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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for present back

34 replies

Dollymixtureyumyum · 17/10/2015 08:45

Ok I won't but I bloody well feel like it.
SIL is 34 and her birthday is 4 days before DH who is two years younger.
We both now have a DS so we suggested to her two years ago to stop buying for adult birthdays and just buy for the kids. Cue major strop from SIL. She constantly acts like a petulant child so we let it go for my inlaws sake (they bore the brunt of her tantrums).
It was her birthday 4 days ago and we got her nice watch and a box of chocolates. DHs birthday yesterday and she got him a card and announces she can not longer afford to buy birthday presents and it is now just the kids!!!
AIBU to think cheeky mare for
A-having a major strop when we suggested it before
B- Waiting till DHs birthday after we had got her a nice present to let us know she was no longer doing presents.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 17/10/2015 08:47

YANBU. Definitely cheeky mare.

RealityCheque · 17/10/2015 08:49

That's what happens when you reward bad behaviour. You should never have pandered to her childish strop.

She's a silly cow. Anyway you now have what you suggested along with the moral high ground.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/10/2015 08:50

I never think it appropriate to ask for gifts back but I actually think you shoulds say something in this case. 'I think it was ridiculously cheeky of you to insist we kept giving presents and then decide it's too expensive to do so, after you got yours. I think I'd like you to return it because your attitude was just appalling.'

Isitchristmasyet4 · 17/10/2015 08:54

Just do what I did with my cheeky sister and take it when she's not looking Grin ok I'll explain..
We both agreed last Xmas exactly what we would be buying eachother (she was getting me a bath bomb and I was getting her a teeth whitening kit) I kept my side of the bargain, Xmas morning infront of my parents I presented her with her gift and she didn't even address that she didn't get me one (she bought parents and our brother) so later that day I got a new teeth whitening kit Wink

RealityCheque · 17/10/2015 08:56

Do NOT say anything OR ask for it back.

It's a pissing contest - why let her know you are pissed off and hand her little victory to her?

clam · 17/10/2015 09:12

"why let her know you are pissed off and hand her little victory to her?"

She's already won her victory, to her mind. Received a nice present and didn't give one to her brother. Call her on it!

lavenderhoney · 17/10/2015 09:15

She sounds a peach.

I wouldn't say anything but I wouldn't get her anything again. She shouldn't have accepted the gift - citing she couldn't reciprocate.

I once suggested to my dsis I only bought for her DC ( I was single and had hoards of nieces and nephews and adults to buy for, and they used to give me a list of what to buy. Never cheap as " you dint have anyone else to pay for" and used to get about 6 tubs of talc back:) so it was easier to say just DC. Dsis went ballistic and told me I was the most selfish person ever and refused to allow me in her house until I gave in. She wanted a present...

Witchend · 17/10/2015 09:17

At least she let you know this year. Dh's db let him know as he accepted his birthday present and dh pointed out that he owed him three years. "Oh I decided then I wasn't doing birthday presents for my siblings any more".

Dh and his dsis were both Shock as he hadn't said anything to either of them before that.

However when I decided after my ds' 6th birthday and he hadn't got him a present either (he had occasionally for the girls) that I wasn't going to bother getting his dc presents because he's obviously decided he doesn't want to swap children's presents, he's suddenly become much better at remembering. Hmm

VintageTrouble · 17/10/2015 09:17

Just say "why didn't you say that before your birthday?"

No need to say it in a shitty way, just see what she says

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 17/10/2015 09:18

At Christmas (when you're not buying her a present) enthuse very loudly and at length about the most amazing, fantastic, unique present that you were desperate to buy for her but, alas, you couldn't due to the new "No Present" rule.

Decline to actually name the present as you may well still buy it (after all it's so totally amazing) for another family member.

whilst inwardly seething and saying "Feck off you bitch I hate you"

pictish · 17/10/2015 09:39

Well...you're not supposed to give to receive and all that, so asking for the gift back or even expressing the injustice would make you seem as petty and graspy as she is.
Write it off and breathe a sigh of relief that you won't have to buy the silly cow another one.

ToastedOrFresh · 17/10/2015 09:39

It smacks of deliberate IMO. At least you know where you stand for next year. She sounds like a prize bitch. You might have to let her pull this one last 'stunt'. At least you are agreed on birthday presents in the future.

Could that read across to Christmas presents too......? Just a thought. Anyway, no offence, but the chocolates will get eaten (ask her how's the diet these days ? Or, wasn't there a product recall on that brand of chocolates yesterday ?)

Make a point of asking her in a few months if that watch you got her is keeping time. No offence but a pound to a pinch of dirt she won't remember getting it. You could really ramp up how nice it was and how long it took you to choose it and you were glad you bought her something so nice for what turned out to be THE LAST PRESENT YOU WOULD EVER BUY HER.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 17/10/2015 09:42

Really?! Mumsnet surprises me everyday as it reveals the existence of such folk. Here's another one and this time it's an adult who:

-strops about not getting a present on their birthday when they're in their thirties
-is then indulged / given into (IOW their strop is rewarded)
-then changes the terms of the agreement for the benefit of themselves and to the detriment of others
-is not immediately challenged for moving the goalposts (which can be done in a reasonable, calm, rational way)

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 17/10/2015 09:42

People are allowed to change their mind, so I disagree with A.

however, I do agree that she is B really very U in accepting a gift from you so soon before announcing her change of heart.

However (again,) gifts should not be conditional on getting one back again.

Chalk it up, move on and remember for future years Smile. You may feel she has won some sort of victory but ultimately, she will come off worse if she always treats people like this.

YakTriangle · 17/10/2015 09:54

If it's brought up again, announce how relieved you are that you no longer have to buy gifts for her, and how rude she was to decide on gifts for children only after you had bought her something for her birthday. She needs telling how inconsiderate she is but don't try to get the present back from her.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/10/2015 09:56

What a grabber, right you know what you must do next year then, now you know where you stand with her.

Gabilan · 17/10/2015 10:00

Just keep asking her what time it is.

Around every 2 minutes should do it.

clam · 17/10/2015 10:36

Gabilan Grin

scalliondays · 17/10/2015 10:53

Think I like the idea of your dh taking it back when she's not looking and then telling her why! Sounds childish but then she's not being very mature.

ThatsDissapointing · 17/10/2015 11:10

Oh dear, I think you have been played Wink

I'd also ask her why she didn't tell you before her birthday.

expatinscotland · 17/10/2015 11:13

Lesson learned. Stop pandering to her and next year, give her a card.

Gabilan · 17/10/2015 11:16

There is the potential to get really inventive and quite nasty if you can get hold of the watch whilst she's not looking and alter the time on it. "What's the time, sis? Really, are you sure? I think that watch I gave you might be faulty." "We'll be leaving at 10 sharp." "Sorry sis, you weren't there, we left".

IguanaTail · 17/10/2015 11:16

Very poor of her, but it seems to be in character!

LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 17/10/2015 11:19

We decided to do this. One year we got a phone call from fil. Sil had been complaining to him that we never bought her dh a birthday present. Dh told him to ask for a comprehensive list of gifts she had ever bought me. :o How strange to bitch about someone else but you do the crime yourself.

Just before their first wedding anniversary (they married 8 months after us). We got a phone call from fil. Naturally. They (he and mil) didn't think our (intended) gift of a cheque (paper) was very good. It didn't show much effort or thought. Dh says to his dad "What did she say when you obviously had this conversation with her about her gift to us?" That's right. A cheque. For £15. Hmm :o

sleeponeday · 17/10/2015 11:23

Her poor child. If she's this much of a childish nightmare, she can't be much fun as a parent.

I'd let it go. You can't win with someone like this. Just distance yourself as much as you can, but if IL ever try to fight her corner with your DH again, remind them of this and refuse to be drawn in again.

Families can be such a PITA.