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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of an overbearing family in law...

26 replies

NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 19:56

Oh I am such a bitch, but my DH had such a different upbringing to me. He and his sister (late thirties now) are so reliant on their parents while I lost my dad early, and neither parent was particularly "parental", ie. alcoholics, more reliant on me etc. I am quite independent as a result I think...

I've been married for 5 years and we have a DD, and generally we're so happy. But the in laws, and SIL who still lives with them, come over a few times a month, and his dad who is in his 60s does jobs around the house. I am grateful for this (honest!) but I feel like we should be doing things ourselves more (my DH has an inferiority complex and thinks he can't, possibly because of criticism from FIL? and also is probably lazy and it's easier to let FIL do it) It feels like every time anything happens in the house/ with car etc he just calls Dad. AIBU to think that this is... I don't know... bad? Or is it just weird to me because I haven't been reliant on my parents since I was, err... very young...

I just think that if something breaks, we either fix it ourselves or work out how... do we always have to go running to the in laws? I have lived on my own a lot before and I survived...
Also, we're getting away for a few days over half term, and he's just informed me that his family will be staying in the house to get a few things sorted and jobs done (there is nothing major needing doing...) and it just makes me so uncomfortable!!

AIBU? I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/10/2015 20:07

I'd feel a bit uncomfortable with this too if it's as often as you've outlined, it just seems a bit well, immature I suppose. On the other hand they are probably a close family and this is their norm so I think it's a matter of striking a balance, agreeing some boundaries maybe?

You and DH need to have a conversation as you really shouldn't be "told" people are staying in your home because they've decided to do some stuff that you presumably didn't ask them to.

Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:12

That's a very good point. Thank you

OP posts:
Scarletforya · 16/10/2015 20:15

I'd have a shit fit. Tell him to grow up and how dare he tell them they can stay in yours!

I wouldn't have that.

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2015 20:16

I suggest you inform him right back that actually his family won't be staying in your house.

Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:17

I'm so glad you feel like that. I feel like I'm maybe mental.

OP posts:
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 16/10/2015 20:19

Hmm I think maybe I'm a bit like this. It's mainly because my dad likes helping though. It makes him feel useful. We have 2 very young children and childcare is not his thing so I think it's his way of taking the pressure off us a bit. No, we don't need him to come and put a curtain pole up for us but he likes doing it.
I wouldn't like anyone staying in my home, and definitely not without my agreement, but otherwise it seems fairly harmless to me, if a bit too often!

Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:19

I should add that we will be "holidaying" in their caravan, so maybe they feel a right to stay...? And I would be ok with it I think, if it weren't for the "we'll do the jobs around the house for you" thing... Agh it's so messed up. I'd gladly holiday elsewhere, and do the jobs ourselves... ungrateful behatch...

OP posts:
Joopy · 16/10/2015 20:21

I have exactly the same problem. Any problem we have, my husband immediately says his mum or dad will sort it but I am fiercely independent I absolutely hate asking people to do things. I would also like my husband to resolve problems without running to his parents. He says that's what families do but I find it suffocating and think it's much better to teach your kids how to deal with problems rather than doing everything for them. My MIL is always going on about if I need help I should call her, but I don't need help and I find it a bit irritating it's like she's implying that I can't cope. I have no advice just solidarity, are your in-laws a different nationality?

Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:22

Yeah, but I don't think FIL loves it too much, as he has to do the odd jobs for all extended family and friends... but he does like to be useful, another good point. And he loves us staying in his caravan.

Aggh. I think I'm hormonal.

OP posts:
Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:22

They mean so well. I'm just not used to it.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/10/2015 20:30

If you're married 5 years though has it come out of nowhere or is it just that its increased in regularity? Or maybe it's just finally starting to do your head it Grin

I think you need to sit DH down and tell him that you find this difficult. It doesn't have to be a row, you can acknowledge that people are different and your not criticising his family but that you prefer eg not having people staying when you are away, agreeing in advance what needs doing on the house and whether or not fil should be asked. Let him know that you are not used to being so dependent and it's a bit suffocating.

CPtart · 16/10/2015 20:31

FIL is like this. SIL and BIL live next door to PIL and almost every day FIL calls in with "Any jobs?!" BIL is a grown perfectly capable adult with two DS. Completely weird, and slowly building resentment too!

monkeysox · 16/10/2015 20:33

My parents were like this and I have now lost them both. Maybe you need to realise families do help each other. My in laws are bizarre creatures and I wish for the warmth my parents had.

sleeponeday · 16/10/2015 20:36

This would make my skin crawl, tbh - not them as people, not at all, just the feeling that I had no real privacy at all. I appreciate that it's well meant, but there are no boundaries, no sense of you as independent adults, and wtf is my sole reaction to being informed that anyone will be staying in your home without any prior discussion.

Your DH needs to grasp that his parents are not your parents, and that his familiarity and comfort with them being all over his life is never going to be shared by you. Why would it be? You met them as a grown, capable, independent adult.

sleeponeday · 16/10/2015 20:36

I think CantSleepClownsWillEatMe is very sensible.

Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:37

Thank you guys, no not out of nowhere, am just stressed this week. When we moved into our first house they got the keys before us and had put curtains up etc before we even got there. They meant well but I cried my eyes out!
I'm conscious as well of their daughter, who really needs a life of her own. She just hangs around with them and their 60 yr old friends, I feel so sorry for her, and a part of me knows dh would have been the same had I not snapped him up, haha!

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/10/2015 20:44

Nic I sympathise and it is a tough one. My dad can be a little like this although in a different way (he's bad enough but I think if he showed up and started doing "stuff" and moved in while I was away I'd lose my reason aaargh)

The thing is IMO it's a gradual creep so if you don't start to address it now it may get worse and you end up feeling more and more resentful with no idea how to stop it as its gone on too long. And before you know it you're on MN complaining your mil lets herself in daily to rearrange your kitchen cupboards and leave your freshly cif'd sex toys displayed on the dining table Wink

MissMarpleCat · 16/10/2015 20:46

Sounds like DH and sil have been infantilised by their parents.

Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:54

Haha hahaaaaaaa! Oh can'tsleepclowns you are so right!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 20:56

Yeah. It's kind of depressing. But I'm kind of glad it's not just me that sees it. Thank you.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 16/10/2015 20:58

When we moved into our first house they got the keys before us and had put curtains up etc before we even got there.

This would have upset me incredibly, too. They took away all the excitement of the fresh start, the starting a journey together, all of it. That's awful, and their good intentions don't alter the fact that they inserted themselves into a rite of passage that should have had absolutely nothing to do with anyone but the couple involved.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/10/2015 21:03

Yes sleep unfortunately some people become blinded by their own good intentions and by the time they're done all the "good" has been long lost...

DisappointedOne · 16/10/2015 21:03

None of DH's family visit us these days but the last time they came FIL took it upon himself to plant a load of bulbs he'd brought in our garden and another plant that looks like a giant weed and say nothing. Fucker.

Original poster
NicLovesCheese · 16/10/2015 21:13

Suffocating is definitely the word, I need some boundaries. Think I should talk to dh when I'm calmer

OP posts:
LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 16/10/2015 21:18

I thought YWBU til I got to the bit where they're moving into your house to do DIY.

Although, look at it this way - it's kinda like when one checks into a hotel to get away from the drilling & general building site!