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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really irritated by this woman's attitude and want to make a complaint?

33 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 16/10/2015 21:03

There is a young guy on my uni course, 'X', with aspergers. Everyone on the course (fairly small classes) and all the tutors know about this.

There are a few women who have not been particularly nice about it and keeps making comments but there is one woman in particular, '?', who is really getting on my nerves with her attitude.

For example, X kept sneezing loudly during the class. Pretty obviously not doing it on purpose to annoy her but Y was getting really irritated and kept making comments about how annoying he was being any how pisse off she was getting. She was sitting about 2 feet from him at the time, he has aspergers he's not deaf!

She loudly comments that she prefers it when he isn't there and makes little snarky remarks about him all the time.

I'm really quite angry about it and feel like I should say something to the course tutor to ask them to have a word with her about it.

I know it's probably passive aggressive of me but I hate confrontations and I have to be on the course with her for the next few years and I cba with dealing with her bitching if I say anything. Everyone has noticed her saying things so it wouldnt be obvious it was me.

Aibu to consider doing this? I am possibly being oversensitive as my ds has autism and I can't bear the thought of people treating him like this. X doesn't seem to have noticed or care very much but tbh that isn't the point to me. She is behaving like a bully and she wouldn't dare be that openly hostile to someone NT. Aibu?

OP posts:
LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 16/10/2015 21:05

YANBU.

She is a bully.
Report.
That boy has a mother too (most likely) and she would be grateful.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 16/10/2015 21:07

YANB over-sensitive at all!
Bad things happen when good people do nothing.
Do the right thing, OP.
TBH, I would tell her face to face in front of the boy and others "that's not very nice, Y".

DoctorDoctor · 16/10/2015 21:11

YANBU and do speak to the tutor, but I would also really urge you to screw up your courage and say something yourself. As a tutor, I can speak to people like this but it has a really powerful effect on students who are not behaving well to know that their peers don't like it, rather than it 'just' coming from an authority figure. Could you talk to some of the people you do like in the class and get them on side? Even if it was you doing the talking, if a few others would stand there with you so that you could say 'WE don't like the way you talk about..', it would make it easier to do.

JeffreysMummyIsCross · 16/10/2015 21:17

Yes, do tell the module tutor. I'm a lecturer and would want to know if this was happening.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 16/10/2015 21:18

I was on the verge of saying something earlier. It was on the tip of my tongue but I was trying to concentrate on some complicated maths at the time and I missed my window :/

I really don't want to create an atmosphere about it but I'm not going to be able to stay quiet for long if she carries on!

OP posts:
YakTriangle · 16/10/2015 21:18

Yes you should complain. She sounds vile.

Asteria36 · 16/10/2015 21:24

Make a complaint - ask assurance that you will not be named in the matter if you do not feel comfortable being singled out as the complainer.

Sighing · 16/10/2015 21:25

Do complain to the tutor / student rep about her singling out this other student for negative comments and ask her to stop talking when SHE is disrupting things (as you describe). "Could you keep it down?"

MissMarpleCat · 16/10/2015 21:27

Definitely tell your course director and the tutors, I bloody hate bullies, the poor bloke.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 16/10/2015 21:29

Oooh yes she was making more of a racket than he was with all her loud bitching and complaining!

The worst bit is she has ME herself so she should know how it feels to have a disability but I gets she missing her empathy gene.

OP posts:
LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 16/10/2015 21:51

Don't want to scare-monger but how would you feel if this boy did something stupid because of what was happening? Someone has to take responsibility. Be that person. Say something. Stand up for the vulnerable. And fuck her. Noone else will like her. I'm sure you can have other friends on the course.

My brother was very badly bullied at school and I told the teacher if anything happened I was holding her responsible.

frigginell · 16/10/2015 21:54

Your feelings are completely valid. You are not being over-sensitive. She needs to be told to back the fuck down. Ideally, you should keep your ears out and jump on her the second she makes the next undermining comment. That will make it more difficult for her to slither out of it, and highlight the unacceptability if her behaviour to the other students. But yes, if you really can't bring yourself to say anything, tell the tutor.

Asteria36 · 16/10/2015 22:00

ME doesn't stop you having empathy being a bitch does

herderofcats · 16/10/2015 22:02

If you're further away from the lad, you could offer to swap places with her?

It's possible she finds it difficult to concentrate with distractions.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/10/2015 22:08

So she is bitching about someone with asperges, smacks of disablist behavior to me,
This needs reporting.and dealt with

BeanIontach · 16/10/2015 22:13

good idea from herderofcats. she sounds a stupid small-minded beeotch.

Scremersford · 16/10/2015 22:16

You have posted about this before I think and seem very invested in it. Obviously you are posting on mumsnet which is very pro AS rights and promoting MH issues, but equally, the university has to provide a suitable learning environment for all students. There is no compulsion for students who are disturbed by another person's behaviour to ignore it. And it can only be a matter of time before someone points out that Y may have high functioning AS herself: the strong reaction to noise and disruption to concentration and distressed comments is a bit telling.

I think you should leave it to the tutors to deal with and spot problems which should be addressed, as I suspect turning it into a big issue will be more harmful in the longer term. Imagine if you complain about Y, Y gets spoken to and makes a complaint that her education is suffering because of disruptions from X. Y may be moved into another group, but if she refuses to go, X will be moved. X then becomes known as someone who other people have issues with.

Its only mid October, your course must only have been running for a few weeks at most. Perhaps you should give it time to settle down. Just because one student is autistic does not mean other students are not allowed to have difficulties too.

Booyaka · 16/10/2015 22:18

Do you have a decent student union and does it have a good disabilities officer? I would speak to them, they may well be able to give you some good advice and advocate for this boy.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 16/10/2015 22:18

I understand if she finds it hard to concentrate with distractions, I definately find it harder but I also understand that he can not necessarily help the way he is and needs to be dealt with the patience and understanding. Of course he can't be allowed to disrupt the class and no one say anything but at the same time there is a way of going about it that can benefit everyone and what she's doing isn't it.

I mean, he was sneezing ffs! What did she expect him to do?

She made some other comment about something he was doing, something like 'well he should just not do....' or 'well he needs to learn to....' as if she is some fucking expert on what he should and shouldn't do.

I want to think that maybe if she was better educated about his condition she might have a bit more compassion but I suspect not :( I can but try though.

OP posts:
Scremersford · 16/10/2015 22:40

I want to think that maybe if she was better educated about his condition she might have a bit more compassion but I suspect not sad I can but try though.

I find that really rude. She is there to be educated but you cannot expect everyone to be an expert on AS and autism, nor to want to be. You sound very condescending and dismissive of people who aren't clued up experts on MH issues. Its an FE environment and you sound as if you expect it to be more like a school where teachers strongly prescribe the behaviour.

I mean, he was sneezing ffs! What did she expect him to do?

What would you expect anyone to do if they were constantly sneezing to such an extent that they were disrupting other students' concentration in a tutorial? Is there any other behaviour that contributes to her reactions?

I just wonder if you are over-invested in this because of your son. This is your interpretation of things, but I doubt its a case of her being an evil bully and the other student that you honestly sound a little obsessed with having to have everyone else accommodating him. I really don't think comments about getting other students to gang up against her are appropriate in a FE setting. Its not school. Although tutors have to deal with these issues when they crop up, honestly they would rather not be dealing with disciplinary problems.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 16/10/2015 22:53

I find her picking on someone with a disability who is still a teenager rude.

He was sneezing. He wasn't screaming and dancing on the tables. And it wasn't constant is was maybe 10 times over the course of the day. He might have had allergies (they had recently cut the grass), whatever the reason I doubt she would have said anything at all. She was causing more of a disruption to the class by talking with her friends and giggling loudy and complaining about X's sneezing

No one else complains about him, I think probably many people find him a bit irritating but no one else makes these comments, both behind his back and practically to his face. She moans about anything and everything he does.

I don't expect the tutors to prescribe the behaviour but I do expect and almost 30yr old woman to not pick on a teenager with a disability. I would have hoped that she didn't need to be told not to act the way she is acting.

I realise I probably am over invested in this but I can't help it, the way she is acting is wrong and she knows he can't/won't defend himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 16/10/2015 22:55

Oh, and another thing, at one point she even suggested that we all (members of the class, about 13 of us) approach the tutor about him with 'all our issues with him'. Surprisingly no one has taken her up on this as no one has that much of a problem with him except her.

OP posts:
Cloppysow · 16/10/2015 22:55

Strong reaction to noise and distressed comments = high functioning aspergers? Or it could just mean intollerant. Or easily distracted. Or in my case hearing impaired. It doesn't matter what the reason is, there's no good excuse for being unkind at best, a bully at worst.

OP, dig deep and stick up for this kid. It doesn't have to be aggressive, but you can hold a mirror up to her in front of her peers.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 16/10/2015 22:57

I doubt she would have said anything at all - sorry, forgot to add, if it had been anyone but him sneezing, ie anyone NT.

OP posts:
Booyaka · 16/10/2015 23:38

Scremer autism isn't a mental health problem, it's a developmental disorder.

And tbh I really can't square a queen bee sitting giggling with her friends and trying to orchestrate complaints from the class and having the confidence to bully like this with someone with AS.

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