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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dc1 has come home upset are they BU?

53 replies

systemusername · 16/10/2015 16:59

I have name changed so other posts aren't linked. If you do recognise me please don't out me. Dc1 is in secondary school and has SN. Many of the sn pupils have fidget tangles to aid concentration.
The senco in school gives these tangles out but some parents have purchased spares.

There has never been an issue with this. The school however have a new acting head who seems to be trying to assert her position. Today she has said in assembly allegedly that tangles must be used in pockets and If she sees any child using theirs out of their pocket she's going to go round and confiscate EVERYONES.

DC1 is distraught. A. They are struggling at the moment and struggling with anxiety and b . They are rather protective about belongings and often has panic attacks if they think they have lost something and HATES if things feel unjust.

I have no issue with backing school rules but taking an sn aid from an sn child on the basis of another childs actions seems a bit mean.

DC1 is really struggling at the moment and I have been struggling to get them to go to school and now they are worked up over this.

OP posts:

GruntledOne · 16/10/2015 18:25

Does your dd's statement or EHC Plan say that she should be allowed to use fidget toys? If so, you should point out that it would be unlawful to confiscate them, and indeed it would be unlawful to insist that they can only be used in the child's pocket: some are designed to be used with two hands, and anyway in class I suspect teachers would rather children's hands are on the desk rather than fidgeting in their pockets. If it isn't in the statement, I suggest that ask that it be written in.

bialystockandbloom · 16/10/2015 18:28

I would email/write and ask for confirmation that this is indeed a new policy she is introducing.

If she confirms it is, I would write and explain exactly why this is a) unfair, b) discriminatory, c) unworkable, and d) might result in your dc refusing to go to school. Include all the background about your dc in particular so she understands why this would affect your dc in particular.

I have no issue with backing school rules but taking an sn aid from an sn child on the basis of another childs actions seems a bit mean.

I have no issue with school rules too, unless they will necessarily discriminate against my child because of their particular disability. Which imo this would do. Fidget aids are there for a good reason.

insan1tyscartching · 16/10/2015 18:37

I would remind the acting head that the school are legally obliged to make reasonable adjustments and you consider the use of distraction aids a reasonable adjustment and failing to make reasonable adjustments would be contrary to the Equality Act.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/10/2015 18:41

They are rather protective about belongings and often has panic attacks if they think they have lost something and HATES if things feel unjust.

I'm an adult with no SN, but I feel exactly the same as your DC. In fact, over the years I have lost a handful of items unfairly and I still feel panicky and distressed to this day when I think about it. I think the teacher needs a firm talking to about this - ideally from the SENCO - and told in no uncertain terms that she will not be implementing this policy.

SurlyCue · 16/10/2015 18:43

Forgive my ignorance but what exactly is her issue with the tangles being visible?

LittleMissAIBU · 16/10/2015 18:47

She sounds very ignorant and like she is on a power trip I certainly would speak to the senco, I don't see why they should be kept in pockets, and to confiscate everyone's is just ridiculous, I can totally understand why it's upsetting for the children!

Our head isn't very good dealing with SN, and if parents question her at all about the support for their children, she suggests if the school isn't meeting their needs they go elsewhere! Parents aren't asking for anything ridiculous, just what their children are entitled too. She is on a power trip too

Original poster

systemusername · 16/10/2015 18:48

I dont know SurlyCue

OP posts:

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 19/10/2015 13:35

Thanks to all who replied.

We are in the uk. I never realised there was such a thing, or that it had a name!

The ones in the link look good.

bigsnugglebunny · 19/10/2015 13:49

I would be so, so angry. To send sn children home on Friday with this hanging over them - my dc would be inconsolable all weekend.

That is not on and sounds like this person is on a power trip, I would kick up as much of a stink about this as you can to be honest.

Email, call, make an appointment - threaten with the local newspaper. I know that sounds like an overreaction, but as a fellow parent of children with sn - getting through each day's challenges is hard enough, without petty wannabe head teachers imposing ridiculous rules on children unable to defend themselves.

catfordbetty · 19/10/2015 14:06

Do you know the reasoning behind the acting Head's policy about these items?

Original poster

systemusername · 19/10/2015 15:22

I think she sees them as toys to be honest. A lot of the non sn kids have been making stress balls from elastic bands. She has threatened to take and bin those but included the tangles too with this.

Waiting for them to call me back.

OP posts:

catfordbetty · 19/10/2015 15:36

It must be possible to discriminate between these two items. As a teacher, I can understand why elastic band balls might be unwelcome.

On a side note, I deplore the sense of furious outrage recommended by several posters on this thread. Doesn't anyone present their concerns in a calm and reasoned fashion any more?

LeafyLafae · 19/10/2015 15:47

To punish a group for the act of an individual is against the Geneva convention... Is the head aware of that?
(They also cannot use labour, unpaid, as a form of punishment either btw)

PacificMouse · 19/10/2015 16:11

Have you hear about the HT yet?

I just can't understand what on earth is going through her mind?

Why is it an issue if the tangles are visible? I remember as a child a lot of other children you were using everyday objects exactely in that way (pens, rulers etc...).
Also going in effect against what was the SENCO advise is

Bubbletree4 · 19/10/2015 16:17

If someone removed my ds's fidget tangle, he would have a complete meltdown. I mean he would be able to do nothing, he would be in a heap on the floor screaming. It's more for anxiety and comfort than concentration for my ds so in a way, worse than if just for concentration.

Your head teacher sounds pretty ignorant. I'd go in and talk to them. Some children who are not ordinarily violent could lash out over this.

Original poster

systemusername · 19/10/2015 16:30

Mine uses it for anxiety too bubble.

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 19/10/2015 22:10

Do you have a Teaching Advisory Service in your area? Ours is amazing and have really supported us when we have had concerns with schools. It does sound like this deputy needs some very, very basic training on SN, especially autism.

It does seriously fuck me off that teachers who would be petrified of putting a toenail out of line over racial or religious issues are so gung-ho and cavalier when it comes to neurodiversity. I suspect that a lot more kids are on the spectrum than anyone has the least clue about, and this approach is pretty well guaranteed to cause massive stress and distress. It's like a 101 of what you don't do.

We had similar with a Teaching Assistant who tried to stop my (then 5 yr old) using his chewie necklace in a sports session. The head was really, really great and very supportive. I hope your head is likewise.

sleeponeday · 19/10/2015 22:12

On a side note, I deplore the sense of furious outrage recommended by several posters on this thread. Doesn't anyone present their concerns in a calm and reasoned fashion any more?

Do you have a child with a neuro-developmental disability?

catfordbetty · 19/10/2015 23:29

Do you have a child with a neuro-developmental disability?

No. In fact, I don't have any children.

sleeponeday · 20/10/2015 02:48

Ah.

catfordbetty · 20/10/2015 08:04

But I have been a teacher for more than 30 years and taught many children with neuro-development disabilities.

honkinghaddock · 20/10/2015 08:20

I would present in a calm and reasonable but persistent way to the school but I would still be fuming at the stupidity of that teacher.

sleeponeday · 20/10/2015 09:18

But I have been a teacher for more than 30 years and taught many children with neuro-development disabilities.

And that equips you to understand how it feels when your child starts, aged five, to talk about running to the nearest main road and throwing themselves in front of a truck because they can't take school any more, does it? You know what it's like to have to hold their hands while they fight you at three am because something at school is freaking them out beyond endurance and they are clawing their own skin, and crying in their sleep?

You have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. The arrogance in believing otherwise is as staggering as it is unsurprising.

sleeponeday · 20/10/2015 09:20

I would present in a calm and reasonable but persistent way to the school but I would still be fuming at the stupidity of that teacher.

Yep. The ability to advocate appropriately doesn't preclude the personal and private belief that some people are unfit to be entrusted with the care and development of a potted plant, let alone vulnerable children.

Scarydinosaurs · 20/10/2015 09:24

Email and cc in senco and ask for clarification, plus justification.

Reassure your DC that you are dealing with it.

If they are objecting to the misuse of tangles by individuals, deal with the individual.

This is ridiculous.

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