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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being in labour is private time and not a time for keeping people updated?

59 replies

LowBridges · 15/10/2015 20:31

DM will be looking after 5yo twin DCs tomorrow when I am induced (picking them up from school, taking them back to hers for one night or two depending on labour length).

DCs know and understand this. They are excited about the baby and the sleepover.

DM says today please can I keep her informed how it's going so she can let DCs know etc. I said no - that once I am induced I'll not be contacting anyone until the baby is here. I know from previous labour that I will have no wish whatsoever for external contact. I also don't think it helps anyone knowing how many cm I am etc. And also DM cannot keep gob shut and will be on phone to aunties etc with progress report.

Anyway DM thinks I am being unreasonable on this. I think she just needs to tell the kids that I will call when the baby arrives. Also then we should know am I and the baby well and therefore will we be home ASAP or will they come to the hospital to see us.

Gah. Obv I am v v pregnant and cross at the world but we kind of argued about this on the phone and I am now v irritated. Surely she should understand labour is not something to be live tweeted Ffs.

And while I am at it, dB called today and said oh remember to update us how it's going. Er, what, cm by cm?that's what he did for dsil tbh and I found it very weird to know what stage of labour she was in at that moment. Is nothing bloody sacred. If it wasn't for the childcare needed for DCs I wouldn't have told them induction date and whole thing would be a surprise.

Gah.

OP posts:

MustBeLoopy390 · 15/10/2015 20:34

Yanbu. My husband was in charge of the very sporadic updates during my labours, I found the constant 'is baby here yet' infuriating as I have long drawn out prodromal labours (takes me at least 10 days to go from 2/3/4cms to birth) I literally happily cut myself off from phone/internet. Good luck and congrats

Mintyy · 15/10/2015 20:37

I think you need to make an exception for your twins. They are old enough to know that Mummy is off having a baby, they really will want to hear some news if you can get dp/dh to convey it.

vvviola · 15/10/2015 20:39

YADNBU.

On both DC I let people (well, DM) know when I was heading to hospital (DC1 she drove with us because there was a bit of a panic and DH didn't know the area well; DC2 I rang her from hospital to say I'd been kept in after an appointment and was in labour). The next anyone heard was from DH to say baby was born (6 hours later for DC1, 2 hours later for DC2)

Can't imagine keeping anyone updated during.

Shallishanti · 15/10/2015 20:40

YANBU
the news the DTs need is only 'mummy is having the baby....but it takes a LONG time, so daddy will tell you when baby is born'

Wolpertinger · 15/10/2015 20:43

YANBU - what sort of info do the twins really need? 'Mummy's vag is now 5cm' 'Mummy's off her face on gas and air'

percythepenguin · 15/10/2015 20:44

Yanbu, what meaningful updates would she be able to pass on to ( year olds other than 'Mummy hasn't had the baby yet'. I'm being induced on Saturday and have no intentions of updating my parents, who will be minding 4yo DS. Have been trying to tell as few people as possible the date of the induction as I can't think of anything worse than constant texts asking for updates!

Boxoffrogs123 · 15/10/2015 20:45

She is doing you a favour so reply , but in a round about way, she is your mother and maybe worried about you? I went to 44 weeks imagine how that went down. God she drove me bonkers you can switch off your phone , but promise to let her know soon as you have a lovely baby. It could be your own babies , having their babies in years to come imagine being how being cut off feels?

Inertia · 15/10/2015 20:50

I would just tell her that you will update her if anything major happens but otherwise you will just be focused on the delivery. Of course your other children don' t need updates!

usual · 15/10/2015 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenVag · 15/10/2015 20:55

I was induced. My mum was induced with me and had a terrible time. She's a natural born worrier so I had no issue with her calling the hospital every hour and gave permission for the staff to update her. I don't think she would have shared the information with others even if it hadn't been the middle of the night.

HackerFucker22 · 15/10/2015 21:10

My first labour was so long I think people would have been worried if I didn't send any news / updates (50 hours all in - I was 5cm when I went in and it was still another 15h from admission until I had baby). I was able to send updates so I did..... only to my mum and sister... nothing was public or passed on to anyone outside immediate family.

Second labour was too quick for any updates. Text mum at 4am to tell her she needed to come and look after DC1. Dad dropped her and took us at 5am and I text at 7am to let them know baby had arrived at 6.30am.

Rivercam · 15/10/2015 21:11

Labour is a private business. However, it may be worth sending an odd tweet to your twins. If you are in hospital for a long time, they may be worried. It doesn't need to be an update, but a simple communication.

BackforGood · 15/10/2015 21:12

YANBU at all.
When I went into labour - we told no-one with dc1, and only the person looking after dc1 (then dcs 1&2) with the subsequent births. f course your dc don't need hourly updates. Just tell them you will let them know when it happens, but that it can take a long time for baby to arrive so it might not be until Sunday, and they should have a lovely time with their Grandma and you will miss them a bit but know they will be having fun. End of.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 15/10/2015 21:14

YAnbu. At all.

And, to respond to a previous comment, my mother would agree.

It is nobody's business and there is nothing you can meaningfully tell a five year old.

Original poster

Lowbridges · 15/10/2015 21:14

That is exactly what I said backforgood. And I told DM that I will let her know as soon as I can when the baby is born Boxoffrogs - of course. Wow 44 weeks!!!

OP posts:

Hassled · 15/10/2015 21:16

Sorry but I think you are being a bit unreasonable (but then given you're about to be induced that's fair enough). Never mind the twins - your mum wants to know you're OK. That's what it's all about - she's fretting. If you have some wall of silence up her imagination will be going into overdrive.

SurlyCue · 15/10/2015 21:19

Well i would feel the same as you OP but i think its a personal choice really.

However i did grimace when my then partner opened a text from his dad and then informed me that his sister was "pushing now". I actually wondered if she realised that not only did her dad know what her cervical muscles were doing but that people she didnt even speak to (me) also knew.

coconutpie · 15/10/2015 21:20

YANBU. I know somebody who announced to everybody at her work place how many centimetres her sister was at throughout her whole labour. It was really awkward and weird for everybody as they felt like her sister's privacy was disrespected. And besides, who wants to know how many centimetres your cervix has dilated? Ugh.

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2015 21:22

Do you have a partner who can text her a quick update?

I'm sure she's just concerned and excited.

JassyRadlett · 15/10/2015 21:23

YANBU, at all. Labours take as long as they take and telling your kids 'not long now' when it turns out it is going to take a while isn't going to be great.

DS is 4, I'm 39 weeks pregnant. He knows that one morning soon he might wake up with one of our friends looking after him, or someone else might pick him up from nursery. He knows that some babies come really quickly, and others take a really long time, it depends on how ready the baby feels.

That's all he needs to know. That's the only useful info there is at this point. Giving him updates he's not possibly equipped to understand (Mummy is at 6cm! Mummy is pushing!) isn't going to make him feel more secure.

Fourarmsv2 · 15/10/2015 21:24

I went in to be induced on a Thu afternoon. DS2 was born at 10pm Sat. Would you have updated over that time? My DM flew back from Cyprus to be closer as her worrying was annoying my dad!

wannaBe · 15/10/2015 21:26

yabu a bit. No-one has said you need to give hour by hour updates have they? or your actual progress? But your mum is concerned for her dd, and your twins are separated from their mummy. Do you expect them to be incommunicado for as long as it takes? it could be days. Even if you are induced tomorrow morning there's no guarantee you will go into labour straight away. My sister was induced on the thursday with both of her dc iirc and neither was born until the Saturday.

It doesn't have to be an actual progress report, just a "things are happening but it's going to be a while yet," type one, iyswim, and your dh can deliver it - it doesn't have to be you. In fact your dh may appreciate being able to talk to someone just to let them know you're ok.

Also, if you're induced tomorrow morning and nothing is happening yet by tomorrow night your dh will likely be sent home. So presumably he will go and see his twins? And would then be in a position to update your mum?

VinylScratch · 15/10/2015 21:27

Yanbu, I sent a couple of texts in the early stage of labour but once it really kicked in I wouldn't have been able to do it. I don't think the 5 year olds need updates or would really understand cms dilated or pushing stage etc.

AlpacaLypse · 15/10/2015 21:30

I'm the eldest of a large family. We weren't told anything about what was going on except that 'mummy's gone to the hospital to have your little brother or sister'. Meanwhile both grannies continued to feed the rest of us, take to school, collect from school, etc etc.

Our dad's return would be greeted with massive joy and loud enquiries about whether it was a boy or a girl, followed by a massive argument amongst us older siblings about names.

Then we'd all be allowed to visit. In small batches, and keeping quiet. With both grannies naturally shushing us like nobody's business and having silent arguments about which one got to hug new grandchild first...

Then finally dad would drive home with ma and baby. And then we'd lose interest frankly until it was big enough to join in.

wannaBe · 15/10/2015 21:35

I don't think that five year olds need updating on cms or pushing stage though.

But "mummy will be having the baby soon they think," is a quick if not so detailed update, surely?

When I was in labour with ds we reached a stage when his heart rate kept dipping, he was back to back so I was unable to push him out despite trying. At one point my h stepped out to ring his parents to let them know what was happening. He said later that the heart rate dipping was frightening to think about, and tbh I think he possibly found it helpful just to check in with a friendly voice i.e. his family, iyswim. and his family then knew what was happening and could probably reassure him or at least let him know they were thinking of us.

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