutely worthless. I am a working mum with two very busy DS's and have NO time in the week for myself to exercise or see friends. Stick that on top of not even having a birthday present this year and I feel absolutely awful; unloved, worthless and depressed.

However, I just don't see any way out of this. We HAVE to claw our way out of this financial mess every year. The kids can't go without.

I feel like I am being selfish feeling like this. Sad

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/10/2015 14:00

Oh wow! Well there's a lot in there Op isn't there, really not so much about the birthday present as, well, everything. Sorry you're feeling so crappy and Flowers happy birthday, belated or not.

Why is it that you feel so responsible? I understand about finances being tight but it seems your OH isn't anywhere like as wound up about it. You say he insists on a holiday, how come he gets to decide? Do you need to sit down worth him and reexamine your finances, attitudes to spending etc? If things really are bad financially it needs addressing.

While a birthday present in and of itself isnt ahuge deal I wonder why you make a point of ensuring everyone else gets one and then also make a point of insisting you are not to have one? I don't mean to sound critical but it's like you call their attention to the fact you are willing to go without for them.

Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:06

OH is really pants with money. Regarding the hole, I am bloody awful when it comes to compromise; I always give in. Anything for an easy life, I guess.

And it is definitely not the case that I am trying to get their attention. I am just scared and anxious that we will dig a deeper hole for ourselves.

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Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:06

Hole!!! holiday!!!

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Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:10

We sit down several times a year and talk money, but he just doesn't get it. We had our bank cards stopped last year and I had to go into the bank and ask why. The manager sat me down and showed me the spending. It was all little stuff and all my OH.

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OwlinaTree · 17/10/2015 14:11

Sorry you feel so low.
Thing is, if for the last 4 years you've said no present, chances are they have all taken that at face value and don't maybe realise that it is a big deal for you.

Maybe next year you could suggest to your dh that you would like a small gift, or a cheap day or night out. Explain how you felt this year.

Also it sounds like you guys need to look at your budget, the worrying over money will not make you feel better.

OwlinaTree · 17/10/2015 14:13

X post there OP. Could you give your dh one of the pre paid cards with a set amount each month if he's a fritterer?

SoupDragon · 17/10/2015 14:14

Your thread title is all wrong because I think what you are actually upset about it not the not having a present but more that you feel you have to say you don't want one. The present is a symptom of the problem, it isn't the actual problem.

The only solution is sitting down and going through your finances with a fine toothed comb and coming up with a proper budget that includes putting money away, properly allocated, for holidays and birthdays.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/10/2015 14:15

Ok but you're not getting an easy life are you? You're stressed, wound up and feeling " absolutely worthless". So something has to change and if he's useless with money he's not going to be the one to change it. I think you need to sit down and do some sums, the have a conversation with OH.

A holiday abroad is lovely but not a necessity every year. Would you feel less stressed if you could agree with him now that this is off the table for next year?

You say you're not trying to get their attention but (and sorry to be an armchair psych)insisting that you do NOT want a present and then feeling disappointed and worthless when you don't get one suggests you might have hoped they'd still do something. To me at least. Which I would see as setting yourself up for disappointment and setting them up to fail a test they didn't know they were taking.

ilovesooty · 17/10/2015 14:15

Perhaps he should have gone into the bank and had that conversation.

Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:18

You are spot on, SoupDragon. It is totally that I feel that I have to say I don't want one.

We have sat down many times regarding a budget. My DH, whom I love deeply, just doesn't see the greys in budgeting. Everything is black and white and that is where we trip up.

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Nydj · 17/10/2015 14:18

Why do you insist on buying a present for your OH even though it is shortly after the holiday? You say you 'want him to feel loved'? Would he not feel loved that you have just come back from a holiday that he insisted on even though the family cannot really afford it? Don't you deserve to 'feel loved'?

I think you have sort of landed in the position of family martyr and are, annoyed that no one seems to appreciate your sacrifices. Time to stop being a victim. Take control of all family finances, if your OH cannot be trusted to spend sensibly, then perhaps he should have a weekly cash allowance only? Save up from the family money so that you can afford some nice things for yourself.

Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:21

You are right, Can'tSleep. This is the first time though that I have felt upset by not getting a present. But something has to give and it has been me. I cannot justify spending money on myself when we are in such financial straits.

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Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:22

I do feel like a martyr, Nydj. I am not annoyed though that people can't see the sacrifice, just that it has happened repeatedly and I am having to rescue us again.

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Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:25

I have talked about a weekly or monthly cash allowance. I think it is time to sit down with him and, despite having been married for 15 years and together 23, say that we have to have a weekly allowance. He has always railed against that before, but you are right, I have got to grab the bull by the horns and resolve this once and for all.

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CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/10/2015 14:26

In that case chuff you can't justify spending it on DH either so put a stop to that.

I think the pp has a point re falling onto the role of family martyr, sorry if that sounds harsh but it happens to a lot of people I think especially when you are with someone who doesn't take a lot of responsibility for dealing with finances.

My DB is dreadful with money, A number of years ago SIL had to take full control of all finances and remove his access to bank account. She now gives him a set amount of cash and that's it, she sorts bills, plans spending, holiday money etc. Pretty extreme I know and it does mean she has all the responsibility of making sure the sums add up but the stress of never knowing if they'd have enough to meet essential bills was something she couldn't cope with.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/10/2015 14:30

I don't really get it - is £10 for some flowers/choc/wine going to make that much difference - a birthday present doesn't have to be expensive. It does sound like you're being a martyr, why?

Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:34

Right. Thank you. I needed a good talking too and I got it. You are all bang on. I have adopted the role of martyr, rightly or wrongly, all with good intentions but I refuse to feel like this another year. I think it is time that I took over the finances. OH has always "overseen" that aspect and I feel that is why we are where we are. Time to be proactive. Thank you, lovely people. I needed that. xxxx

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ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 17/10/2015 14:34

It is very martyrish to go along with all this spending of money, then insist you can't afford anything for your birthday, and then complain you don't get anything for your birthday.
You go on holidays you can't afford, you buy your DH gifts you can't afford, then you do it for your son. And you blame it on your DH being poor with money.

You are a grown up. Take responsibility, stop spending money you don't have, and then you will be able to celebrate your birthday if you like.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 17/10/2015 14:35

x post!

Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:36

Costa - because I am a stress bucket - panicked and concerned. x

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cardibach · 17/10/2015 14:37

Gita not just his holiday spending, though, is it? You buy him a nice present and 'lots of lovely things' for your DS. If you didn't spend so much in them there'd be some left over for you. He spends too much on a holiday, you spend too much on other people's birthdays.
Budget required.

cardibach · 17/10/2015 14:39

Gita? I typed it's...

Original poster
Chuffinknackered · 17/10/2015 14:40

Point taken, Cardibach.

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CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/10/2015 14:42

Good on you Op, no more going along with things for an easy life, time to take control Smile

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/10/2015 14:43

Flowers Belated birthday to you Chuff

Have you had a look at Moneysavingexpert? There's loads of advice, info and budgeting tools, but not just you sit down with DP and have a look, look through the forums - I'm wondering if he's sticking his head in the sand but when he sees there's a ton of other people who are budgeting and still managing luxuries here and there it won't seem so daunting.