AIBU re hosting Christmas?

[heatedrollersareback]

Last year I had my DH's extended family to stay over the Christmas period. It included single siblings who are older than him. PIL wanted them invited. It ended up being a lot of work and expense but OK, it's Christmas and family.

My DH has agreed that they can come again. I am very upset with this because last year I saw it as my "turn" and I do not want this to become the precedent. His siblings are all established in their own homes but are not married or have DC so PIL still "have them over at Christmas". I am getting very upset about this because I feel overwhelmed and pressured and I do not want to host again.

I have asked DH to scale it back to lunch on Christmas Day (siblings stay with PIL, then come over for the day) but he says they will be deeply offended because they want to spend it with us and DC all together and have a few drinks. I said that Christmas should be on some sort of rota with us alone, then one set of parents but because we have no fancy plans this year he says I am BVVVVVU to exclude them from their DGCs Christmas. I have also told him that he needs to tell his siblings to step up and take their turn. Even though I think I am BU in compromising he says he will just tell them it's cancelled.

Who is BU here?

It's not just about saying "oh well he can sort it out", not if OP wants a quiet Christmas without them"

I agree that you should tell him to cancel!

Are you happy to take the blame?

We have hordes staying overnight/two/three nights.

I'm used to it now and have the whole thing down pat with minimal stress (though still much effort). But I can completely understand why people don't want it.

Big, busy Christmases can be nice. So can small, quiet Christmases with just your nuclear family. So Yanbu at all. Big Christmas last year, small Christmas this year. Sounds good to me.

I'd ideally like my kids to sometimes experience the big, noisy Christmas but, in general, have the smaller one. Like, 4:1 ratio of small:big.

He is BU.

Stand your ground OP, its bloody hard cooking for all those folk.

Indeed nina.

One Christmas due to snow and ill health it was just us and very nice it was too. Very relaxed. Though we did have to really work at consuming food for 18 for three days between the four of us!

The dogs ate well .

Sorry but your DH sounds like an arse, a mardy one at that.
Either call his bluff & say fuck it yes let's cancel or inform him he will be doing everything including requesting contributions from his family members while you enjoy a relaxing Christmas.

'OK dear, well I'll look forward to the decorations you buy and put up and all the lovely food you cook for us all.'

OP your H really ought to have had the conversation with you first rather than simply invite everyone without discussing it but we are where we are and I agree with gamer and pictish* (as I often do) - make it clear that you are assuming he will be doing all the donkey work. I used to hate Christmas until I stopped doing it everyone else's way and now I love it.

what a prick. i would down tools and refuse to do anything from here on in, including xmas.

When he threatened to cancel, I would just say ' Oh, well, if that's what you want to do'. Don't let him frame that as your choice, as it would be his.

If he wants to cancel, let him. If he doesn't, make sure he does all the work.

"Even though I think I am [being reasonable] in compromising he says he will just tell them it's cancelled."

I think you should agree with HIS DECISION to cancel. Although it is tempting to tell him 'fine but you're doing all the planning / shopping / decorating / table-setting / cooking / cleaning / bed-changing', that route will fail for two reasons:

1. You would end up stepping in when he cocks it up
2. "I do not want this to become the precedent." - well, the precedent would be set, wouldn't it? And then you're stuck with it next year, and the year after that, and the year after that ...

Thing is, its much easier to have your dc in their own home for Christmas, than to trail them round to other people's houses.
I'd agree to host, with the proviso that he cooks, anyone staying brings their own bedding, and everyone pitches in. Be specific, give each adult something to bring ( eg PiL can be responsible for Boxing day brunch, someone else for Xmas pud and trimmings, maybe some of the siblings can deal with Christmas eve supper, and Xmas day supper, someone else can provide and do table decorations. Tell them you will be doing a Boxing Day walk ( or whatever activity you want) at x time, and they can all bring booze\ soft drinks\snacks. Everyone helps with washing up\ tidying.
Your job will be to list the jobs and divide them up, and concentrate on your children.

he has no where else to go) and my youngest sister who I don't want as she will rock up empty handed, not life a finger, not pay any attention to my DCs but will our other sisters, my dad thinks the sun shines out of her backside anyway so I'm never allowed to say anything negative and cups of tea will be expected on tap.

Crapbag, just call her and tell to bring dessert/veg dish/etc, (she should bring wine without being told IMO), then show her where the kettle is and just assign tasks to her, gather the plates, dry dishes, etc. No-one would get away with this in my family. Even the older GCs are asked to help out. .

He stays and hosts, and you go to your family. Job done.