To feel let down by my parents

[PippedPopped]

Background, I do not use my parents ever for childcare. They are late fifties/ early sixties and in good health. Live 15 min away. They will take my children occasionally, but not as a favour, they will ring last min to say they'll have them for x hours at x time. It's often inconvienient but for the sake of the chi,dress relationships I normally rearrange my day. It could be weekly, or not for months.

I'm expecting my third baby, and I'm having a bit of a problem with childcare if it's nighttime. I know the day I'm induced. My friends are great, will drop anything in the day to help with childcare and I have many offers. However nights are harder, I have two under five and it's a bit much to ask friends with their own children to take them.

My parents wouldn't babysit that night if I went into labour, I'd only want dh there for actual birth so unlikely to be a long sit. I could have a friend there by morning so they could go to work, my kids sleep well, the commute is no further for them from mine.

It just feels a bit crap that mums I barely know at school and my new neighbours have all offered to help, mostly in trickier circumstances, but my parents aren't inclined.

Whilst it would be entitled to expect regular childcare I'd have hoped they'd bother for a one off. My last child was prem and so my arranged childcare was unavailable so I ended up giving birth alone as dh had dd (you can actually see the hospital from their house)

I'm lucky, I have a good relationship, security and friends so I don't dwell or get upset easily regarding my parents. We just raise our eyebrows, but this has been a bit too far and shaken me.

To be fair to my grandparents my parents moved to another country, hence the lack of support

I had similar in that my mother refused to help out with childcare when I was having DC4 (planned induction). I had to give birth alone too as DH with the other DCs - a scary VBAC together with anxiety from previously having a stillbirth.

She did live a distance away but she did not work and we would have provided transport. Stepfather needed her at home so she could do his dinner apparently. They turned up the next morning after staying in a local hotel overnight without letting us know they were here, stayed 10 minutes and then left without even holding him as they were on their way to my sister's (stepfather's DD) to look after her DCs while she went on holiday.

That sparked a confrontation about her disinterest in my DC.

We are NC now (her choice).

It sucks and they are being utter bastards. It is OK to feel like that OP, even though they are your parents. I would be wary of confronting them about it though. Self absorbed people generally don't like being told that they are and as they are obviously lacking in empathy towards you, it may not go down well.

They're selfish, self-centred and horrible. YANBU to feel let down. Personally you have nothing to lose by actually confronting them and telling them they are being crap.

Yanbu

As PP have said, most people would help even mere aquintances in that situation, never mind close family. Your parents sound like horrible human beings.

I understand mrsjorah, but I feel I would. I have a happy bubble and it's happy without conflict. If they choose not to join in happiness fine, but I think confronting would cause me upset. God knows what they could lash out with if confronted, people do. Hearing I'd disappointed them etc would be a bit crushing, even if it was heat of the moment, I'd rather just respect their choice and get on myself, happily, without bending to their needs either.

YANBU OP. I'm really shocked that they won't help.

I was in a similar situation when I was having dc2 (in my case because my parents lived too far away to be immediate help) I had an arrangement with a friend that she would come over and sleep at my house and then if dh couldn't get back in time the following morning (or my parents get there) then she'd take dc1 back to her house so her dh could go to work. She had an 8 week old baby too. When I had dc3 my neighbour offered to do the same. I would honestly be really happy to do this for any of my friends. (In fact, my friend was really honoured and excited to be part of dc2's birth!)

Definitely stop rearranging things when they decide to see your dcs on a whim.

I'm not sure confronting them would achieve much either Pipped

We had a lot of issues with my PILs and tbh the most effective way of dealing with them was to stop expecting them to be something they are not, draw our own boundaries of what is acceptable and stick to them.

That is awful, sorry to hear your parents do not value you or their own grandchildren. Where do you live? If you are within driving distance of me (Andover, Hampshire) drop me a PM and I can arrange to be 'on call' for you. I have a similar relationship with my mother (or now non-relationship), makes life lonely and hard, but there is nothing you will be able to say or do to show them how selfish and unreasonable they are. So, send us a PM, happy to help where I can.

It's very upsetting when you realise that your parents just don't care enough to help out, I've lived with this knowledge for many years now. I asked for help once when dd1 was little and I was ill. They said no, I've never asked again.

They were similar to your parents in that they would only see them under their own conditions. Many years later, they are now 19&22, they have no relationship with their grandparents.

We have been NC several times for up to three years at a time yet when my dad had a minor stroke last year I was at his hospital bed within hours and continued to look after them for weeks, they are not local. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year they were not interested enough to visit.

For your own sake I would get help from elsewhere and become much firmer with them re contact with your children.

Thank you for the kind offer Greene, I'm miles away and I will find a solution I'm sure

Bloody hell mrsrhod, I would have bloody visited and hugged you. On the basis of a post!

Greene, you are lovely. OP - my parents AND my PILs are the same. I am now NC with my parents, and we have learnt never to rely on my PILs for help. They have looked after our two children exactly once, and all they did was park them in front of the telly, so that was the first and last time. Some people just aren't interested in being hands-on grandparents; difficult and painful as that is, you can't change them, so you need to make your peace with that as soon as you can. Wishing you the best.

Thanks pipped, like yours they are quite well off and one day I'll be the recipient of a generous inheritance. If my dad had spent half as much time actually being a caring father as he has nurturing his finances I would have been a far happier person.

It's really tough and a few months after a particularly bitter row, where he did tell me what a disappointment I was, I ended up in hospital with a suspected heart attack. The stress they have caused over the years is horrendous.

Your parents are being useless. I would ask them point blank if they will do it as the only other option is that you will give birth without your dh there - I would do this so that they don't say later that 'you should have asked'.
In practical terms maybe ask around your friends to see if anyone can help out. Failing that maybe consider a doula to be with you during labour at home and to stay with the children overnight - don't know how much this would be and how much you can afford. I've also heard of people on here recommending sitters from sitters.co.uk who may be able to arrange an overnight sitter that you could get to know and at least you know the date.
If your parents refuse to help I'd write them off in your mind and would only allow access to your children when it suits you. Wouldn't be rushing to tell them about the birth either. When they are miffed tell them you were too busy thanking those who helped.
Good luck.

"I don't understand who wouldn't want to help their children in this way"

Well in all honesty, I don't understand anyone who wouldn't help-even if it put them out slightly.

I'd help if I could & I think that just about anyone on here would say the same.

Yanbu at all, really shitty you can't rely on your parents in an emergency, poor you op

After that I woukd write them off, just allow access to your DC at your convenience.