To feel let down by my parents

[PippedPopped]

Background, I do not use my parents ever for childcare. They are late fifties/ early sixties and in good health. Live 15 min away. They will take my children occasionally, but not as a favour, they will ring last min to say they'll have them for x hours at x time. It's often inconvienient but for the sake of the chi,dress relationships I normally rearrange my day. It could be weekly, or not for months.

I'm expecting my third baby, and I'm having a bit of a problem with childcare if it's nighttime. I know the day I'm induced. My friends are great, will drop anything in the day to help with childcare and I have many offers. However nights are harder, I have two under five and it's a bit much to ask friends with their own children to take them.

My parents wouldn't babysit that night if I went into labour, I'd only want dh there for actual birth so unlikely to be a long sit. I could have a friend there by morning so they could go to work, my kids sleep well, the commute is no further for them from mine.

It just feels a bit crap that mums I barely know at school and my new neighbours have all offered to help, mostly in trickier circumstances, but my parents aren't inclined.

Whilst it would be entitled to expect regular childcare I'd have hoped they'd bother for a one off. My last child was prem and so my arranged childcare was unavailable so I ended up giving birth alone as dh had dd (you can actually see the hospital from their house)

YANBU, but unfortunately it's not unknown. When I became pregnant with my third DC my mother clearly didn't approve and in fact made it clear that she wasn't going to help with my other two DC by booking a holiday directly around my due date. Subsequently something went wrong with that holiday and she went to some trouble to book another at the same time even though it cost slightly more. We asked DH's mother if she could come down to stay with us to help, and she was very happy to do so even though it would entail four hours' travel.

In the event I had to have an emergency admission three weeks early due to high blood pressure, at a time when my mother hadn't left for her holiday. I was desperate as obviously MIL couldn't be there immediately and DH was away for work purposes, so I phoned DM who still made out that she had other commitments and couldn't possibly take the children. I still wonder to this day why she thought her principles or her supposed commitments were more important than the possibility of the DC being left home alone or me having an eclamptic seizure. In the event I was able to get our wonderful former child minder to come over and take charge, and my equally wonderful MIL dropped everything and came down immediately to take over from her.

So when DM developed a horrendous cold and had to cancel her holiday, I have to admit to being less than sympathetic (and also being delighted to have an excuse to say no, she wasn't to visit the new baby). Our relationship never entirely recovered from the whole saga.

You are certainly not being unreasonable. Some posters on mn get all worked up when adult children expect anything at all from their parents. I imagine that if your parents were on mn, they'd be those posters.

They're being cunts. Tell them. Keeping it to yourself will grind you down.

You've got to stop handing overyourdaughters at your parents convenience!

I could get it if they are worried aboutwork the next day & someone else could do it more easily.

But even so, given that you have no one, I would expect them to put up with it for once.

Ask someone who will do it willingly.

I think that is really mean of your parents. Really mean. If a neighbour needed me to mind a child so her dh could attend a birth, I'd do it, still less a friend or my own daughter. Grandparents shouldn't be expected to provide free childcare but if family don't step up for the birth of a child, what is the bloody point.

My FIL barely minded his own children and yet he would have stepped up for a birth.

OP, I would work hard to make alternative arrangements (is there any friend who lives nearby who could come and stay at short notice) and then when the baby is born I would tell your parents how disappointed you are in them. I couldn't not say it.

Also feck that about re arranging your weekend for them to see their grandchildren. If it doesn't suit you next time just say that - sorry doesn't suit.

I wonder what their expectations of you will be if either of them are ever sick/in need of help?

Gruntled, mine actually booked a holiday for due date too! However for health reasons I'm having the baby early.

Ripening, not a bad childhood. I suppose on reflection it was similar, I got what I needed and attention but at prescribed times. Say adult time, then we're tired time. Certainly no abuse, but neither the types for continuous sympathy if I'll or dropping plans to fit me or friends round after school. Like my daughters I was a quiet independent child and adaptable so not too bothered.

Is there anyone on DH's side who could have them? Might make your parents think if you did that.

If you do need a friend to help, is there one who has a DH around evenings/night-time who you could pay a little to be at yours all that time? That way, they won't have so many to cope with - just an idea.

If you've got the courage you could have a frank discussion, saying you know you're the one who needs favours now and you'll try not to ask too often, but in a few years it could be them who need shopping done/help with hospital trips/a bit of support with problems. We don't do favours to get them back, but it does make people more amenable to helping.

Bloody hell I can't stand the word 'entitled' which is used ad infinitum on MN. Everyone being competitively capable to determine who can 'cope' the best with the bed they've made for themselves and in which they need to stoically and heroically lie in without help from anyone. (Not directed at you OP nor anyone in particular, just musing!)

Of course you should be able to ask your parents to help when you are in labour having a baby! And you have a right to feel hurt and let down that you can't rely on them for even that.

But they don't want to for whatever reason. So take your kind friends and / or neighbours up on their offers to help so you aren't having to give your parents another thought.

Out of interest, how were they when you were growing up? Did they give any indication they would be like this?

It a very good point that in ten years time you must not help them...ever!

You parents are awful and if they can't help you at one of the most vulnerable times in your life they are not worth knowing.

Don't rearrange your weekends for them. They don't deserve it.

PippedPopped,

re your comment:-

"they will ring last min to say they'll have them for x hours at x time. It's often inconvienient but for the sake of the chi,dress relationships I normally rearrange my day"

Stop doing that behaviour; its just showing your children that you are allowing yourself to be a doormat by rearranging everything to suit them. Start saying no to this demand, their grandchildren are not there to be just picked up and used when they simply feel like seeing them.

If grandparents are uninterested the kids do pick up on their lack of overall interest as well.

Is there really a relationship here to speak of?. It does not sound at all emotionally healthy.

My parents are not too dissimilar in terms of overall lack of interest towards you and their grandchildren and I have also had all sorts of spurious reasons as to why they cannot help (they've often cited that they are too busy. Yes, too busy helping my childfree brother run his home by them doing his washing for him). You cannot help it if they are simply not interested; it says far more about them than it ever does about you.

PP

It also sounds to me like you were trusted, well left actually, to get on with it.

I would also try and stop seeking their approval; they are never ever going to give you that at all freely.

If it's as straightforward as they are simply refusing their help this is very mean indeed. I'd be tempted to just not bother with them in future. If they can't make this effort why should you. I'd say quite clearly that you are very disappointed that they feel unable to help when they know you need the help. And then be vague about any arrangements for seeing them again. Time to get tough I think.

If pushed I guess the reason may be "well my parents didn't help" "we were on our own"

Dh and I genuinely find delight in giving to our daughters so don't relate. Seeing them after work isn't a chore, but a pick me up from a crap day at work. It sounds twee, I'm not a perfect mum who never gets irate or stressed, but overall I will go to big efforts to make them smile because I enjoy it.

I agree with pps - op, when you've had the baby and things have settled a bit, you must start to set some boundaries. Don't just drop everything to had over your DD's when it suits them. Just don't. If you don't set these boundaries now, when it's relatively easy to do, then I worry what your life will look like in 10 - 20 years, when your parents need looking after.

If they can't babysit for you the day you go into labour to give birth to their grandchild, they dont deserve you or your children. And they certainly don't deserve any looking after in the future...

Wow and I thought my ils were disinterested this even tops them! Agree with others stop facilitating their visits they can bog off.

Like my friends mother who couldn't help when friends husband had op for a brain tumour because she was volunteering somewhere. What is the point if your family can't be bothered to help on those few occasions you really need them?

Interestingly my parents support network when I was little was zero, yet I could call on multiple friends and neighbours, yet mum just thinks this is lucky. Not because I welcome play dates, offer favours and try to be decent in little ways. Neighbours are offering to help, but then we replaced their guttering on the flat roof as dh was up there anyway and we had enough length to do it, took little time but sure would have cost them a few hundred.

Can you tell I'm starting to feel entitled to moan??!

I think I will reduce time, we are fortunate to otherwise have friends and support, it is a bit of a last straw.

I think it seems very strange of your parents. I don't understand who wouldn't want to help their children in this way, especially as a one-off, and for something as important as a birth.

Can you try being even more direct ie I really need you. Why won't you help me?

(disclaimer I am rubbish at family relationships and generally go the avoidance route.)

I'm really sorry your parents are being like this. I know how you feel as mine were similar (and when I was in labour as well.) Fast forward 10 years and after a lot of angsting, trying, counselling etc I don't have a relationship with them anymore.

I hope you can find someone else who can help you out, and that you can work through this. It's horrible having a relationship with people where you know that you would help them, but it isn't reciprocal.

We all have our straw that breaks the camels back.

Ils live overseas. Were in England for a month. I tried to arrange a meet up, offered to go there, invited them here. Didn't happen. Here a month and didn't make the effort to see their gorgeous granddaughters once. That's it for me now I have stopped making any effort at all.

My parents support network was also pretty much zero as well.

I would raise your far too low boundaries with regards to your parents and a good start would be to start saying no to them as well as reducing any overall time spent with them.

I also don't understand their way of thinking ("we didn't get any help so why should we help you.") Surely, if you know how shit it is to not have any help, you'd go out of your way to make sure your children never had to feel like that?

Hilariously ils had loads of support from fils parents - dh and his brother would spend whole summers with them so ils could work...

Well you would think so indeed Eliza but my parents never saw it like that.

The upshot of my particular situation is that I stopped asking them for anything and forged my own path through life's rich pageant. Nowadays I hardly have any relationship with my parents and my now much older child now is not all that bothered about them either beyond the point of being civil to them. (They still chase around after my still childfree brother though).

It was also far too little and too late when my dad a few years back rang me to say that my mum missed me.

They sound unpleasant. In your circumstances, however - because you are in a spot - I would actually ask now, very directly. Not 'I have no one' but 'Mum and Dad, could you look after the children the night after I give birth?'

If you get a direct 'no' to a direct question, you'll know exactly where you are. If they are your best option for night-time, it's worth one more try. But I tend to agree with others that it might be better all round to not let them dip in and out of your lives with so little consideration. At the very least, they need to say in advance hiw long they will keep your children for, not assume you can be there to take them back at a. Inure's nitice.

YANBU to feel let down.
As others have said, there's no harm in asking directly.
Maybe the worry of being rejected is putting you off asking directly, but then you may also feel stressed when you don't ask, worrying about what they may be thinking.
So it might ultimately be less stressful to just ask and get it out there.

I had this exact same problem with my third. It was MIL who wouldn't help. She lives 5 mins away, has her other grandchildren five days per week, yet was too busy to help me. I ended up ringing my mum when I was in labour. She lives 150 miles away and didn't make it in time. A neighbour had to sit with the other kids until midnight. In the end, people were actually falling over themselves to help and I could have called on a few people. Of course, MIL then got the bump because the first person to find out I'd had the baby was, of course, my neighbour who sat with my children while I had him. I didn't invite MIL round for two days after the baby was born. Why the fuck would I?