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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it was a mistake to start drinking at work parties?

30 replies

Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 07:08

The question in the OP probably doesn't make complete sense, so I'll explain!

I'm two years into my first job and after a lot of struggle things are finally going well. I've moved to the location I wanted, I have more visibility and I think I'm doing well.

Now, I'm a lightweight, so I never usually went out drinking with work colleagues to the pub etc on Fridays. I just didn't want a situation where I got tipsy and said the wrong thing or acted foolishly. But I realised that this negatively impacted my career because the people who drank with the bosses were getting all the good projects. I also felt that perhaps, as the newbie, I needed more opportunities to bond with my team and get to know them in an informal, relaxed setting.

So I gradually did start going out to the pub for a few drinks after work. And it worked!!! I was getting on better with my colleagues, I even ended up making some good friends.

Let me be clear- I didn't get drunk, or act inappropriately. I stuck to what I could handle without acting like a fool.

Recently though, from some senior (all male) colleagues, I've been getting the impression that they're judging me? I don't know what sense that would make because there are people in the team who get absolutely smashed at these events and not a word is said about them.

But I feel that perhaps in the eyes of a few of these people, I'm taken less seriously now. I could be imagining it, but it's some offhand comments and the fact that sometimes they avoid me at these events (I could be imagining this too)

Am I overreacting? I really want to go places at my work, and I was just looking for ways to connect with the right people.

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Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 07:12

Or could it be a sense of chauvinism?

that women are judged differently for drinking with work colleagues?

I've also got the feedback that I'm too serious and formal, which makes me less approachable. So gradually, I've also made it a point to loosen up and use these nights out as an opportunity to joke around a bit, be more open and casual.

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/10/2015 07:14

I wonder whether you're overthinking things. If you're not getting smashed and stupid, I can't see why they would react differently.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/10/2015 07:15

I do agree that in some work places you benefit from joining in Friday drinking.

catfordbetty · 17/10/2015 07:18

You sound very eager to be what other people want you to be. Try to value the person you are.

There's nothing wrong with being serious and formal.

Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 07:21

Not smashed and stupid at all- but I'm definitely a happier, and more chatty person after a couple of drinks Grin most people have reacted well to that, but I've just had the impression that some are slightly judgy?!

For example one of these senior male colleagues told a friend of mine at work that I was at a night out "drinking vodka like a fish". Not only is this completely untrue, it's also unfair because he was the one who was ridiculously drunk after 7 beers.

And yesterday, at the pub with this same colleague I jokingly said I was great at giving advice but he was like - hahaha, I don't believe you. And then later he got drunk himself and started showing everyone pictures of his son's poop. Hmm

It's troubling me because this person is important and I want to impress him.

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Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 07:23

Catfirdbetty- I am, perhaps. This job means a lot to me and I'm quite eager to do anything that will get me ahead. I'm just worried I'm not doing it right!

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LadyLonely1 · 17/10/2015 07:29

I do think you are way overthinking it. There will be many people who don't drink for other reasons.

tobysmum77 · 17/10/2015 07:29

This job means a lot to me and I'm quite eager to do anything that will get me ahead.

This may well be one issue as it smacks of desperation. I don't think it's always true that the harder you try the more success you have at work. You need to make them believe they are lucky to have you. This is more complex than being eager to please.

Also it may not be the environment for you it sounds chauvinistic and jobs for the boys to me.

Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 07:36

It is a job for the boys (and what environment isn't intrinsically chauvinist?) but this is the line of work I love and I'm not going to change it.

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MrPorky · 17/10/2015 07:44

I had exactly the same situation - I used to take all the drinks they gave me and abandon them half full so I could "keep up"

I honestly think it will have more to do with your conversation than your drinking. Tbh "I'm great at giving advice" seems like slightly scary flirting for a man with a new baby (so presumably a partner)

Stick to talking about work, family and football

ImAllTorque · 17/10/2015 07:56

Two years into your career? Sort of like a trainee lawyer doing their training contract and then qualifying?

You're way overthinking it. My entire working life has been spent in a very chavinistic field. Lots of colleagues go drinking together - younger, older, male and female. Equally, Lots go home on time so they can get back to their partners/children. Some dont drink alcohol for religious reasons. Socialising together has never, ever resulted in anyone getting "better" projects. It seems to be a way of blowing off steam in a very pressurised working environment.

What does your line manager say in your yearly appraisals? Is volume of alcohol consumption part of the criteria?

Longtalljosie · 17/10/2015 08:21

I'm sure it is just sexism, but to be entirely sure - how much vodka did you have? I don't think I'd have more than 3 V&Ts on a night out with colleagues tbh exactly in case I started talking crap...

Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 08:24

Every work environment is different. Perhaps in yours is a perfect meritocracy, but it isn't the case everywhere.

In my office, people who build relationships with managers outside of work as well, are more likely to do better.

My yearly appraisals are really good- I've been told im doing very well for my level and that I have the definite potential for a promotion.

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Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 08:24

I had two vodkas and didn't finsih the second one.

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Longtalljosie · 17/10/2015 08:25

Oh God - well in that case you have nothing at all to worry about apart from the appalling double standards of your colleagues. If you were telling me you'd had 10 it might be another matter Grin

Queenbean · 17/10/2015 08:27

In those examples that you've given, it sounds like they were joking / bantering with you

My advice is to stop being desperate to impress, take a step back, work hard, get your head down and do everything that's asked of you and more, join in on drinks but alternate alcoholic and soft drinks so you don't get hammered, relax and enjoy yourself. But always stay professional, don't say something outrageous just to try and get a laugh as that will massively backfire!

Queenbean · 17/10/2015 08:28

Saying to someone who has had two drinks "you drink like a fish" is clearly a joke

Same as saying to someone who is very quiet and barely speaks "oh john, he never shuts up! Can't get a word in" type of banter

fastdaytears · 17/10/2015 08:30

As you didn't hear this comment For example one of these senior male colleagues told a friend of mine at work that I was at a night out "drinking vodka like a fish". Not only is this completely untrue, it's also unfair because he was the one who was ridiculously drunk after 7 beers. first hand, is there a chance that he was actually being approving? As he likes going out and getting drunk could he be pleased you're in his "club"? When I was more junior and in bigger firms, older, male partners always wanted us to drink with them after work and it was difficult for people who didn't want to or couldn't. We all just saw it as part of getting on, and part of work so 2 drinks is totally fine. Hammered isn't but I don't remember that happening.

razmataz · 17/10/2015 08:32

I agree it's probably nothing to do with your drinking, particularly if you're not actually getting drunk or stupid.

The example you give indicates to me that it could be more to do with your conversation - maybe to you it seems chatty and jokey and to them it seems needy or braggy? Hard to say what the context of 'I'm great at giving advice' was but it sounds like a slightly strange comment to make to a senior colleague?

Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 08:34

I wasn't flirting with anyone at all by the way! I know a lot of people who hook up with people from the office, but I've never done it and never will. It's too awkward and unprofessional.

Also, just to clarify, he's divorced, single and his son is 10 (yes that makes the poo pictures even more stranger)

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fastdaytears · 17/10/2015 08:36

Ah just read the "great at giving advice" thing. It's not like you stuck your tongue down his throat in a lift but it probably did sound a bit presumptuous and/or flirty. Nothing to panic about, just try to stick to topics that don't suggest personal relationships in the future. Bitching about receptionists is usually safe, or major sporting events. Basically avoid money, politics, religion and how their personal life is going!

fastdaytears · 17/10/2015 08:38

Not suggesting you were flirting at all! Just that it could have been interpreted as that. We all say stuff that comes out in a way we didn't mean. That's definitely not just you!

Poo pictures for a ten year old is much more of an issue! You have some ODD colleagues.

Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 08:38

The advice comment wasn't directed at him, we were all chatting in a group. There's a running joke in the office about advice, particularly regarding restaurants (long story) someone else had loved the restaurant if recommended to her and that's where the whole conversation strayed.

I wasn't in any way implying I was going to give him advice nor was I flirting with him (I'm mortified at the concept)

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Nicebucket · 17/10/2015 08:40

Sorry for spelling errors.

I agree, I never discuss politics, religion or anyone's personal life. Although some people love telling me about theirs, in which case I just nod and make noises to indicate I'm listening...

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Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 17/10/2015 08:49

Nicebucket I don't know what these people think of you but trying to gauge what people think of you and pandering to it is the path to madness.

You are who you are. Do your do, be the best boss you can be and drink as much as you feel is wise.

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