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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re hosting Christmas?

39 replies

heatedrollersareback · 16/10/2015 11:34

Last year I had my DH's extended family to stay over the Christmas period. It included single siblings who are older than him. PIL wanted them invited. It ended up being a lot of work and expense but OK, it's Christmas and family.

My DH has agreed that they can come again. I am very upset with this because last year I saw it as my "turn" and I do not want this to become the precedent. His siblings are all established in their own homes but are not married or have DC so PIL still "have them over at Christmas". I am getting very upset about this because I feel overwhelmed and pressured and I do not want to host again.

I have asked DH to scale it back to lunch on Christmas Day (siblings stay with PIL, then come over for the day) but he says they will be deeply offended because they want to spend it with us and DC all together and have a few drinks. I said that Christmas should be on some sort of rota with us alone, then one set of parents but because we have no fancy plans this year he says I am BVVVVVU to exclude them from their DGCs Christmas. I have also told him that he needs to tell his siblings to step up and take their turn. Even though I think I am BU in compromising he says he will just tell them it's cancelled.

Who is BU here?

OP posts:
Original poster
heatedrollersareback · 16/10/2015 11:35

BR in compromising, not BU

OP posts:
magimedi · 16/10/2015 11:36

YANBU - why should you have all the work every year?

If they come to you for lunch they'll have to draw straws as to who is going to drive.

Knitknatknot · 16/10/2015 11:37

If he wants to do all the hard work then fine otherwise I would say no aswell- cant pil's host at theirs?
Or could you all go out for a meal?

gamerchick · 16/10/2015 11:38

Tell him it's very kind of him to do all the donkey work so you can sit with your feet up. As him what he's planning to shop for and cook and you're very happy he's taking the reigns for the whole thing.

guajiraguantanamera · 16/10/2015 11:38

Yanbu, I would refuse to host every year if I didn't want to. Everybody should take turns. Why should you be left with all the mess at the end of a long day! Put your foot down.

pictish · 16/10/2015 11:39

Is he going to do the shopping, cooking, tidying, cleaning and arranging for their stay, or will it be you?

Leelu6 · 16/10/2015 11:39

YANBU.

You hosted last year and should have a break.

Did he invite everyone for Christmas without checking with you first? He IBU. Who does all the cooking, if you don't mind me asking?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 16/10/2015 11:41

So just let him know you'll love to know what he's cooking this year.

PennyHasNoSurname · 16/10/2015 11:42

So he is hosting this year? Id see this as my chance to sit and relax and be waited on tbh.

CrapBag · 16/10/2015 11:44

YANBU, they will be spending Christmas with your children, at lunch time. There is no need for them all to stay. I'd hate overnight guests at Christmas.

I'm hosting for the second year, because the DCs want me to and I want to repay my GPs for all the years they have done it, but it does grate slightly because I am also obliged to invite my dad (no problem, he has no where else to go) and my youngest sister who I don't want as she will rock up empty handed, not life a finger, not pay any attention to my DCs but will our other sisters, my dad thinks the sun shines out of her backside anyway so I'm never allowed to say anything negative and cups of tea will be expected on tap. There will also be the descent of other siblings later which I do like as they all bring gifts for the DCs and are generally much nicer people to be around, it is very hectic though but i like it (for a certajn amount of time) I'm also disabled (hidden so they don't really consider it). Luckily DH will be a great help.

kissmethere · 16/10/2015 11:44

No that's too much yanbu. Your Dh needs to take your feelings into consideration. A full house at Christmas is hard work and even harder when it's done reluctantly.

Shakey15000 · 16/10/2015 11:46

Yanbu. Tell him it's not happening. Unless he is doing all the food shopping/prep/cooking and entertaining. You'll have a miserable time otherwise and it's unfair, especially as you hosted last year. You've done your bit.

LindyHemming · 16/10/2015 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey15000 · 16/10/2015 11:52

Oh just seen your last bit where he says he'll just say it's cancelled. I'm perhaps wrongly assuming that this is to make you feel guilty and agree to the whole shebang? In either case it's a result. Cancelled.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/10/2015 12:03

Even though I think I am BU in compromising he says he will just tell them it's cancelled.

Let him tell them that if he wants too. (call his bluff)

I would say that he is not being unreasonable to want to host xmas at his house. But the emphasis here is HIM hosting. i would be sitting down with him and telling him that i would not be doing the lions share of the work. The cleaning. The planning. The shopping. The cooking. The fretting. See what he says.

If this were my DH he'd not give a flying fuck about having the house all lovely (he's not into appearances, like i am) but he'd want the all the fancy food, and would not want to attempt the cooking and all the prep around that. So if this was us it wouldn't happen.

Moln · 16/10/2015 12:04

I've no issue with hosting every year. Have one or both grandparents and sometimes the single siblings.

BUT it's an agreed thing and there's a huge contribution from all involved be it bringing food drink, helping out, cleaning etc. if I felt that I was the soul responsible host then I'd feel very put out indeed.

Your DH is behaving like a stroppy child. I'm making the assumption he doesn't really do that much to prepare or create the day or at least much less that he reckons he does

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 16/10/2015 12:10

It should be agreed between the two of you!

If he wants to invite lots of people then he can do all the work. Why should you?!

gamerchick · 16/10/2015 12:10

Yeah call his bluff and let him cancel.

I wouldn't be having none of this emotional blackmail.

ovenchips · 16/10/2015 12:12

If it's you doing all/ majority of work then YANBU. It's really not your 'turn' this year. I agree with you that an informal rota is the way forward and I would probably let your DH cancel the arrangement for this year (however huffily) thus forcing someone else to step up.

I think it's one of those times when you have to stand your ground. Once precedents are established around Christmas they seem awfully hard to shift.

Osolea · 16/10/2015 12:14

I agree, call his bluff.

If the inlaws want to be with all of their children, then they can host.

AdoraBell · 16/10/2015 12:15

Exactly what gamerchic said. And stick to it. If he assumes you will do the hosting and still invites them do not do any organising, planning, shopping, cooking.

AlisonWunderland · 16/10/2015 12:18

I'm happy to do xmas dinner for 12, but they all come, eat, and go.
NO overnight guests!

MatildaTheCat · 16/10/2015 12:22

We have a large family and IMO the key thing is to shake it up every year and avoid precedents. We caused a scandal last year by preferring to eat our Christmas lunch at home, just the four of us Shock.

That said, we usually do all get together and without question we all contribute to the day. Everyone asks/ knows in advance what they will be contributing.

Oh, and nobody stays overnight. Cabs are a marvellous thing. Smile

ovenchips · 16/10/2015 12:23

PS I don't think that compromise on the day would work either. The terms and conditions of that will probably get pushed and pushed and you may end up very fed up. Plus you're still hosting, which sounds like it wouldn't be your choice.

Much better to stand your ground, let him cancel and work out a proper compromise between you - where you are the hosts but not every year. Sounds a bit daunting and painful to do (as your husband sounds so intransigent on issue) but hopefully worth it.

lorelei9 · 16/10/2015 12:25

YANBU
you are not a hotel

put your foot down and say no. If he wants to "cancel Christmas", let him. I guarantee one or more of extended family will want to talk to you direct and then you can put your point of view. If they can't see it, you could do with losing them anyway.

I have to be honest, I don't understand how people can make such a big deal of spending all day together on that one designated day. What's with all the pressure? They can spend better quality time with your children generally, it doesn't all have to centre on one day!