AIBU to think it was a mistake to start drinking at work parties?

[Nicebucket]

The question in the OP probably doesn't make complete sense, so I'll explain!

I'm two years into my first job and after a lot of struggle things are finally going well. I've moved to the location I wanted, I have more visibility and I think I'm doing well.

Now, I'm a lightweight, so I never usually went out drinking with work colleagues to the pub etc on Fridays. I just didn't want a situation where I got tipsy and said the wrong thing or acted foolishly. But I realised that this negatively impacted my career because the people who drank with the bosses were getting all the good projects. I also felt that perhaps, as the newbie, I needed more opportunities to bond with my team and get to know them in an informal, relaxed setting.

So I gradually did start going out to the pub for a few drinks after work. And it worked!!! I was getting on better with my colleagues, I even ended up making some good friends.

Let me be clear- I didn't get drunk, or act inappropriately. I stuck to what I could handle without acting like a fool.

Recently though, from some senior (all male) colleagues, I've been getting the impression that they're judging me? I don't know what sense that would make because there are people in the team who get absolutely smashed at these events and not a word is said about them.

But I feel that perhaps in the eyes of a few of these people, I'm taken less seriously now. I could be imagining it, but it's some offhand comments and the fact that sometimes they avoid me at these events (I could be imagining this too)

Am I overreacting? I really want to go places at my work, and I was just looking for ways to connect with the right people.

I spend most of my life telling my DD3 'be your own person" when she's struggling with being part of the crowd.

Being someone else is madness. I'm a nurse and my priority is being the best nurse I can be. If I make friends on the way, that's great. But I won't change who I am to do it.

In 30 years in the workplace I have made it a rule to never drink alcohol in a work-related situation. Take part in the event and socialise yes, drink, no. The only time in recent memory I did do it was at the after-dinner drinks on the last night of a major event that I organised. The event had gone well in spite of the venue seeming to do its level best to sabotage it, so I had spent three days in the swan position - sailing beautifully across the surface while paddling like hell underneath.

Late on the last night, one of the partners said "come on, have a drink, you can relax now". Three margaritas later, I was the life and soul . For ever after in that job, I was a legend - in an entirely positive way. From what I can gather, my colleagues loved the fact that they saw another side to me, respected my normal professional non-drinking stance and enjoyed being able to do gentle teasing afterward - as a senior, older woman, they were never just quite sure how to play me.

Everything in moderation, especially when you're just starting out and don't give anyone even an inch of stick to beat you with.

It sounds to me as if you've played it perfectly, OP.

I've had many separate working environments, all in the same field of business. Socialising IME has always been an individual's choice and has never been a bar to promotion. However, I've seen that personality clash often has been. Maybe you need to seek the recognition that youre apparently so desperate for with another employer who will appreciate your ambition?

Your post indicates that youre not really sociable and you come across as having a bit of a superiority complex. Maybe this is the reason why people are avoiding you, as you're hard work?

You've had feedback that youre "too serious and formal" and "unapproachable" This does not translate as you needing to get hammered with your colleagues. It means you need to take the pole out of your arse.

Sounds like you have a good handle of the situation op. I think the senior guy was just making a joke about the drinking like a fish. It's good to wind down outside of work, but not to much, and also be seen as professional inside of work. Makes you more approachable but not a walk over.